A Young Person's Guide to Metal
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Topic: A Young Person's Guide to Metal
Posted By: Sean Trane
Subject: A Young Person's Guide to Metal
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:14
Now that Lordi has won Eurovision, I am sure most of the archives members have been swamped with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since we are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right?
So, here goes the differences:
HEAVY METAL:
The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess
SPEED METAL
Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess
HARD ROCK
Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon
BLACK METAL
Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan
SYMPHONIC BLACK METAL
Ditto but with more finesse
HAIR METAL
Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon
FOLK METAL
Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love’s eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids
INDUS METAL
Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castle’s security
DEATH METAL
Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess
BRUTAL DEATH METAL
Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess
DOOM METAL
Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions
ALTERNATIVE METAL
Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves.
VIKING METAL
Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer
GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER
Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess’s dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band’s drummer to come in and save her
PROGMETAL
Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight
ATHMOSPHERIC METAL
Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight.
GLAM METAL
Knights comes in dressed up like a faggot and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princess’s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink
GRIND METAL
Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves
GORE METAL
Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts , spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess
NEO METAL
Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes wank off in the forest
TRUE BLACK METAL (Old Style)
Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon
TRUE BLACK METAL (New Style)
Knight comes in, starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly
After this short guide, if your parents still do not understand after this, invite your local Gore Metal group for a demonstration.
------------- let's just stay above the moral melee prefer the sink to the gutter keep our sand-castle virtues content to be a doer as well as a thinker, prefer lifting our pen rather than un-sheath our sword
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Replies:
Posted By: Raff
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:23
What else can I say but.... Hugues, you're an absolute genius!!!
I started laughing out loud at the Prog-Metal definition... Somebody's going to get p****d off about that, but to me that's really priceless!
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Posted By: Norbert
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:48
Doom, atmospheric, grind and glam are the best
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Posted By: Vompatti
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 04:57
Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:09
All we need now is a MENTAL GUIDE
------------- Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally
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Posted By: Bj-1
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:25
Posted By: Man Made God
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:29
You've created this one Sean? It seems pretty familiar to me...
But great list nonetheless!
------------- http://www.last.fm/user/manmadegod/?chartstyle=ScarlettJohansson1">
Focus on the music... Focus!
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Posted By: TheProgtologist
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 09:52
Posted By: Ricochet
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 09:53
yeah!
-------------
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Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:36
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
------------- Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally
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Posted By: Sean Trane
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:39
Man Made God wrote:
You've created this one Sean? It seems pretty familiar to me...
But great list nonetheless!
|
Let's just say I translated it from French last night, adapted it to the Lordi situation, added a few styles (Symphonic Black Metal and Atmospheric metal).
but first time I read a similar list dates from a few years back (three or four at most)
I got another similar thing on the Blues, which I have to re-type and translate also.
coming up soon
------------- let's just stay above the moral melee prefer the sink to the gutter keep our sand-castle virtues content to be a doer as well as a thinker, prefer lifting our pen rather than un-sheath our sword
|
Posted By: The Wizard
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:45
Posted By: glass house
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:46
Great .
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Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:53
This is priceless
------------- Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
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Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:54
Yes but don´t forget the V.A.T
------------- Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally
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Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 11:16
@ Doom, Atmospheric
brilliant.
------------- http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC
"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon
|
Posted By: Blacksword
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 11:19
Hugues, thats classic!
------------- Ultimately bored by endless ecstasy!
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Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 12:43
Absolutely superb, Hughes...
To take a slight liberty....
PALLAS METAL
Knight tries to copy a better Knight from history, Dragon laughs so hard he falls off cliff, princess tells Knight to F*** Off!
Sorry guys, couldn't resist...
-------------
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Posted By: Wilcey
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 12:50
Jim you crack me up!!!!
made my day!
P-C
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Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:14
Great!!!
------------- http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">
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Posted By: Abstrakt
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:14
Posted By: Trickster F.
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:20
You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal?
-- Ivan
------------- sig
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Posted By: Raff
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:36
I think "Neo-metal" was intended to be "Nu-metal". The description fits quite well anyway! And isn't Pagan Metal the same as Viking Metal?
