| Author |
 Topic Search  Topic Options
|
billbuckner 
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 07 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 433
|
 Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:17 |
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys
with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar
solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon
t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the
late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its
corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful
tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH”
vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each
others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names,
which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret
no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal
but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead
of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a
brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and
Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some
of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without
explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this
crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is
functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take
all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or,
alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken
for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good
grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t
think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light
rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal
equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon
and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid
people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal
is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad
news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my
state-mandated community service hours).
|
|
 |
Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:29 |
King of Loss wrote:
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Where is Power Metal? |
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy Metal 
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal) 
|
Very Creative post that is, ol' man!  |
Why thank you, Ko'L!
'Tis all in jest, of course -- it's healthy be able to laugh at ourselves, I think! 
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! Cool song!  (Don't know what I was thinking with that silly "Du Hast" thing, though!)
Still, I think metal in particular has a bewildering number of supposed categories. Why is that, I wonder?  Is the need to so finely and hair-splittingly assign the music to so many narrow categories driven by the fans, the artists, or the music biz? (It's all just metal, to me.) Beyond the broadest "necessary" categories, I find all those delineations (and not just in metal, but that genre seems the most fractured, by far) to be rather silly, and even somewhat anal. Can anyone really (independently) tell where each band belongs? Do any two fans ever agree on all of those categories? Is it a symptom of our troubled, divided times? Is it a part of our primitive, inherent tribal instinct to errect "walls" and barriers, to say who belongs, and who does not -- the old "us and them?" Where music once united youth, does it now largely divide? Did the CIA, Mark the Shark and/or the Republican party/military-industrial complex instigate this "divide and conquer" conspiracy? Is the TRUTH out there? Does Maani know it? 
 Could it all (gasp!) be our list-mad Mike's fault? 
 Piddling, passing concerns of global warming, environmental disaster and the clash of cultures, economies and religions aside, these are the momentous, pressing issues that trouble me to no end -- nor am I alone, I see, in my abject, paralyzing confusion! 'Tis a veritable Tower o' Babel, I tell ye! 
Edited by Peter Rideout - May 30 2006 at 19:52
|
|
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
|
|
sleeper
Prog Reviewer
Joined: October 09 2005
Location: Entropia
Status: Offline
Points: 16449
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:37 |
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Where is Power Metal? |
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy Metal
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal)
|
Very Creative post that is, ol' man! |
Why thank you, Ko'L!
'Tis all in jest, of course -- it's healthy be able to laugh at ourselves, I think!
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! Cool song! (Don't know what I was thinking with that silly "Du Hast" thing, though!)
Still, I think metal in particular has a bewildering number of supposed categories. Why is that, I wonder? Is the need to so finely and hair-splittingly assign the music to so many narrow categories driven by the fans, the artists, or the music biz? (It's all just metal, to me.) Beyond the broadest "necessary" categories, I find all those delineations (and not just in metal, but that genre seems the most fractured, by far) to be rather silly, and even somewhat anal. Can anyone really (independently) tell where each band belongs? Do any two fans ever agree on all of those categories? Is it a symptom of our troubled, divided times? Is it a part of primitive, inherent tribal instinct to errect "walls" and barriers, to say who belongs, and who does not -- the old "us and them?" Where music once united youth, does it now largely divide? Did the CIA, Mark the Shark and/or the Republican party/military-industrial complex instigate this "divide and conquer" conspiracy? Is the TRUTH out there? Does Maani know it?
Could it all (gasp!) be our list-mad Mike's fault?
Piddling, passing concerns of global warming, environmental disaster and the clash of cultures, economies and religions aside, these are the momentous, pressing issues that trouble me to no end -- nor am I alone, I see, in my abject, paralyzing confusion! 'Tis a veritable Tower o' Babel, I tell ye!
|
Good to see you liked a metal song Peter  . I actually agree with you about metal, its all to fractureed for its own good, and I havnt a clue why. As for catagorizing where bands go, this site is proof that no two people can agree on where all bands would go, its a shame that these genres actually do help to recommend similer bands to people, it would all be so much simpiler without them.
|
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
|
|
Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:43 |
billbuckner wrote:
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).
|
|
^ Ha! 
