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A Young Person's Guide to Metal

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Topic: A Young Person's Guide to Metal
Posted By: Sean Trane
Subject: A Young Person's Guide to Metal
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:14

Now that Lordi has won Eurovision, I am sure most of the archives members have been swamped with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since we are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right?

So, here goes the differences:

HEAVY METAL:

The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess

SPEED METAL

Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess

HARD ROCK

Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon

BLACK METAL

Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan

SYMPHONIC BLACK METAL

Ditto but with more finesse

HAIR METAL

Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon

FOLK METAL

Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love’s eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids

INDUS METAL

Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castle’s security

DEATH METAL

Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess

BRUTAL DEATH METAL

Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess

DOOM METAL

Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions

ALTERNATIVE METAL

Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves.

VIKING METAL

Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer

GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER

Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess’s dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band’s drummer to come in and save her

PROGMETAL

Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight

ATHMOSPHERIC METAL

Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight.

GLAM METAL

Knights comes in dressed up like a faggot and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princess’s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink

GRIND METAL

Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves

GORE METAL

Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts , spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess

NEO METAL

Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes wank off in the forest

TRUE BLACK METAL (Old Style)

Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon

TRUE BLACK METAL (New Style)

Knight comes in,  starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainlyWink

 

After this short guide, if your parents still do not understand after this, invite your local Gore Metal group for a demonstration.Evil Smile

 
 


-------------
let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter
keep our sand-castle virtues
content to be a doer
as well as a thinker,
prefer lifting our pen
rather than un-sheath our sword



Replies:
Posted By: Raff
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:23
What else can I say but.... Hugues, you're an absolute genius!!!ClapClapClap

I started laughing out loud at the Prog-Metal definition... Somebody's going to get p****d off about that, but to me that's really priceless!Thumbs Up


Posted By: Norbert
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:48
Doom, atmospheric, grind and glam are the bestLOL


Posted By: Vompatti
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 04:57
LOLClap
Clap


Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:09
All we need now is a MENTAL GUIDE

-------------
Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally


Posted By: Bj-1
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:25
Excellent list, Sean LOLClap
 
Originally posted by Velvetclown Velvetclown wrote:

All we need now is a MENTAL GUIDE
 
You should create one, Velvy Big smile


-------------
RIO/AVANT/ZEUHL - The best thing you can get with yer pants on!


Posted By: Man Made God
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:29
You've created this one Sean? It seems pretty familiar to me...

But great list nonetheless!


-------------
http://www.last.fm/user/manmadegod/?chartstyle=ScarlettJohansson1">
Focus on the music... Focus!


Posted By: TheProgtologist
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 09:52
LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
 
 
Clap


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Posted By: Ricochet
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 09:53
yeah! LOL

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Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:36
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

-------------
Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally


Posted By: Sean Trane
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:39
Originally posted by Man Made God Man Made God wrote:

You've created this one Sean? It seems pretty familiar to me...

But great list nonetheless!
 
Let's just say I translated it from French last night, adapted it to the Lordi situation, added a few styles (Symphonic Black Metal and Atmospheric metal).
 
but first time I read a similar list dates from a few years back (three or four at most)
 
I got another similar thing on the Blues, which I have to re-type and translate also.Wink
coming up soonBig smile


-------------
let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter
keep our sand-castle virtues
content to be a doer
as well as a thinker,
prefer lifting our pen
rather than un-sheath our sword


Posted By: The Wizard
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:45
Clap

-------------


Posted By: glass house
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:46
Great Tongue .


Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:53
This is pricelessLOL

-------------
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005



Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:54
Yes but don´t forget the V.A.T

-------------
Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally


Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 11:16
LOL@ Doom, Atmospheric

brilliant.     


-------------
http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC

"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon


Posted By: Blacksword
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 11:19
Hugues, thats classic!

-------------
Ultimately bored by endless ecstasy!


Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 12:43
Absolutely superb, Hughes...

