Your opinion on these lyrics i wrote... - Progressive Rock Music Forum

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the musical box View Drop Down

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Joined: November 01 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 436

Posted: November 17 2004 at 12:51

oh yes, just noticed the lyric "in your warm arms"...........Suppers ready

(unconsious reference?)

something pretentious

the musical box View Drop Down

Forum Senior Member

Joined: November 01 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 436

Posted: November 17 2004 at 12:49

preatty good accually. Very John Anderson like. Just dont OVERUSE your vocabulary like he sometimes does. i know im gonna get badgered for saying this, but his lyrics are sometimes repetitive and of the same vein. He overuses words like "rythem", "time and space" , "distance", "sharpness" "music of the sun", you know what i mean. But i was accualy preatty impressed with your lyrics, but telling us all WHAT they are about kind of ruins the whole imaginative process one gets by interpreting lyrics in the first place, no?

by the way, whereabouts do you hail from Canada? im Canadian too, not from "Cape Verte" as my profile says.(a slip of the mouse). I mention this because im very interested in forming a prog group, but most musicians i know like metal and that kind of crap.

something pretentious

Reed Lover View Drop Down

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Joined: July 16 2004
Location: Sao Tome and Pr
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Posted: November 17 2004 at 12:38

Well done Prog-bassist I've seen far worse that have sold millions. Thumbs Up

Definitely suited to prog themes and whilst some of the lines dont really stand close scrutiny (see above more scholarly critiques)) the overall feel and effect is good. Very Jon Anderson, but their's nothing wrong with that.

I like them. Big smile

Certif1ed

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Joined: April 08 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 7559

Posted: November 17 2004 at 03:41

I feel that the "Darkness catch the light" section belongs in "Into the void", rather than "Seduction", as the imagery you paint in that "verse" is not one of seduction to me, rather a depiction of life/non-life in the void.

I think also that I would like to see a name given to the nameless ones - using "nameless" just seems like a cop-out to me. Of course, it could be that I just don't "get it".

My final thought; think about the connection you seem to set up; Time, shadow, light, contempt - I get the feeling there's an "odd man out". Maybe, with the drug addiction subject-matter, you might consider; Illusion, vortex, whirlpool, or something similarly descriptive of being caught in the grips of something uncontrollable and intangible, rather than contempt?

I also agree with Peter - I would like to see some crafty references in there, rather than words which seem to be included merely because they sound good and rhyme. However, that could just be me missing the references!

Hope you like these ideas - I think you've produced some good lyrics, but I can pick holes in anything - except, maybe, Fish's lyrics...

Peter

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Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669

Posted: November 16 2004 at 20:40

Ermm Good, but I have some issues with the lines "Destroy one's innocence" (rather stilted, artificial, contrived) and "Spoken in a nameless fate" (contrived, and the connection between fate/destiny and speaking is not obvious.

These are lyrics more in the Jon Anderson vein, right? Structured not to convey literal/linear meaning, but words chosen more for effect and atmosphere, correct?

As such, I feel that they are good, but may need a tad more work. "The bell of our contempt" sounds very deep (reminiscent of ELP, Rush, etc.) but is it? How is contempt like a bell -- is there a connection to organized religion that could be further developed?

In all, good stuff, & promising. (Many prog lyrics would look a little awkward/contrived/grandiose when presented without their accompaning music.)

I would read other's lyrics/poems for further insight and inspiration.

Have you written any more "literal"/straightforward lyrics that tell a story or fable, ie. like early Genesis, or Rush's "The Trees?" Such lyrics might be also worth a try.

Writing good poetry/lyrics is very difficult -- keep up the good work. Thumbs Up

This is all meant in the way of encouragement, BTW, as the writing of lyrics seems a worthy pursuit for you. Further success is within your grasp.

All the best with your music (and life),

Peter

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

Prog_Bassist View Drop Down

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Joined: August 29 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 830

Posted: November 16 2004 at 18:26

hey, I wrote some prog lyrics for a side project, pink floyd/genesis style prog band that Im starting with my friends.

Are they alright? rate it on the poll and then leave a comment. Please be honest though. Anyway I might work on it more but this is what i have for now. It's about drug addiction:

Sun and Shadow
(B. Waye)

I. Seduction

Sun take hold of shadow,
Hold it in your warm arms,
Pull the darkness into you,
Become one,
Become all,
Become one,
Destroy one's innocence,
Become one,
Become all,
Become one,

Darkness catch the light,
Within your hands of ashen grey,
Hold the light within your grasp,
Until the sunlight melts away,
Feel the warmth receed,
Until the blackness stills your mind,
Feel the chill,
Upon your spine,
Become one,
Become all,
Become one,

II. Into the Void

(Instrumental)

III. Solitary Self

Wake upon the aftermath,
Of Transcending sun and shadow,
The skies now bleak,
Reflect your destiny,

Spoken in a nameless fate,
Envisioned in a nameless dream,
Broken in a nameless fashion,
In a Solitary State of
Being one,
Being all,
Being one,
Frozen in the grasp of time,
Hand of shadow,
Cover hand of light,
To sound the bell of our contempt,
The state of
Being one,
Being all,
Being one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhuxaD8NzaY

