SR IV: This is the end, my only friend, the end.

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   The Big Lebowski is a very strange movie.

 Petrovsk Mizinski wrote:

 Henry Plainview wrote:

 Petrovsk Mizinski wrote:

That article is pretty hilarious.

He is a very entertaining writer, and because of that he has a bit of a fan club, which makes him uncomfortable. I'll copy a few more of them if anybody else cares.

Indeed.
It has also inspired me to do more drugs.

This was someone else's reply to it. I'm just going to assume you agree.

 Hold on a second.
Are you saying that if I eat some funny mushrooms I can rape 13 year olds without actually raping 13 year olds?

The Lord provides.
Two more stories, he has other good ones but finding them at this point would be nearly impossible. 

 one time, my buddy john got tickled by this girl he was flirting with at a party
and he curled up and giggled and then got all serious and was like "god don't ever tickle me i don't enjoy it, please don't"

so the four of us, being a****les

held him down and tickled him until he literally peed his pants

he didn't like, totally soak his jeans

but there was a little wet spot there where he lost control and because he was wearing really light jeans it was totally obvious

we teased him about it for months after, but we stopped when he started to get actually mad at us about it

years later he told me a terrible, terrible secret

the reason john hates being tickled is because it totally turns him on, regardless of who is actually doing it, and that time we thought we tickled him so hard as to make him pee his pants?

nope

he actually blew his load

hence why he was so angry with us.

 so a few years ago i went to my uncle joe's wedding.
now something you have to understand about my family, little preface here, is that my family is f**king huge.

my grandparents had six kids. my grandfather's brother had six kids. my grandmother's sister had seven kids.

most of them have kids of their own, so i've got a metric f**kton of cousins, second cousins, sh*t like that.

so my extended family is f**king massive. when we have big family sh*t like weddings and funerals, it's like god damn operation overlord over here.

except instead of storming the beaches of normandy it's storming the open bar.

anyway

so, uncle joe's wedding. tons of people, and not just relatives. the thing with weddings is, you don't just see family there. you got your family member's spouses and girlfriends and whatnot. people you aren't related to by blood, per se, but by marriage or something.

and then you get people who use the "and guest" proviso of their invite to bring their friends because maybe they are single and just don't want to be bored for hours hanging out with family they never see and don't know.

so it's the reception. people are dancing, food's getting served, the usual suspects are getting plastered on the open bar.

i am sitting at a table with my brother and some of my cousins who are similar to us in age, the crowd we normally hang out with at family functions.

we look over at the dance floor and we see my cousin mark is dancing with this chick we don't know. is it mark's girlfriend? we didn't know mark had a girlfriend, we were all pretty sure mark didn't bring no chick with him.

so who's this? maybe it's some friend of one of our other relatives, the kind of hangers-on that end up coming to these things.

we sit there gossiping while they are dancing. they got a pretty good hip grind going as they dance, clearly there is a boner in play and she is doing that thing chicks do at clubs where they will grind a guy's package to get a gauge of how big he is in the pants.

oh, you didn't know chicks do that? they do. next time a chick is grinding your pelvis at the club keep in mind she's not just dry-humping you, she is measuring you. she's using her crotch as a gauge for what kind of arsenal you are packing.

so they are doing this thing, and really we are happy for mark. this dude cannot catch a break with women.

let me tell you a bit about mark. mark is ugly as sin. he just is. he wouldn't be so ugly except he's got this motherf**king horseface. it's his momma's fault, really, he gets it from her. you know that scene in army of darkness where ash is looking at the three necronomicons and the one is basically a black hole, and he gets sucked in, and then when he pulls himself out his face is all stretched funky?

that's mark.

so we're rooting for mark, kinda. all like "go dude!"

but the lot of us are starting to become concerned. my brother does a little walkabout the hall, talking to some of the female cousins, asking them if they brought an unrelated chick with them or something, who is mark dancing with, etc.

we are becoming concerned that mark may in fact be hip-jostling with a woman to whom he has blood relation

mark and this mystery woman grab drinks, while we silently watch from a table across the hall, trying to discern as some kind of familial tribunal whether we should intervene.

then we learn the truth: this woman's name is carrie, and she's marianne's daughter. so who is marianne.

we begin compiling a chart. more of a backwards family tree, really, starting with carrie and working up to find out if she's family or not.

carrie is marianne's daughter. marianne is the daughter of great-aunt shelly, who is the sister of marilyn. marilyn is my, and also mark's, grandmother.

so carrie is mark's second cousin.

we are sitting here, looking horrified at this tiny family tree we just compiled on the tablecloth in black marker.

now, you might have your own feelings on what constitutes incest. you might have your own opinion on whether dry-humping your second cousin is cool or not. that's not important. what is important is that it is unlikely mark knows about this, and we want the guy to at least make an informed decision on this subject.

so we look around for mark.

he is nowhere to be seen.

where's carrie?

she's gone too!

uh oh

my brother sets out to look for him. me? i sit down and enjoy a rye and coke. i consider this very much not my responsibility, and to be perfectly frank, the last thing i want to do is find my cousins f**king in a closet somewhere.

so, my brother is out looking for mark, and then suddenly, mark sits down next to us at the table. he has what is scientifically referred to as a "sh*t-eating grin".

oh, jesus christ.

mark is all "hey guys" and i try to quietly move my plate over top of the family tree that reveals MARK f**kED HIS COUSIN that we just drew on the tablecloth.

mark explains to us, in both excited but hushed detail, how he met this chick carrie and she's incredible and they snuck into the walk-in fridge and she gave him a blowjob and then when he was rock hard she turned around, dropped her panties and they f**ked right there in the walk-in fridge.

mark noooooooooooo

me and my cousin paul don't know what to say. how do you break it to a man he just f**ked his cousin?

then he says to us "i dunno, guys, it was pretty good for my first time"

my cousin mark, god help him, just lost his virginity to his own cousin in the walk-in fridge at his uncle's wedding reception.

i ask him where carrie is now. he tells me that because he didn't have a condom, he pulled out just before he came (which, to give the guy some credit, is a pretty impressive feat for his first time) and he blasted sauce all over her hosery, so she's in the women's washroom trying to clean it off.

so then my brother walks up, all out of breath and stuff

he's like "oh man, mark, thank god i found you before you did anything stupid..."

i am giving my brother ixnay hand movements, but he's not getting it

"that chick you were dancing with, carrie? she's your cousin, dude."

he then pushes over my plate, revealing the family tree we had drawn on the tablecloth to figure out what the situation was.

there, staring him in the face with black magic marker on a tablecloth white as fresh snow, was the horrifying truth:

he had f**ked his cousin.

mark starts going "no no no no no" while shaking his head, and then my brother realizes he was too late and he just made the situation incredibly worse.

mark screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and yanks the tablecloth, as if trying to toss the horrible truth away.

the problem is, the tablecloth itself still had a full set of dishes on it, and most importantly, it had an oil candle centerpiece in it, which flew a few feet and then shattered, slicking the floor with oil that quickly caught on fire.

someone shouts "FIRE!" and other people panic. someone pulls the fire alarm, and the whole room evacuates.

in the confused aftermath, with everyone standing otuside in the november cold, the story spread. mark and carrie had sex in the walk-in fridge. carrie was in the bathroom because mark got semen on her pantyhose. mark ripped the tablecloth off because it had a family tree showing the proof on it.

there's a lesson to be had here: don't f**k anyone at a wedding unless you've already confirmed you're unrelated to them.

or just don't f**k people at weddings, i guess, but where's the fun in that?

Edited by Henry Plainview - May 07 2009 at 23:20