To take a slight liberty....




PALLAS METAL

Knight tries to copy a better Knight from history, Dragon laughs so hard he falls off cliff, princess tells Knight to F*** Off!




Sorry guys, couldn't resist...

-------------

Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: Wilcey
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 12:50
      Jim you crack me up!!!!


made my day!

P-C


Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:14
Great!!!LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL

-------------
http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">


Posted By: Abstrakt
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:14

LOL



Posted By: Trickster F.
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:20
You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal? Shocked
 
Clap
 
 -- Ivan


-------------
sig


Posted By: Raff
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:36
I think "Neo-metal" was intended to be "Nu-metal". The description fits quite well anyway!Wink And isn't Pagan Metal the same as Viking Metal?


Posted By: Man With Hat
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 14:50
LOLLOL

-------------
Dig me...But don't...Bury me
I'm running still, I shall until, one day, I hope that I'll arrive
Warning: Listening to jazz excessively can cause a laxative effect.


Posted By: AtLossForWords
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:02
Originally posted by ivansfr0st ivansfr0st wrote:

You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal? Shocked
 
Clap
 
 -- Ivan
 
I've seen something like this before on other websites.  I'll take my best shot at what Pagan, Nu Metal, and Metalcore.
 
Pagan Metal
Knight prays to Thor puts on horned helmet and watches Thor shock the dragon and princess with a lighting bolt.
 
Nu Metal
Blows enough pot smoke out the dragon he looses his fire blowing skills and runs away, then rudely rapes princess.
 
Metalcore
Tries to copy every other knights style, but fails miserably leaving the princess to the dragon and runs away in his tight pants.


-------------

"Mastodon sucks giant monkey balls."


Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:09
Originally posted by ivansfr0st ivansfr0st wrote:

You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal? Shocked
 
Clap
 
 -- Ivan



AVANT-METAL
knight rides in to heavy music, but instead of slaying the dragon, attempts to confuse it with a clarinet solo.  Princess becomes puzzled and bored, wanders off.

NU-METAL
Knight does it all for the nookie, what? the nookie. so stick it up your yeah.
or
Knight gets eaten by dragon, but not before whining about it and blaming the whole thing on his parents.

METALCORE/EMOCORE
Knight whines and screams about the Princess leaving him for a rich boy.  Dragon laughs at Knight for being a watered-down, eye-shadow-wearing wannabe.



-------------
http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC

"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon


Posted By: Royalist
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:21
You didn't include some important things:

POWER METAL
The mighty knight comes with his power and KiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIls the draaaaaaaaaaaaagon with his magic swooOoOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOrd!  He celebrates his victory full of power and eternal glory.   

THRASH METAL
The frightened and angry knight doesn't look forward to wasting his life for such a stupid thing like fighting dragons. He gets killed and the princess is a bitch. It's very unfair that poor knights have to die, let alone die for  f***** bitches.

NEOCLASSICAL METAL
Knighst? Dragons? F*** off!! I'm playing a very fast solo! BTW I'm the fastest guitarist in the world!


-------------


Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:36
SLUDGE METAL
Knight fights the dragon in a sticky swamp, the battle moves slower but is just as powerful.  Knight kills the princes slowly later on.




-------------
http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC

"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon


Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:37
Originally posted by GoldenSpiral GoldenSpiral wrote:

Originally posted by ivansfr0st ivansfr0st wrote:

You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal? Shocked
 
Clap
 
 -- Ivan



NU-METAL
Knight does it all for the nookie, what? the nookie. So you can take that cookie. so stick it up your yeah.


 
Now its perfectLOLWink


-------------
http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">


Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:44
Technical Metal
 
Knight slays dragon using 21 inch b*****d sword delivering 17 precise chops, slashing his bladder, left kidney, removing his abdomen, chopping up his small intestine and performing lobotomy in precisely 29 seconds, left handed. The mind of the princes cannot digest that much sheer perfection in half a minute. Her brain explodes in a shroud of white light.