Thanks for sharing that, Billy Bee!
|
|
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
|
|
Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:51 |
sleeper wrote:
Good to see you liked a metal song Peter.
|
Who told you that? That incorrigible trouble maker Ko'L?
Right! Deploying war moose to his location now (liberal/humanist ethics be damned) -- don't try to stop me!!!!
|
|
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
|
|
sleeper
Prog Reviewer
Joined: October 09 2005
Location: Entropia
Status: Offline
Points: 16449
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:53 |
^Thats a fantastic road sign
|
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
|
|
Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:56 |
sleeper wrote:
^Thats a fantastic road sign |
It's from my home province -- the moose don't fool around there: they're actually out to kill you! (Then they eat your car!)
Edited by Peter Rideout - May 30 2006 at 19:57
|
|
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
|
|
stonebeard
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 27 2005
Location: NE Indiana
Status: Offline
Points: 28057
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 20:39 |
|
|
|
|
|
Arsillus
Forum Senior Member
Joined: March 26 2005
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 7374
|
Posted: May 30 2006 at 23:22 |
Great stuff.
|
|
Trickster F.
Prog Reviewer
Joined: February 10 2006
Location: Belize
Status: Offline
Points: 5308
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 00:41 |
billbuckner wrote:
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).
|
|
This one is pretty stupid.
-- Ivan
|
|
sig
|
|
chamberry
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: October 24 2005
Location: Puerto Rico
Status: Offline
Points: 9008
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 02:17 |
All of those lists are a laugh!
|
|
|
|
Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 03:27 |
billbuckner wrote:
Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs |
Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head. 
Check this little lot out...
Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?
Peter Rideout wrote:
Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal |
... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.
Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! |
There's hope for you yet! All together, now:
"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."
...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....
Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas
Whaddya think?
WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Etc.
Edited by Jim Garten - May 31 2006 at 03:37
|
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
|
|
VanderGraafKommandöh
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 04 2005
Location: Malaria
Status: Offline
Points: 89372
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 04:08 |
Nice t-shirt! 
|
|
|
|
sleeper
Prog Reviewer
Joined: October 09 2005
Location: Entropia
Status: Offline
Points: 16449
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:22 |
I want to know were the name Sandwich Boys came from.
|
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
|
|
Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:37 |
|
|
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
|
|
Eetu Pellonpaa
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: June 17 2005
Location: Finland
Status: Offline
Points: 4828
|
Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:47 |
| GRIND METAL
Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves |
This is my music! 
|
|
Joren
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: February 07 2004
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
Points: 6667
|
Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:46 |
Jim Garten wrote:
billbuckner wrote:
Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs |
Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head.
Check this little lot out...
Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?
Peter Rideout wrote:
Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal |
... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.
Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! |
There's hope for you yet! All together, now:
"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."
...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....
Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas
Whaddya think?
WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Etc.
|
WTF? Is that a wig or is that your real hair?
|
|
Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
|
Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:55 |
- I wish!
You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that this week...
It was a wig unceremoniously dumped on my head at a party last weekend; pure coincidence that it actually seems to suit me (my hair hasn't been that length for over 10 years now...  )
Edited by Jim Garten - June 01 2006 at 09:56
|
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
|
|
Joren
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: February 07 2004
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
Points: 6667
|
Posted: June 01 2006 at 15:51 |
|
|
|
Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
|
Posted: June 01 2006 at 23:43 |
Joren wrote:
The colour of the wig is pretty natural as well. Looking good there Jimbo! You look like a hippie drag queen!
|
Yeah, sort of like a fruit-flavoured version of the old degenerate on the Aqualung cover:
Hmmm... Let's call him......... Faggin' V
The jig is up, Jimberly!
Edited by Peter Rideout - June 02 2006 at 00:43
|
|
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
|
|
/PAlogo_v2.gif "Progarchives.com Homepage")
A Young Person's Guide to Metal
)! 
