LEGENDARY TALES

I saw the cover of this record, and just had to get a copy. Was the music as *bad* as the cover suggested it might be? Yes, and more! Don't get me wrong, the musicians play well. It's just that every ingredient is maxed out for effect. There's no subtlety, no buildup, no context. Just dive into the sea of cheese, where everything is played at a million miles an hour. Emotional as a buzzsaw and twice as dangerous.

Look, I'd love to think there is some SPINAL TAP thing going on, that this is not supposed to be serious. But, if so, all the more reason to condemn them for taking money from the kids who love the image. And, according to my son, RHAPSODY are not the worst. That honour, he assures me, goes to MANOWAR, who even have a parody band.

Special criticism has to be reserved for the lyrics. Advertised as the first in an ongoing series - akin to the best fantasy novels, so it is said - I discovered special extra cheese instead. 'Land of Immortals' is on as I write this. In the one song we have destiny, brave hearts, dragon's spell, immortals, eternity, the ancient ruins of Kron, holy force of wisdom and an epic holy quest. Oh dear. Enough to give the fantasy genre, already a soft target, a worse name than it has already.

I write fantasy for a living. I work hard within the constraints of the genre to achieve something escapist but meaningful, aware of the genre's antecedents but avoiding being derivative. This stuff, however, calls up every cliche ever created. Of course, cliched genre fantasy has its fans. If you like ever-triumphant, one- dimensional heroes, if your idea of a story is a complete lack of tension, in which females only have large breasts and tiny waists, and males are born with swords in their hands, then this music is for you. Enjoy. And when you grow up, it'll be the sort of thing you'll never admit to doing, along with owning the full set of teletubbies.

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