-------------
http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">


Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:47
Originally posted by Ed_The_Dead Ed_The_Dead wrote:

Originally posted by GoldenSpiral GoldenSpiral wrote:

Originally posted by ivansfr0st ivansfr0st wrote:

You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal? Shocked
 
Clap
 
 -- Ivan



NU-METAL
Knight does it all for the nookie, what? the nookie. So you can take that cookie. so stick it up your yeah.


 
Now its perfectLOLWink


LOL  It's been so long since I heard the song (thank god) I forgot how it went. thanks!


-------------
http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC

"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon


Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:49
I kinda like that song... but don't tell anyone, ok?Embarrassed
Used to be a massive nu-metal fan back in the day... Still like early KoRn and disturbed though... ah my little sinsEmbarrassed


-------------
http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:52
Ha!
 
Then there was this old post of mine. It was original, and made me much beloved in certain quarters, as I recall:
*******************************************************************
 
Originally posted by James Lee



And just in case anyone is of the opinion that I simply always support anything Peter has to say:

I LOVE DEATH METAL! 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thanks for the support, James, but deaf mental? Dead Assuming you actually do derive some twisted gratification from the machine-gun fast, small-fuzzy-animal-slaying guitar, and the jackhammer drums, do you relate to the lyrics, or do you not much care about the words? Confused

And whence comes all this roiling anger? (Gun owner too, eh? Poor local cacti!)Wink

Anyway, are you sure you like Death Metal? You might be thinking of the wrong sub-category, you know. Perhaps the aural excrement you've managed to convince yourself you "like" is in reality from one of the following, soon to appear here, sub-sub-genres:

Plague, Pestilence, Fire and Famine Metal

Nasty Genital Rash Metal

(not to be confused with):

Irritating Embarrassing Scrotal Itch Metal

Clueless Amoral Degenerate Metal

Useless Parasite Metal

Long-haired Layabout Metal

Stop Playing X Box and Smoking Dope All Day and GET A GODDAMN JOB Metal

Absolute Aural Torture Metal

Vee Haff Vays uff Making You Talk Metal

Unhealty Obsession With Death and the Occult Metal

Troubling History of Bedwetting, Hurting Small Animals and Lighting Fires Metal

You're Killing Your Poor Mother Metal

Frittering Your Life Away Metal

Disappointment To Your Parents Metal

How Can You Go Out in Public Looking Like That Metal

Way-Too-Fast Guitar-W*nk Metal

Popular With Twelve Year Old Boys Metal

Longing for Your Lost Youth Metal

Putting Off Growing Up and Getting On With It Metal

Dutch Rub Metal

Chinese Burn Metal

Damned Good Hiding Metal

Severe Beating Metal

Bludgeon Into Unconsciousness But Stop Just Short of Killing Metal

Fated to Overdose in a Squalid Stinking Hovel Metal

Greasy Tatooed Stringy-Haired Freak Metal

Christ -- I'm Forty Years Old, I've Got a Mullet, All My Shirts Have Skulls on Them, and I Still Ride the Bus Metal

 

 

and other such cheerful, life-affirming expressions of the irrepressible human spirit....Wink



-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:53
^we were all nu-metal kids once...

-------------
http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC

"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon


Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:55
LOL@ Peter

-------------
http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC

"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon


Posted By: King of Loss
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:58
Where is Power Metal?


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:13
Originally posted by King of Loss King of Loss wrote:

Where is Power Metal?
 
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy MetalQuestion
 
 
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal) Geek
 
Wink


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: King of Loss
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:22
Originally posted by Peter Rideout Peter Rideout wrote:

Originally posted by King of Loss King of Loss wrote:

Where is Power Metal?
 