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Posted By: Man With Hat
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 14:50
------------- Dig me...But don't...Bury me I'm running still, I shall until, one day, I hope that I'll arrive Warning: Listening to jazz excessively can cause a laxative effect.
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Posted By: AtLossForWords
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:02
ivansfr0st wrote:
You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal?
-- Ivan |
I've seen something like this before on other websites. I'll take my best shot at what Pagan, Nu Metal, and Metalcore.
Pagan Metal
Knight prays to Thor puts on horned helmet and watches Thor shock the dragon and princess with a lighting bolt.
Nu Metal
Blows enough pot smoke out the dragon he looses his fire blowing skills and runs away, then rudely rapes princess.
Metalcore
Tries to copy every other knights style, but fails miserably leaving the princess to the dragon and runs away in his tight pants.
-------------
"Mastodon sucks giant monkey balls."
|
Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:09
ivansfr0st wrote:
You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal?
-- Ivan |
AVANT-METAL knight rides in to heavy music, but instead of slaying the dragon, attempts to confuse it with a clarinet solo. Princess becomes puzzled and bored, wanders off.
NU-METAL Knight does it all for the nookie, what? the nookie. so stick it up your yeah. or Knight gets eaten by dragon, but not before whining about it and blaming the whole thing on his parents.
METALCORE/EMOCORE Knight whines and screams about the Princess leaving him for a rich boy. Dragon laughs at Knight for being a watered-down, eye-shadow-wearing wannabe.
------------- http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC
"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon
|
Posted By: Royalist
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:21
You didn't include some important things:
POWER METAL The mighty knight comes with his power and KiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIls the draaaaaaaaaaaaagon with his magic swooOoOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOrd! He celebrates his victory full of power and eternal glory.
THRASH METAL The frightened and angry knight doesn't look forward to wasting his life for such a stupid thing like fighting dragons. He gets killed and the princess is a bitch. It's very unfair that poor knights have to die, let alone die for f***** bitches.
NEOCLASSICAL METAL Knighst? Dragons? F*** off!! I'm playing a very fast solo! BTW I'm the fastest guitarist in the world!
-------------
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Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:36
SLUDGE METAL Knight fights the dragon in a sticky swamp, the battle moves slower but is just as powerful. Knight kills the princes slowly later on.
------------- http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC
"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon
|
Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:37
GoldenSpiral wrote:
ivansfr0st wrote:
You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal?
-- Ivan |
NU-METAL Knight does it all for the nookie, what? the nookie. So you can take that cookie. so stick it up your yeah.
|
Now its perfect
------------- http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">
|
Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:44
Technical Metal
Knight slays dragon using 21 inch b*****d sword delivering 17 precise chops, slashing his bladder, left kidney, removing his abdomen, chopping up his small intestine and performing lobotomy in precisely 29 seconds, left handed. The mind of the princes cannot digest that much sheer perfection in half a minute. Her brain explodes in a shroud of white light.
------------- http://www.last.fm/user/ed_the_dead/?chartstyle=asimpleblue5">
|
Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:47
Ed_The_Dead wrote:
GoldenSpiral wrote:
ivansfr0st wrote:
You forgot Pagan and Nu-Metal! And what about Jazzmetal, Metalcore and Avant-Metal?
-- Ivan |
NU-METAL Knight does it all for the nookie, what? the nookie. So you can take that cookie. so stick it up your yeah.
|
Now its perfect |
It's been so long since I heard the song (thank god) I forgot how it went. thanks!
------------- http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC
"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon
|
Posted By: Ed_The_Dead
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:49
Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:52
Ha!
Then there was this old post of mine. It was original, and made me much beloved in certain quarters, as I recall:
*******************************************************************
Originally posted by James LeeAnd just in case anyone is of the opinion that I simply always support anything Peter has to say: I LOVE DEATH METAL!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks for the support, James, but deaf mental? Assuming you actually do derive some twisted gratification from the machine-gun fast, small-fuzzy-animal-slaying guitar, and the jackhammer drums, do you relate to the lyrics, or do you not much care about the words?
