UNCONDITIONALLY GUARANTEED

Hmmmm.... an album with Don Van Vliet singing, featuring a song called "Peaches"? It must be great. Right? Wait. Is this Captain Beefheart and The Magic Band attempting to make an album of radio friendy songs? In that context, this album might be just what they were trying to do. But did they get any airplay from this? I doubt it.

This is a set of ten hideously normal (read: completely unmemorable) tunes from Van Vliet and his crew. His abstract, borderline insane lyrics are nowhere to be found here, replaced by boring pop drivel, some of it quite insipid.

The music itself is also plain. The only place where you might notice that it's actually The Magic Band playing are the occasional, all too brief guitar solos, which slightly touch upon the feel of the other Beefheart albums.

If you see this album coming, run the other way. Fast.

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Posted Thursday, June 25, 2009 | Review this album | Report (Review #223066)

The entire Magic Band quit after this album, and no wonder. The first of Beefheart's two ill-fated albums on Mercury Records finds him faced with an unsympathetic production job and a lineup on the verge of mutiny. The drift into commercial territory which had yielded fascinating and evocative results on The Spotlight Kid and Clear Spot zooms out of control, resulting in most of the songs being played and mixed in a spineless, soulless commercial style, with the Captain's eccentric lyrics and vocal style being de-emphasised like on no previous Magic Band album. Occasionally the instrumental backing starts creeping towards more interesting territory, as on I Got Love On My Mind, but it never quite manages it. Anyone who listens to this album without hearing any of the Captain's better work would come away with the impression that the Magic Band were a third-rate, plastic soft rock band; anyone who listens to this who has heard the likes of Trout Mask Replica or Lick My Decals Off will rage at the utter waste of talent the album represents. Avoid.

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Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 | Review this album | Report (Review #517440)

Worst album ever released by Captain Beefheart. While its successor "Bluejeans & Moonbeams" is pretty cool, this one is just lame and contains some of the most insipid numbers by Vliet. The good thing is that there are just two songs which are absolutely awful: the dumb-ish and uninspired "New E ... (read more)

Report this review (#133534) | Posted by JethroZappa | Friday, August 17, 2007 | Review Permanlink

I am sick and tired of the lack of respect given to this album. For me, the Captain's discography as a whole should be appreciated as art, if nothing else. "Unconditionally Guaranteed" is a master work, regardless of whatever hype or tensions that there are surrounding it. 'Full Moon, Hot S ... (read more)

Report this review (#85036) | Posted by digthefuzz | Friday, July 28, 2006 | Review Permanlink

I'm surprised no one has bothered to review or rate this one yet -- is it really that rare? But considering what a stinking turd this record is, maybe that's not such a surprise. Don is holding wads of money on the cover, the title and whole package just reek of cynicism. This record is the ... (read more)

Report this review (#50463) | Posted by | Friday, October 7, 2005 | Review Permanlink

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