Humour

If you ever mowed your lawn and found a car you might be a redneck.

If you go to the family reunion just to meet women you might be a redneck

Sophisticated people have retirement accounts, Rednecks have the Lottery

Fitzcarraldo wrote: Once upon a time a couple were celebrating their silver wedding anniversary and also their recent 50th birthdays. During the evening a fairy appeared and said “As my reward for being such an exemplary couple for 25 years I will grant each of you one wish!”   “I want to travel the world with my darling husband!” said the wife. The fairy waved her wand and a pile of tickets appeared at the wife’s feet.   Then it was the turn of the husband. He thought for a while and then said “Well, this is such a romantic day, but a chance like this only happens once, so… well, sorry, dearest”, he said, “but… my wish is to have a wife 35 years younger than me!”   The fairy was shocked, but a wish is a wish, so she waved her wand and… zzzzap! The man turned into an 85-year old geriatric.

Tha't pretty good. Not at all what I expected!

(not really a joke persay, its just funny. And relevent...)

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

Yeah i figured as much.

Sry

Batman , Superman and Spiderman discussing their latest exploits.

All a sudden, Superman yells: Hey, last night flying over N Y C, I saw Wonder Woman on the roof of a building , naked , lecs wide opened and having the time of her life.

Batman: So what ya do?

Superman: You know me!! I took out muy Krypton dick , put on a Zircon rubber and and jumped in

Spiderman: And did you make her yell for it? did she scream?

Superman: Well her, not exactly!!! However , the Invisible Man......  yes11

Well, I'm not a great one for this humour lark, it's the type of thing that's better left to those wacky youngsters in my opinion, but I did hear something the other day which made me chuckle a bit. There were these two chaps on television you see, and one chap (who was rather short and stout) said to this other chap (rather tall and severe looking) "I say I say I say (don't know why he repeated himself)* "What's orange and sounds like a parrot?" (Incidentally, the short chap was wearing a ludicrous check jacket - just to 'set the scene' as it were). Anyway, the other chap (the tall one, with glasses and a decent suit) looked a bit quizzical, and said - what was it - ah yes, "I don't know, what is orange and sounds like a parrot?" so the first chap, and this was the clever part, because by now I was thinking he must be a bit dim, the first chap (short and fat with a loud jacket, you remember) he said - hold on, tip of my tongue, he said "The answer, of course, is a parrot!". Well, all the people in the audience were in hysterics at this, and after a while I saw the 'funny side' myself - as, incidentally, did Mrs. Syzygy. We both enjoyed a quiet chuckle, then had a nice cup of Earl Grey to calm ourselves down. These two chaps had some other 'gags' (as I believe those disreputable show business types say) and if I remember them, I'll post them for some more rib tickling japery. Toodle pip!

*I think he might have been under stress 

Sean Trane wrote: Batman , Superman and Spiderman discussing their latest exploits. All a sudden, Superman yells: Hey, last night flying over N Y C, I saw Wonder Woman on the roof of a building , naked , lecs wide opened and having the time of her life. Batman: So what ya do? Superman: You know me!! I took out muy Krypton dick , put on a Zircon rubber and and jumped in Spiderman: And did you make her yell for it? did she scream? Superman: Well her, not exactly!!! However , the Invisible Man......  yes11

I've heard that one before. But just a bit different.