And whence comes all this roiling anger? (Gun owner too, eh? Poor local cacti!)
Anyway, are you sure you like Death Metal? You might be thinking of the wrong sub-category, you know. Perhaps the aural excrement you've managed to convince yourself you "like" is in reality from one of the following, soon to appear here, sub-sub-genres:
Plague, Pestilence, Fire and Famine Metal
Nasty Genital Rash Metal
(not to be confused with):
Irritating Embarrassing Scrotal Itch Metal
Clueless Amoral Degenerate Metal
Useless Parasite Metal
Long-haired Layabout Metal
Stop Playing X Box and Smoking Dope All Day and GET A GODDAMN JOB Metal
Absolute Aural Torture Metal
Vee Haff Vays uff Making You Talk Metal
Unhealty Obsession With Death and the Occult Metal
Troubling History of Bedwetting, Hurting Small Animals and Lighting Fires Metal
You're Killing Your Poor Mother Metal
Frittering Your Life Away Metal
Disappointment To Your Parents Metal
How Can You Go Out in Public Looking Like That Metal
Way-Too-Fast Guitar-W*nk Metal
Popular With Twelve Year Old Boys Metal
Longing for Your Lost Youth Metal
Putting Off Growing Up and Getting On With It Metal
Dutch Rub Metal
Chinese Burn Metal
Damned Good Hiding Metal
Severe Beating Metal
Bludgeon Into Unconsciousness But Stop Just Short of Killing Metal
Fated to Overdose in a Squalid Stinking Hovel Metal
Greasy Tatooed Stringy-Haired Freak Metal
Christ -- I'm Forty Years Old, I've Got a Mullet, All My Shirts Have Skulls on Them, and I Still Ride the Bus Metal
and other such cheerful, life-affirming expressions of the irrepressible human spirit....
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
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Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:53
^we were all nu-metal kids once...
------------- http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC
"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon
|
Posted By: GoldenSpiral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:55
@ Peter
------------- http://www.myspace.com/altaic" rel="nofollow - http://www.myspace.com/altaic
ALTAIC
"Oceans Down You'll Lie"
coming soon
|
Posted By: King of Loss
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 15:58
Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:13
King of Loss wrote:
Where is Power Metal? |
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy Metal
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal)
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
|
Posted By: King of Loss
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:22
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Where is Power Metal? |
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy Metal
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal)
|
Very Creative post that is, ol' man!
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Posted By: Tristan Mulders
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:37
Cheer brilliance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------- Interested in my reviews?
You can find them http://www.progarchives.com/Collaborators.asp?id=784 - HERE
"...He will search until He's found a Way to take the Days..."
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Posted By: Viajero Astral
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 16:42
Yeah, the Prog one is priceless
-------------
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Posted By: billbuckner
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:17
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys
with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar
solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon
t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the
late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its
corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful
tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH”
vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each
others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names,
which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret
no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal
but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead
of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a
brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and
Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some
of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without
explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this
crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is
functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take
all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or,
alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken
for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good
grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t
think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light
rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal
equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon
and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid
people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal
is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad
news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my
state-mandated community service hours).
|
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Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:29
King of Loss wrote:
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Where is Power Metal? |
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy Metal
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal)
|
Very Creative post that is, ol' man! |
Why thank you, Ko'L!
'Tis all in jest, of course -- it's healthy be able to laugh at ourselves, I think!
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! Cool song! (Don't know what I was thinking with that silly "Du Hast" thing, though!)
Still, I think metal in particular has a bewildering number of supposed categories. Why is that, I wonder? Is the need to so finely and hair-splittingly assign the music to so many narrow categories driven by the fans, the artists, or the music biz? (It's all just metal, to me.) Beyond the broadest "necessary" categories, I find all those delineations (and not just in metal, but that genre seems the most fractured, by far) to be rather silly, and even somewhat anal. Can anyone really (independently) tell where each band belongs? Do any two fans ever agree on all of those categories? Is it a symptom of our troubled, divided times? Is it a part of our primitive, inherent tribal instinct to errect "walls" and barriers, to say who belongs, and who does not -- the old "us and them?" Where music once united youth, does it now largely divide? Did the CIA, Mark the Shark and/or the Republican party/military-industrial complex instigate this "divide and conquer" conspiracy? Is the TRUTH out there? Does Maani know it?
