Ridiculous made-up reviews thread

2001
Grand Opening And Closing

I thought this was a children's album, plus it had the word "Sleepytime" in it, so I put in on repeat in my toddler's room overnight to help him sleep.  This was last week and now he can't stop crying.  My wife is ready to divorce me.  Why don't they put warning labels on this crap?  Thanks for nothing, stupid ProgArchives. 

That's awesome Pat

I myself enjoyed a chuckle upon reading your review, Pat.  

In The Court Of The Crimson King is an absolute masterpiece. From the first notes of 21st Century Schizoid man to the ... oh wait, this is In The Wake Of Poseidon. Sorry, easily confused. Because they sound exactly the ****** same. All the way through. I Talk To The Wind is identical to Cadence And Cascade (except the piano, and the lyrics, and the vocals, and the acoustic melody, and... ah, never mind), 21st Century Schizoid Man is basically done again in Pictures Of A City, which is basically the same mellotron thrum, shouted-out aggressive lyrics. Heck, Lake even says 'innocents raped with napalm fire' again in the middle, but it's still brilliant. In The Wake Of Poseidon is like Epitaph, and has a mellotron and drumming and stuff like Epitaph. Cat Food corresponds exactly to the chord sequence 7.18 through Moonchild and the only difference is that the vocals are louder. Peace (A Theme) and the peace sections are a bit like the other parts of Moonchild, probably... and because everything else corresponds neatly, The Devil's Triangle is exactly like In The Court Of The Crimson King.

So, yeah, it's an exact copy of In The Court Of The Crimson King. Exact. So exact that they just changed the album artwork a bit.

Five stars, since Court was a masterpiece too.

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Here's a real one from 2005:

http://www.progarchives.com/Review.asp?id=38597

Bern wrote:

Tony R wrote: Here's a real one from 2005: http://www.progarchives.com/Review.asp?id=38597

I remember seeing that one before I started posting on the forums and I was like, "What the heck?"

Not being very musically inclined I need to save all my creativity for my actual reviews!  Being heavily encouraged to back up your ratings with reviews is a lot of pressure on a guy, you know.  I mean I just wanted to pop in and say "bloody good album blokes" but no, I've got to ramble on with my empty words, each more hollow than the last.  I lie awake most nights sweeting, long winded essays about musical form stuffed underneath my pillow in a futile attempt to catch up.  My wife refused to make love to me over my insistance that I was, in fact, pulling the Frank Zappa mustache off.  She left me for good when I forced the kids to break down and diagram every bar of Jethro Tull's Thick As A Brick on the walls of their room day and night without rest.  I lost my job when my boss found out I had replaced my desk with a hammond organ and that I had no idea how to play it.  When I lost my job I could no longer afford the booze and call girls that were keeping me going, they were the only ones that truely understood the pain of not being able to break down every note of Close To The Edge with cold technical proficiency.  All I have now is this website, the reviews starring at me, laughing at me, and my Red vinyl which I had mistakenly signed when in the hight of madness I believed I had become Robert Fripp.  The laptop I write this on is stolen, taken in a fit of violent rage from a SOB I swear was the dark being, Dennis DeYoung himself.  Five stars for Grave New World, wait, oh God, it's a warning, I'm filled with doubt, what have I done.  WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Edited by manofmystery - December 07 2008 at 02:04

I don´t know how to post the cover and ratings, but here´s my one star review of one of the greatest classics:

Genesis – Foxtrot: very aardvark rhythms
Rating: *
If you’re looking for good dance music, stay away from this one! My wife and I go to dancing classes, and we wanted some nice music to rehearse to. These gays, however, don’t have a clue. I mean, they call their album Foxtrot, but there’s not one single moment here where you feel like dancing.
    Starting with the horrible Water of the Skies (about rain, I suppose), they give you this aardvark rhythm that rather glues your feet to the floor. The next one, Time Table, is equally undanceable. It seems it’s about a gay waiting for the bus or something, but he dies before the bus arrives. Stupid. Then comes a long song that I actually managed to dance to, but not with ease, I assure you. Towards the end there’s a bassoon, or maybe a baboon solo which gives me absolutely nothing. And I don’t agree with the moral of the song: It’s about going out each Friday (without dancing, of course), buying something (drugs, maybe? It wouldn’t surprise me!) cheap and selling it at a much higher price, and in the end giving all your money to the church. Are they Catholics or something? As a good Protestant I don’t have to pay for my salvation!
    The next one is so strange that I’m not even able to write the title. It doesn’t matter; it’s useless anyway. Starting with a mandolin (or maybe accordion, I’m no expert), the band seems uncertain of the key. The singer squeals something about a king at a beach party, I think, and then, when they should start dancing, another aardvark rhythm sets in and completely destroys your mood for dancing. Skip the rest, the abrupt ending can not save this sorry shipwreck of a song.
    Next is a short instrumental called Horizons. It’s easily the best track and reminds me of a classical peace, I think it was Clayderman, but here it’s played with some weird instrument like bazooka or something, and I prefer the pianissimo.
    But the worst is yet to come. The gay in the record store called this song a “sweet”, but mind you, it’s far from sweet in my ears! The title is Supper’s Ready, and it’s got a lot of baboons and bazookas, and they never seem to start eating. What about delivery next time, gays? I was kind of looking forward to the section called Apocalypse in 9/8, thinking that Apocalypse was an exotic dance, maybe in the vein of the calypso. But, well, if it is a dance, it is – again – a really aardvark one, and it sounds more like the end of the world! Besides, I was unable to count to nine, to me it sounded like four and a half or something. And who is Gabble Ratchet?
    When I told my dance teacher about this record, she laughed and said that the same band many years later would release an album called “We can’t dance”. That figures!
    Now I only hope that the other record I bought the same day is better. It’s called Tango Mango, and since I love tango and really like the taste of mango, I’m quite confident that this will turn out a far sweeter expedience!

Mikerinos wrote: Reviewed by: R2-D2 Beep-be-beeb-ruueerpp-beep!  BEEP beeeeep-DUUDDUUU-BEEP!!!!!

That's a very accurate review from good old R2-D2 right there. Great description of how the music sounds.