PA Songwriters'/Composers' Association

Edited by Dayvenkirq - August 14 2014 at 07:26

Note to self: present lyrics without music before moving on with them.

^ What are your musical and lyrical styles?

Ideologically, it's not contrived. But it feels like it needs to be rephrased to be a little more clear. The phrase "there's nothing like liberation," for instance, with the meaning you've divulged, feels like it's supposed to be ironic, but the irony isn't quite as clear as it seems it should be. If you go with the "There's nothing like liberation" you could make the irony clear by saying "like being so far from everyone/ like being out of sh*t."

Dayvenkirq wrote: Actually, the cannonball here isn't really a reference to war, but a metaphor for feeling hollow, empty, out of ideas. I guess I've yet to master the use of metaphors.

It doesn't sound like a war reference. Don't worry. I was merely pointing out the imagery giving the feel of a different time period.

Polymorphia wrote: On the second verse, I can't quite tell what you're getting at.

I keep referring to myself as being tired of this and that. Everyday life is what it is.[/QUOTE]
I'm referring to whole "liberation/out of sh*t" part. I don't really know what it means.

I don't think "prosaic" is a bad thing if it just means direct. Assertion is one thing. Honesty is another. But if the line I suggested is not how you feel honestly, then I can totally understand rejecting the line.

The value of the line is found in more than just what it's not. You can do anything with these words if those words have a purpose. To me, it feels like the "answers/end" line is supposed to be a moment of direct-ness. If so, you want to make sure it's direct. If not, what purpose does the line serve?

As to the contrasting lines, that's only one thing you can do with that space. But I'm just throwing these out there for you to chew on. Your ideas are more important than mine when it comes to your own work.

I'll move on.

I like the cannonball line. I'll note, though, that with cannonballs and trains mentioned, it feels like it's supposed to be set in the 19th century. I imagine the train as a steam engine and the clock as a grandfather clock. Bob Dylan actually uses this device in "Blowin' in the Wind." He sort of traces war through American history by using a different era of imagery for every stanza, a subtle device, and yet the meaning of the song is never lost. Just something to chew on.

The "took all of the words out of my mouth" line doesn't provide a great counterpart to the cannonball line, although it's not a bad line. It just feels like you could pair the cannonball line with another that either explains or extends the metaphor. It feels a little bit like you're trying to do both here.

On the second verse, I can't quite tell what you're getting at.

And chorus. It seems like what you're doing is dissociating yourself from yourself and it works. I don't know what the line "He forgot about his past figurette" means, exactly, though.

Dayvenkirq wrote: OK, I thought: if I don't put anything up here, then I might not record anything at all. This sounds like crap on a stick, so let the listener beware. It may actually help if you read the words first before listening to the track. The bad news:  - The guitar was louder than the vocal when I recorded the song with all parts altogether, not dubbing one part onto another, so the verses are barely intelligible.  - The vocal melodies are crap.  - The music is dated.  - The lyrics need some serious doctoring. Some of the lines are straightforward, but some need explanation, and there is a line in the chorus that doesn't make sense. The good news:  - Hey, at least I recorded another song. There must be better ones after that.  - Something I've never done before when recording a song - vocal harmony (for the chorus).  - I've managed to write a chorus. I've been totally mystified for years why I couldn't write a (close-to-)decent chorus. Here we go ... s#!t your pants: http://soundcloud.com/andrey-gaganov/zero-rough-rough-rough-draft =========================================== Zero Verse 1/2 (A D E): One evening something shot a cannonball through me And took all of my words out of my mouth. Verse 2/2: I'm tired of waiting for the train to work, Tired of waiting for the train home, Tired of waiting for the answers. --- Tired of waiting for the end. ---    Chorus (D G A):     The lone wanderer stands in the desert.    The clock is ticking as he finishes another cigarette.    The lone wanderer stands in the desert.    He forgot about his past figurette.    (A D E)    That can't be me.    That can't be me. Verse 1/2: There's nothing like liberation. I'm so  far from everyone and I think I'm so out of s#!t. Verse 2/2: I'm tired of waiting for the train to work, Tired of waiting for the train home, Tired of waiting for the answers. Tired of waiting for the end.    Chorus.

So, I like the line "Tired of waiting for the train to work/tired of waiting for the train home." They're actually probably the most effective lines in the song. In "Tired of waiting for the answers/the end," it feels like you're side-stepping where it doesn't feel like it should side-step.

^ No, ... just a comment on the character of the lyric. Sounds flowery-powery.

Edited by Dayvenkirq - July 23 2014 at 23:34

Dayvenkirq wrote: Nick Dilley wrote: Try to see white light as every joined, fused color. Hey, Nick, are you OK with these Jon Anderson-style lyrics?

Ha, yes, I am okay with that. Especially since that was the secondary message and not the primary lyric. It was just buried in there. But if you're commenting on the imperative suggestion (oxymoron there) in regard to the preachiness discussion, than I suppose your comment applies to the phrase "try finding your way...."


But did I accidentally rip these lyrics off or something? Or am I reading too much into your comment?

Big Yes fan, but not familiar enough to pull lines of their lyrics out of my head on the spot. If I ripped it off unintentionally, please let me know which song!