Could it all (gasp!) be our list-mad Mike's fault?
Piddling, passing concerns of global warming, environmental disaster and the clash of cultures, economies and religions aside, these are the momentous, pressing issues that trouble me to no end -- nor am I alone, I see, in my abject, paralyzing confusion! 'Tis a veritable Tower o' Babel, I tell ye!
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
|
Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:37
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Peter Rideout wrote:
King of Loss wrote:
Where is Power Metal? |
Yes, or even the more environmentally-friendly Alternate Energy Metal
Sub-sub-genres of this growing sub-genre include: Wind Farm Metal, Tidal Power Metal, Solar Power Metal, Fuel Cell Metal (still in development), Hamster Wheel Metal, Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal and Garbage Metal (also known as Methane Metal, but not to be confused with the blatantly offensive Fart Metal)
|
Very Creative post that is, ol' man! |
Why thank you, Ko'L!
'Tis all in jest, of course -- it's healthy be able to laugh at ourselves, I think!
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! Cool song! (Don't know what I was thinking with that silly "Du Hast" thing, though!)
Still, I think metal in particular has a bewildering number of supposed categories. Why is that, I wonder? Is the need to so finely and hair-splittingly assign the music to so many narrow categories driven by the fans, the artists, or the music biz? (It's all just metal, to me.) Beyond the broadest "necessary" categories, I find all those delineations (and not just in metal, but that genre seems the most fractured, by far) to be rather silly, and even somewhat anal. Can anyone really (independently) tell where each band belongs? Do any two fans ever agree on all of those categories? Is it a symptom of our troubled, divided times? Is it a part of primitive, inherent tribal instinct to errect "walls" and barriers, to say who belongs, and who does not -- the old "us and them?" Where music once united youth, does it now largely divide? Did the CIA, Mark the Shark and/or the Republican party/military-industrial complex instigate this "divide and conquer" conspiracy? Is the TRUTH out there? Does Maani know it?
Could it all (gasp!) be our list-mad Mike's fault?
Piddling, passing concerns of global warming, environmental disaster and the clash of cultures, economies and religions aside, these are the momentous, pressing issues that trouble me to no end -- nor am I alone, I see, in my abject, paralyzing confusion! 'Tis a veritable Tower o' Babel, I tell ye!
|
Good to see you liked a metal song Peter.
I actually agree with you about metal, its all to fractureed for its own good, and I havnt a clue why. As for catagorizing where bands go, this site is proof that no two people can agree on where all bands would go, its a shame that these genres actually do help to recommend similer bands to people, it would all be so much simpiler without them.
------------- Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
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Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:43
billbuckner wrote:
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).
|
|
^ Ha!
Thanks for sharing that, Billy Bee!
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
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Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:51
sleeper wrote:
Good to see you liked a metal song Peter.
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Who told you that? That incorrigible trouble maker Ko'L?
Right! Deploying war moose to his location now (liberal/humanist ethics be damned) -- don't try to stop me!!!!
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
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Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:53
^Thats a fantastic road sign
------------- Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
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Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:56
sleeper wrote:
^Thats a fantastic road sign |
It's from my home province -- the moose don't fool around there: they're actually out to kill you! (Then they eat your car!)
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
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Posted By: stonebeard
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 20:39
------------- http://soundcloud.com/drewagler" rel="nofollow - My soundcloud. Please give feedback if you want!
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Posted By: Arsillus
Date Posted: May 30 2006 at 23:22
Great stuff.
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Posted By: Trickster F.
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 00:41
billbuckner wrote:
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).
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This one is pretty stupid.
-- Ivan
------------- sig
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Posted By: chamberry
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 02:17
All of those lists are a laugh!