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy MetalQuestion
 
 
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal) Geek
 
Wink
 
LOLLOL
 
Very Creative post that is, ol' man! Wink


Posted By: Tristan Mulders
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:37
Cheer brilliance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ClapLOL

-------------
Interested in my reviews?
You can find them http://www.progarchives.com/Collaborators.asp?id=784 - HERE

"...He will search until He's found a Way to take the Days..."


Posted By: Viajero Astral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:42
Yeah, the Prog one is priceless LOL

-------------


Posted By: billbuckner
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:17
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"


Quote

Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.

Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.

Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”

[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.

Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.

Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.

Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.

Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.

Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”

Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.

Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?

Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?

Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.

Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.

Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).




Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:29
Originally posted by <FONT color=#0000ff>King of Loss</FONT> King of Loss wrote:

Originally posted by Peter Rideout Peter Rideout wrote:

Originally posted by King of Loss King of Loss wrote:

Where is Power Metal?
 
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy MetalQuestion
 
 
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal) Geek
 
Wink
 
LOLLOL
 
Very Creative post that is, ol' man! Wink
 
Why thank you, Ko'L!
 
'Tis all in jest, of course -- it's healthy be able to laugh at ourselves, I think!
 
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! Cool song! Cool (Don't know what I was thinking with that silly "Du Hast" thing, though!Embarrassed)
 
 
Still, I think metal in particular has a bewildering number of supposed categories. Why is that, I wonder? Confused Is the need to so finely and hair-splittingly assign the music to so many narrow categories driven by the fans, the artists, or the music biz? (It's all just metal, to me.) Beyond the broadest "necessary" categories, I find all those delineations (and not just in metal, but that genre seems the most fractured, by far) to be rather silly, and even somewhat anal. Can anyone really (independently) tell where each band belongs? Do any two fans ever agree on all of those categories? Is it a symptom of our troubled, divided times? Is it a part of our primitive, inherent tribal instinct to errect "walls" and barriers, to say who belongs, and who does not -- the old "us and them?" Where music once united youth, does it now largely divide? Did the CIA, Mark the Shark and/or the Republican party/military-industrial complex instigate this "divide and conquer" conspiracy? Is the TRUTH out there? Does Maani know it? Wacko
 
ShockedCould it all (gasp!) be our list-mad Mike's fault? Ermm
 
 
 
Shocked Piddling, passing concerns of global warming, environmental disaster and the clash of cultures, economies and religions aside, these are the momentous, pressing issues that trouble me to no end -- nor am I alone, I see, in my abject, paralyzing confusion! 'Tis a veritable Tower o' Babel, I tell ye! Stern Smile
 
 
 
 
 


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:37
Originally posted by Peter Rideout Peter Rideout wrote:

Originally posted by <font color=#0000ff>King of Loss</font> King of Loss wrote:

Originally posted by Peter Rideout Peter Rideout wrote:

Originally posted by King of Loss King of Loss wrote:

Where is Power Metal?
 
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy MetalQuestion
 
 
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal) Geek
 
Wink
 
LOLLOL
 
Very Creative post that is, ol' man! Wink
 
Why thank you, Ko'L!
 
'Tis all in jest, of course -- it's healthy be able to laugh at ourselves, I think!
 
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! Cool song! Cool (Don't know what I was thinking with that silly "Du Hast" thing, though!Embarrassed)
 
 
Still, I think metal in particular has a bewildering number of supposed categories. Why is that, I wonder? Confused Is the need to so finely and hair-splittingly assign the music to so many narrow categories driven by the fans, the artists, or the music biz? (It's all just metal, to me.) Beyond the broadest "necessary" categories, I find all those delineations (and not just in metal, but that genre seems the most fractured, by far) to be rather silly, and even somewhat anal. Can anyone really (independently) tell where each band belongs? Do any two fans ever agree on all of those categories? Is it a symptom of our troubled, divided times? Is it a part of primitive, inherent tribal instinct to errect "walls" and barriers, to say who belongs, and who does not -- the old "us and them?" Where music once united youth, does it now largely divide? Did the CIA, Mark the Shark and/or the Republican party/military-industrial complex instigate this "divide and conquer" conspiracy? Is the TRUTH out there? Does Maani know it? Wacko
 
