THE FINAL FRONTIER

Iron Maiden - The Final Frontier (2010)

Overall Rating: 6

Best Song: THE TROOPER (because it's not on here)

Oh, I wasn't talking about Iron Maiden, screw Iron Maiden. I was actually talking about Judas Priest, see, on account of how they used to be so mighty, but Nostradamus was utter garbage. Iron Maiden never were mighty, just pretty good. Heck, son, Iron Maiden has pretty much consistently been decent, with a few dips, twists, twirls, and shimmies, here or there. But now, oh god, now they're OLD, and nobody wants to listen to old man music. That is especially true when said old men want to sound as young as they can, and it's sad because you know deep down in their hearts they are trying, practically begging you to not put them in a nursing home and looking up at you with their puppy-dog eyes, but you know they smell rotten and the kids complain and what with the economy these days...

Iron Maiden is old, and argue the necessity of the elderly all you wish, I don't need them giving me any friggin' stickers or their ugliness when I walk in to my local Wal-Mart. What I need, is elderly gymnastics. Broken hips are so funny. So yeah, who needs a new Iron Maiden in 2010? No one. This is some inoffensive bilge. It's got the trademarks of dem boys, like stupid 'war' lyrics, Cockinson's air raid sirene, and the mashy-rashy heavy trot. It's got the personality in spades, but ya know, like, the songs themselves are really really bad. Have you ever heard a smashing, superb metal album with unique riffs, a singer who's got it 'going on', and a rhythm section that blows your mind? Yep, this album don't got none of that.

Iron Maiden's eagle is on automaton autopilot. Come on, man, no one needs this. The old farts will be content with their Number of the Beast, the proggers will be content smelling their own bodily fluids, and the young 'uns have their Lamb of God or whatever. It'd be worlds different if the songs were memorable, hard hitting, ferocious, or not boring, but no, we got nothing but generic (and oh god that word applies more than it ever should) rock/metal tunes with no soul or energy. Oh, the CD is over 70 minutes long, too. Makes me weep.

Why the hell?! why the hell did they need so much material? Those arrogant pricks! They know this isn't any good, but they shove as much of it down our throats as possible, just to make money. It's not fair! Don't they know I have to give my useless opinion on it?! Urgh, it makes me so angry! Plus, these other critics, giving it these reviews. Here, let me offer some insight into my rage:

"It's beautifully paced and disarmingly complex. It's a fresh take on a sound that has admirably withstood three decades of fashions and fads" - Classic Rock Magazine

"Only Iron Maiden know if this is their last hurrah, but if it is, they're going out the same way they came in: fearless, adventurous, and with a record that will still bowl you over in a decade's time." - Kerrang

Are these guys high on crack cocaine? Are we listening to the same record? What is wrong with humanity? Please lord, bring forth nuclear holocaust, please oh please Shiva, eliminate us from our delirious woes and trivialities! I beseech thee! Really, it's more like:

"It's an ugly mess of of complex tunes that got no energy or melody. It's a hideous take on their repetitive sound, and I don't know why they haven't died yet. Only Iron Maiden knows if this will be their last soulless cash-in, but if it is (please!) they're going out the same way they came in: as a group of folks with no real songwriting abilities, and merely trying to make some money to uphold their hardcore drug habits." - Some silly magazine

Hopefully this put everyone on the same page. This isn't a bad record, this is a boring record. It's so boring, I can't emotionally handle it, and the fact that they just friggin' had to put so much material on it is punishing. The guitars don't even screech and wail, no more! Dickinson's singing has died off and he sounds like he's singing from behind an oxygen mask. I can only say that at the very least, all the standard modes of Maiden are present, but I almost pity them, pondering on their lives and all the hardships they had to endure. Then I remember that they're Iron Maiden, and probably have lots more money than me, so screw them. This is just another lifeless album from old men who don't know when to quit torturing the younger, better generations. Someone put them in a nursing home!

**

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