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Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 03:27
billbuckner wrote:
Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs |
Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head.
Check this little lot out...
Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?
Peter Rideout wrote:
Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal |
... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.
Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! |
There's hope for you yet! All together, now:
"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."
...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....
Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas
Whaddya think?
WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Etc.
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Posted By: VanderGraafKommandöh
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 04:08
Nice t-shirt!
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Posted By: sleeper
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:22
I want to know were the name Sandwich Boys came from.
------------- Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
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Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:37
Geck0 wrote:
Nice t-shirt! |
You should see it under UV light....
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Posted By: Eetu Pellonpaa
Date Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:47
GRIND METAL
Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves |
This is my music!
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Posted By: Joren
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:46
Jim Garten wrote:
billbuckner wrote:
Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs |
Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head.
Check this little lot out...
Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?
Peter Rideout wrote:
Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal |
... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.
Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! |
There's hope for you yet! All together, now:
"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."
...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....
Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas
Whaddya think?
WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Etc.
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WTF? Is that a wig or is that your real hair?
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Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:55
- I wish!
You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that this week...
It was a wig unceremoniously dumped on my head at a party last weekend; pure coincidence that it actually seems to suit me (my hair hasn't been that length for over 10 years now... )
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Posted By: Joren
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 15:51
Jim Garten wrote:
- I wish!
You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that this week...
It was a wig unceremoniously dumped on my head at a party last weekend; pure coincidence that it actually seems to suit me (my hair hasn't been that length for over 10 years now... )
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The colour of the wig is pretty natural as well. Looking good there Jimbo! You look like a hippie drag queen!
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Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: June 01 2006 at 23:43
Joren wrote:
The colour of the wig is pretty natural as well. Looking good there Jimbo! You look like a hippie drag queen!
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Yeah, sort of like a fruit-flavoured version of the old degenerate on the Aqualung cover:
Hmmm... Let's call him......... Faggin' V
The jig is up, Jimberly!
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
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Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: June 02 2006 at 09:59
Gartens got a PURDY MOUTH
------------- Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally
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Posted By: Velvetclown
Date Posted: June 02 2006 at 10:04
Oh Lard please
Deliver me
From the Methane !!!!!!!
------------- Billy Connolly
Dream Theater
Terry Gilliam
Hagen Quartet
Jethro Tull
Mike Keneally
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Posted By: Barla
Date Posted: June 04 2006 at 00:34
Funny, very funny !!
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Posted By: Rorro
Date Posted: June 06 2006 at 05:25
Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: June 06 2006 at 07:39
You Swines! You damned hateful, spiteful swines!
+++sob+++
Flounces out of room, melodramatically throwing feather boa over left shoulder of brand new risque (and deleriously fetching) cerise lamee party frock, trips over trailing end & falls face first into hi-fi unit, simultaneously scratching only copy of "Barbara Streisand Sings Opeth", squashing faithful pink dyed poodle "Foo-Foo" and breaking a nail...
"AAaaaaaggghhhh! - my nails! my nails!"
Runs frantically (yet still coquettishly...) for the bedroom, and the only comfort in these cruel times - his signed copy of Liza Minelli's magnum opus: "Cabaret For Proggers - The Pallas Years"...
"Liza, Liza - nobody understands!"
Dramatically throws arm over forehead for that tragic maiden look, misses balance & falls off bed, knocking over zircon encrusted combination bidet/commode/makeup bag, and lands legs akimbo with his head in the ashtray.
"Bugger"
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: June 06 2006 at 08:19
Jim Garten wrote:
Runs frantically (yet still coquettishly...) for the bedroom, and the only comfort in these cruel times - his signed copy of Liza Minelli's magnum opus: "Cabaret For Proggers - The Pallas Years"...
"Liza, Liza - nobody understands!"
Dramatically throws arm over forehead for that tragic maiden look, misses balance & falls off bed, knocking over zircon encrusted combination bidet/commode/makeup bag, and lands legs akimbo with his head in the ashtray.
"Bugger"
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Ha!
I think "slim shaven limbs akimbo" would work well there, Jimberly.
------------- "And, has thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy.
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