ShockedCould it all (gasp!) be our list-mad Mike's fault? Ermm
 
 
 
Shocked Piddling, passing concerns of global warming, environmental disaster and the clash of cultures, economies and religions aside, these are the momentous, pressing issues that trouble me to no end -- nor am I alone, I see, in my abject, paralyzing confusion! 'Tis a veritable Tower o' Babel, I tell ye! Stern Smile
 
 
 
 
 


Good to see you liked a metal song PeterWink.

I actually agree with you about metal, its all to fractureed for its own good, and I havnt a clue why. As for catagorizing where bands go, this site is proof that no two people can agree on where all bands would go, its a shame that these genres actually do help to recommend similer bands to people, it would all be so much simpiler without them.


-------------
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005



Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:43
LOL
Originally posted by billbuckner billbuckner wrote:

That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"


Quote

Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.

Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.

Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”

[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.

Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.

Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.

Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.

Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.

Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”

Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.

Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?

Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?

Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.

Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.

Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).

 

 
 
^ Ha!
Now that's FUNNY! Love the "Light Metal" (would that be "aluminum" or "tin foil?"Confused) one, and the references to "creepy Scandinavian guys burning down orphanages" and the "Bwaaaarrgh!" vocals!LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
 
Thanks for sharing that, Billy Bee!Clap


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:51
Originally posted by sleeper sleeper wrote:


Good to see you liked a metal song PeterWink.

Shocked Who told you that? That incorrigible trouble maker Ko'L?
 
 
 
 
Right! Deploying war moose to his location now (liberal/humanist ethics be damned) -- don't try to stop me!!!!
 
Evil Smile


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:53
^Thats a fantastic road signLOL

-------------
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005



Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:56
Originally posted by sleeper sleeper wrote:

^Thats a fantastic road signLOL
It's from my home province -- the moose don't fool around there: they're actually out to kill you! (Then they eat your car!)Shocked
 


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: stonebeard
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 20:39
 
Big smile


-------------
http://soundcloud.com/drewagler" rel="nofollow - My soundcloud. Please give feedback if you want!


Posted By: Arsillus
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 23:22
Great stuff. ClapLOL


Posted By: Trickster F.
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 00:41
Originally posted by billbuckner billbuckner wrote:

That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"


Quote

Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.

Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.

Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”

[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.

Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.

Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.

Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.

Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.

Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”

Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.

Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?

Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?

Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.

Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.

Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).


 
 
This one is pretty stupid.
 
 -- Ivan


-------------
sig


Posted By: chamberry
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 02:17
LOL

All of those lists are a laugh!


-------------



Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 03:27
Originally posted by billbuckner billbuckner wrote:

Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs


Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head.

Check this little lot out...



Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?



Originally posted by Peter Rideout Peter Rideout wrote:

Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal


... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.

Originally posted by Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:

Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it!


There's hope for you yet! All together, now:

"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."

...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....

Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas

    

Whaddya think?

WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!

Etc.
    
    

-------------

Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: VanderGraafKommandöh
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 04:08
Nice t-shirt! Thumbs Up

-------------


Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:22
I want to know were the name Sandwich Boys came from.LOL

-------------
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005



Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:37
Originally posted by Geck0 Geck0 wrote:

Nice t-shirt! 


You should see it under UV light....

-------------

Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: Eetu Pellonpaa
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:47

Quote GRIND METAL

Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves

This is my music! Big smile


Posted By: Joren
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:46
Originally posted by Jim Garten Jim Garten wrote:

Originally posted by billbuckner billbuckner wrote:

Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs


Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head.

Check this little lot out...

 

Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?



Originally posted by Peter Rideout Peter Rideout wrote:

Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal


... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.

Originally posted by Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:

Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it!


There's hope for you yet! All together, now:

"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."

...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....

Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas

    

Whaddya think?

WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!

Etc.
    