Poll Question: Rate my lyrics?
Poll Choice	Votes	Poll Statistics
5: Excellent	0	[0.00%]
4: Very good	5	[20.83%]
3: Good	11	[45.83%]
2: Needs work but it’s alright.	6	[25.00%]
1: Complete and total crap.	2	[8.33%]
This topic is closed, no new votes accepted

Author	Message Topic Search Topic Options Post Reply Create New Topic Printable Version Translate Topic
the musical box Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: November 01 2004 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 436	Posted: November 17 2004 at 12:51
	oh yes, just noticed the lyric "in your warm arms"...........Suppers ready (unconsious reference?)
	something pretentious

the musical box Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: November 01 2004 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 436	Posted: November 17 2004 at 12:49
	preatty good accually. Very John Anderson like. Just dont OVERUSE your vocabulary like he sometimes does. i know im gonna get badgered for saying this, but his lyrics are sometimes repetitive and of the same vein. He overuses words like "rythem", "time and space" , "distance", "sharpness" "music of the sun", you know what i mean. But i was accualy preatty impressed with your lyrics, but telling us all WHAT they are about kind of ruins the whole imaginative process one gets by interpreting lyrics in the first place, no? by the way, whereabouts do you hail from Canada? im Canadian too, not from "Cape Verte" as my profile says.(a slip of the mouse). I mention this because im very interested in forming a prog group, but most musicians i know like metal and that kind of crap.
	something pretentious

Reed Lover Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: July 16 2004 Location: Sao Tome and Pr Status: Offline Points: 5187	Posted: November 17 2004 at 12:38
	Well done Prog-bassist I've seen far worse that have sold millions. Definitely suited to prog themes and whilst some of the lines dont really stand close scrutiny (see above more scholarly critiques)) the overall feel and effect is good. Very Jon Anderson, but their's nothing wrong with that. I like them.


Certif1ed Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: April 08 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 7559	Posted: November 17 2004 at 03:41
	I feel that the "Darkness catch the light" section belongs in "Into the void", rather than "Seduction", as the imagery you paint in that "verse" is not one of seduction to me, rather a depiction of life/non-life in the void. I think also that I would like to see a name given to the nameless ones - using "nameless" just seems like a cop-out to me. Of course, it could be that I just don't "get it". My final thought; think about the connection you seem to set up; Time, shadow, light, contempt - I get the feeling there's an "odd man out". Maybe, with the drug addiction subject-matter, you might consider; Illusion, vortex, whirlpool, or something similarly descriptive of being caught in the grips of something uncontrollable and intangible, rather than contempt? I also agree with Peter - I would like to see some crafty references in there, rather than words which seem to be included merely because they sound good and rhyme. However, that could just be me missing the references! Hope you like these ideas - I think you've produced some good lyrics, but I can pick holes in anything - except, maybe, Fish's lyrics...

Peter Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: January 31 2004 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 9669	Posted: November 16 2004 at 20:40
	Good, but I have some issues with the lines "Destroy one's innocence" (rather stilted, artificial, contrived) and "Spoken in a nameless fate" (contrived, and the connection between fate/destiny and speaking is not obvious. These are lyrics more in the Jon Anderson vein, right? Structured not to convey literal/linear meaning, but words chosen more for effect and atmosphere, correct? As such, I feel that they are good, but may need a tad more work. "The bell of our contempt" sounds very deep (reminiscent of ELP, Rush, etc.) but is it? How is contempt like a bell -- is there a connection to organized religion that could be further developed? In all, good stuff, & promising. (Many prog lyrics would look a little awkward/contrived/grandiose when presented without their accompaning music.) I would read other's lyrics/poems for further insight and inspiration. Have you written any more "literal"/straightforward lyrics that tell a story or fable, ie. like early Genesis, or Rush's "The Trees?" Such lyrics might be also worth a try. Writing good poetry/lyrics is very difficult -- keep up the good work. This is all meant in the way of encouragement, BTW, as the writing of lyrics seems a worthy pursuit for you. Further success is within your grasp. All the best with your music (and life), Peter
	"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.

Prog_Bassist Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: August 29 2004 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 830	Posted: November 16 2004 at 18:26
	hey, I wrote some prog lyrics for a side project, pink floyd/genesis style prog band that Im starting with my friends. Are they alright? rate it on the poll and then leave a comment. Please be honest though. Anyway I might work on it more but this is what i have for now. It's about drug addiction: Sun and Shadow (B. Waye) I. Seduction Sun take hold of shadow, Hold it in your warm arms, Pull the darkness into you, Become one, Become all, Become one, Destroy one's innocence, Become one, Become all, Become one, Darkness catch the light, Within your hands of ashen grey, Hold the light within your grasp, Until the sunlight melts away, Feel the warmth receed, Until the blackness stills your mind, Feel the chill, Upon your spine, Become one, Become all, Become one, II. Into the Void (Instrumental) III. Solitary Self Wake upon the aftermath, Of Transcending sun and shadow, The skies now bleak, Reflect your destiny, Spoken in a nameless fate, Envisioned in a nameless dream, Broken in a nameless fashion, In a Solitary State of Being one, Being all, Being one, Frozen in the grasp of time, Hand of shadow, Cover hand of light, To sound the bell of our contempt, The state of Being one, Being all, Being one...
	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhuxaD8NzaY