Drum Solos

What does the following onomatopoeic representation suggest to you?

ABOMADOMABOMADOMABOMADOMABOMADOMABOMADOMKSCHKTEKSCHKTEKSCHKT EKSHKTEKSCHTEKSCHTEKSCHTERENTATENTRENTATENTRENTATENTRENTATEN T ZZZZZZZZZZ.

The correct answer is "a drum solo".

Question 2. A drum solo is one of the following.

1. Very interesting indeed
2. A deeply rooted and important release of artistic aggression
3. An exciting visual and emotional experience
4. A pain in the butt of major proportions.

The correct answer is D).

Mind you, even that falls short of the truth. Drum solos are also boring, ego-tripping, invariably overlong, and endlessly stultifying.

Worse still they're virtually impossible to avoid. Like a nuclear holocaust, the warning signs are obvious but there's no escape.

The lead up and execution always follow a pattern, half way through what might be an otherwise fairly listenable song, the more intelligent members of the band make a run for it backstage, while Monster Muppet sits perched intently behind his skins, an insane, almost sadistic gleam in his eye.

There is a commotion in the audience as the more sensitive souls make a desperate vain dash for the bog: but too late. From the stage comes the endless rumble of discordant ego-charged thunder, horrible in its inevitability.

The cacophony builds, a martyr's sweat break out on the torturer's brow,

But an odd majority of the audience pretend - inexplicably - to enjoy the percussive ramblings. It is this response, presumably, that encourages drummers to shag themselves out "pleasing" the crowd.

However, I am unable to accept that the masochism ratio is so high as to engulf most of the audience, and one can hardly put such bizarre occurrences down to a matter of mere politeness. So, there must be another explanation.

Once you have established the fact that everybody hates drum solos - audiences, fellow band members (who being at least superficially human, very likely feel as aurally offended as all the other unwilling participants), and even drummers (who must surely bore themselves) - the solution is clear.

There is no doubt in my mind that Ludwig Ltd. And similar drum manufacturing concerns actually plant employees in very audience. These employees are meticulously trained to clap in an authentic fashion, yell gleefully, nod their corporate heads determinedly, and generally synthesise a whole spectrum of complementary messages. The unwilling drummer, seeing how much he is "pleasing" the audience, goes to even greater extents to knock the sh*t out of his drum kit. Even though, at the end of it all, the drum kit remains partially intact, it's life can hardly fail to have been considerably shortened. Result? An increase in turnover and profits for the various drum makers.

This vicious and exploitative practice must end now. Make a stand. Physically restrain the drummer if necessary.

But whatever - abort at all costs. The very fabric of music is at stake.