    


WTF? Is that a wig or is that your real hair? Big smile


Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:55
- I wish!

You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that this week...

It was a wig unceremoniously dumped on my head at a party last weekend; pure coincidence that it actually seems to suit me (my hair hasn't been that length for over 10 years now... )
    

-------------

Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: Joren
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 15:51
Originally posted by Jim Garten Jim Garten wrote:

- I wish!

You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that this week...

It was a wig unceremoniously dumped on my head at a party last weekend; pure coincidence that it actually seems to suit me (my hair hasn't been that length for over 10 years now... )
    


The colour of the wig is pretty natural as well. Looking good there Jimbo! You look like a hippie drag queen! Wink


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 23:43
Originally posted by Joren Joren wrote:

Originally posted by <FONT color=#ff00cc>Jimberly Garten, flamboyantly arrayed in pumps & feather boa, and listening to ABBA, as always</FONT> Jimberly Garten, flamboyantly arrayed in pumps & feather boa, and listening to ABBA, as always wrote:

- I wish!

You'd be surprised how many people have asked me to come go out this week My pager just never stops vibrating! (Bet you're jealous, you little b*tch)! HeartHeartHeart (giggle! gush!) 

It was one of my old wigs which I unashamedly sported in the toilet at a gala soiree last weekend; a pure dream come true that it actually still seems to suit me (my real hair hasn't been that luxurious length for over 10 years now, since I stopped dancing professionally ).
Kisses, darling!
    


The colour of the wig is pretty natural as well. Looking good there Jimbo! You look like a hippie drag queen! Wink
 
LOL
 
Yeah, sort of like a fruit-flavoured version of the old degenerate on the Aqualung cover:
 
 
Shocked
 
 
 
 
ErmmHmmm... Let's call him......... Faggin'  Big smile   V
 
The jig is up, Jimberly!
 
LOL
 


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: June 02 2006 at 09:59
Gartens got a PURDY MOUTH

-------------
Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally


Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: June 02 2006 at 10:04
Oh Lard please      

Deliver me

From the Methane !!!!!!!

-------------
Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally


Posted By: Barla
Date Posted: June 04 2006 at 00:34
LOL
Funny, very funny !! Clap


Posted By: Rorro
Date Posted: June 06 2006 at 05:25
The Post of the year


Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: June 06 2006 at 07:39
You Swines! You damned hateful, spiteful swines!

+++sob+++

Flounces out of room, melodramatically throwing feather boa over left shoulder of brand new risque (and deleriously fetching) cerise lamee party frock, trips over trailing end & falls face first into hi-fi unit, simultaneously scratching only copy of "Barbara Streisand Sings Opeth", squashing faithful pink dyed poodle "Foo-Foo" and breaking a nail...


"AAaaaaaggghhhh! - my nails! my nails!"

Runs frantically (yet still coquettishly...) for the bedroom, and the only comfort in these cruel times - his signed copy of Liza Minelli's magnum opus: "Cabaret For Proggers - The Pallas Years"...

"Liza, Liza - nobody understands!"

Dramatically throws arm over forehead for that tragic maiden look, misses balance & falls off bed, knocking over zircon encrusted combination bidet/commode/makeup bag, and lands legs akimbo with his head in the ashtray.

"Bugger"



-------------

Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: June 06 2006 at 08:19
Originally posted by Jim Garten Jim Garten wrote:



Runs frantically (yet still coquettishly...) for the bedroom, and the only comfort in these cruel times - his signed copy of Liza Minelli's magnum opus: "Cabaret For Proggers - The Pallas Years"...

"Liza, Liza - nobody understands!"

Dramatically throws arm over forehead for that tragic maiden look, misses balance & falls off bed, knocking over zircon encrusted combination bidet/commode/makeup bag, and lands legs akimbo with his head in the ashtray.

"Bugger"

 
Ha!
 
 
 
ErmmI think "slim shaven limbs akimbo" would work well there, Jimberly.
 
 


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.



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