Humour

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   A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!", and she lifted her tank top to reveal a superb pair of 36D's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No,.it's because you're 28." 

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StarshipTrooper Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: February 22 2004 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 201	Posted: March 24 2004 at 13:49
	A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!", and she lifted her tank top to reveal a superb pair of 36D's. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No,.it's because you're 28."


Dan Bobrowski Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: February 02 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 5243	Posted: March 24 2004 at 14:02
	Why do blonde's wear cotton panties? . . . . . . . . . . to keep their ankles warm.

Tauhd Zaïa Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: February 18 2004 Location: France Status: Offline Points: 340	Posted: March 27 2004 at 19:58
	Why Blondes never eat bananas ? . . . . They can't find the zip fastener.
	The State Of Grace Is Achieved

dude Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: January 30 2004 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1338	Posted: March 27 2004 at 21:16
	AAHH YES!! women eating bananas,there is something about it that is both erotic and painful at the same time...OUCH !!

dude Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: January 30 2004 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1338	Posted: March 27 2004 at 22:33
	A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral...A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the sevice..Following the eulegy the heart opened and the casket rolled inside,the heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter!..When all eyes stared at him,he said "im sorry,i was just thinking of my own funeral....im a Gynecologist!"..............Thats when the Proctologist fainted!!

StarshipTrooper Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: February 22 2004 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 201	Posted: March 28 2004 at 04:14
	A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7"


Dan Bobrowski Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: February 02 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 5243	Posted: March 29 2004 at 13:14
	This 60 year old man marries a 60 year old virgin who has been married three times before. On their wedding night he askes her, 'How can you still be a virgin after three marriages?" She replies, "My first was a pyschologist, he just wanted to talk to it." "The Second," she said, "was Gynecologist, he just wanted to look at it." "And the third?" inquired her new husband. . . . "Oh, he was a Stamp Collector." Private Message me if you don't get it.

Dan Bobrowski Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: February 02 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 5243	Posted: March 29 2004 at 13:20
	Another: An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave. The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Dan Bobrowski Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: February 02 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 5243	Posted: March 29 2004 at 13:21
	And: A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Dan Bobrowski Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: February 02 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 5243	Posted: March 29 2004 at 13:32
	What do you call Male Prostitutes in England? Peter Sellers.

dude Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: January 30 2004 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1338	Posted: March 29 2004 at 22:20
	OH GAWD!!!!!!

Jim Garten Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693	Posted: March 30 2004 at 02:18
	What do you call an Australian in a suit? The Defendant
	Jon Lord 1941 - 2012

dude Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: January 30 2004 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1338	Posted: March 30 2004 at 03:08
	WHAT!!! RIGHT THATS IT IM THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLETS.....oops i just smashed an expensive vase..DAMN THOSE GAUNTLETS!!!........now if only i can remember that joke about the Englishmans Propensity towards infrequent bathing!!!

Glass-Prison Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: February 08 2004 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 453	Posted: March 31 2004 at 20:37
	how about this... A man wakes up from a coma, and finds his wife sitting next to him. He rolls over to her and says: "You know what, honey, you've stuck with me through all my hard times, when I lost my job, when I lost my house, when I lost all my money, and now this... I just want to say,,," "What is it?" says the wife. "You must be cursed! Get the hell away from me!"

elfangio Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Groupie Joined: March 28 2004 Location: France Status: Offline Points: 49	Posted: April 02 2004 at 17:38
	A kid goes up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's politics?" "Well son, politics is a lot like this family. You see, I work and make money for the family. I buy things, sell things, and let us prosper. I'm like capitalism. Your mom goes shopping, cleans the house, makes sure we're all happy and healthy - she's like the government. Your nanny is like the working class. You're dependent on all of us, so you're like the people. And your baby brother over there is the future! This is all politics." The son, confused, just goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night, and he's hungry. He hears his brother crying and goes to his room. The baby has sht himself. He goes to his parents' room. His dad's not there, and mom's sleeping. He goes to the nanny's room and sees his dad **ing her. Help obviously not coming tonight, he just goes back to bed hungry. The next morning at breakfast, he says: "Dad! I finally understand politics!" "What, you do? Well let's hear it." "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the working class, the government's asleep, the people are starving, and the future is full of sht."
	Great shredding is cheddar cheese on a taco (Ron Thal). "Mr Neal Morse from Mars, by way of Las Vegas and Nashville"

dt_1928 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Groupie Joined: February 04 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 59	Posted: April 04 2004 at 19:38
	how many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 20. 1 to screw it in, and 19 to say how much better neil peart would have done it.
	i was uncool before uncool was cool.

Jim Garten Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693	Posted: April 05 2004 at 03:01
	How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change
	Jon Lord 1941 - 2012

tuxon Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: September 21 2004 Location: plugged-in Status: Offline Points: 5502	Posted: April 15 2005 at 03:37
	An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
	I'm always almost unlucky _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Id5ZcnjXSZaSMFMC Id5LM2q2jfqz3YxT

Velvetclown Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: February 13 2004 Status: Offline Points: 8548	Posted: April 15 2005 at 06:03
	A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

tuxon Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: September 21 2004 Location: plugged-in Status: Offline Points: 5502	Posted: April 15 2005 at 09:49
	A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair. Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us. They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window? Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do." "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly. "No sh*t! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
	I'm always almost unlucky _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Id5ZcnjXSZaSMFMC Id5LM2q2jfqz3YxT