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Woulda, coulda, shoulda !

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Topic: Woulda, coulda, shoulda !
Posted By: debrewguy
Subject: Woulda, coulda, shoulda !
Date Posted: April 11 2008 at 09:10
How do you handle people who go on about their unrealized potential ?
personally , the above sums it up best.


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"Here I am talking to some of the smartest people in the world and I didn't even notice,” Lieutenant Columbo, episode The Bye-Bye Sky-High I.Q. Murder Case.



Replies:
Posted By: laplace
Date Posted: April 11 2008 at 09:14
I look at them with misty, tearful eyes and shout "Fighto, onee-chan! Ganbare~!"

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FREEDOM OF SPEECH GO TO HELL


Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: April 11 2008 at 11:34
woulda coulda shoulda???



Sounds like the result of bathtime flatulence

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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: Dan Bobrowski
Date Posted: April 11 2008 at 16:28
Sorry Joe. Sucks to be you. Now f**k off, whiner.
 
Evil%20Smile


Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: April 11 2008 at 19:09
Well, there's this chick on one my local TV news programs named Brenda Wood.  And I always have to wonder, why didn't she?  And what changed that she won't do it now?  What exactly was it that Brenda "would" do?

No doubt some people do go through life with unrealized potential, but those who dwell on such things to that extent are probably deluding themselves.


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Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened...



Posted By: darren
Date Posted: April 12 2008 at 02:06

What you have to do is minimize your contact with these people. Negativity is contageous.

I have a good friend who is very negative. I'm not even sure if he has dreams anymore. He lives the blue collar life; he wakes up, goes to a job he doesn't really enjoy, gets a paycheque and goes home. In his spare time he works on his classic car and listens to the largest vinyl collections of anyone I know. He wishes for a woman to share his life with but with his negative outlook on life, who'd want to join him? He doesn't like going anywhere, so he's not anywhere that he could meet anyone anyway. He doesn't like the town he's living in but has too much fear of other places to move. You can't help him, he doesn't see anything wrong with how he lives. He doesn't seem happy but he fears change. I've tried to help several times but I just seem to sink to his level and soon I feel down. Almost any talk of positive change is shot down with his "Life is tough but what can you do?" attitude.
 
I have another friend who is making things happen. He and his wife are an amazing team. He's a lawyer who does a lot of pro bono work. His wife owns a book cafe and business is booming. They recently hired more staff and the cafe is pretty much taking care of itself. Through their business, they support a lot of local artists and charities. She won several local business awards. The success of the cafe has allowed them to invest in a couple of chip vans. Each time my wife and I talk to them, it's so easy to get caught up in their energy. We walk away feelling like we should open a business. (Actually, we are but that's another thread)
 
Between the two, guess who I'd rather visit?


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"they locked up a man who wanted to rule the world.
the fools
they locked up the wrong man."
- Leonard Cohen


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: April 12 2008 at 10:46
Stern%20Smile I encounter this a lot in my line of work.
 
I tell people to stop choosing "victimhood", tell them that their past has led them to this crossroads, they they did what they HAD to do in the past (to have acted differently, they would have to have been someone else).
 
I trot out that optimistic, ubiquitous mantra, often seen on posters in the 60s & 70s "Today is the first day of the rest of your life," and tell them they are not in charge of their past -- only their present, and thus, their future.
 
I say "no regrets" and "onward and upward," etc. I get them to envision themselves in a brighter, more-realized personal future.
 
I try to show them that they have a functioning brain which HAS learned many things, and thus has the potential to learn much more.
 
I try to boost their self esteem, to at least see the possibility of change and improvement. I find something good in them to praise, and then do so.
 
 I try to get them to acknowledge and analyze their past, to see what they did wrong -- to take some ownership, to stop blaming others, to learn from the past, and then to live in and dwell upon the NOW, to better shape the future.
 
I try to get them to move past anger at those who may have damaged them, and to view those people as damaged themselves -- more to be pitied, than hated. (Let people be people -- flaws and all.)
 
I let them see that EVERYONE has problems, flaws and imperfect history to overcome -- that perfection and perfect family bliss only exist in bad fiction, Norman Rockwell calendars, and overly-sentimental Christmas card art.
 
I sometimes quote song lyrics, like these:
 
Believe in Yourself -- the Godfathers
 
As the sun comes up so the sun goes down
And your blue days will come around
I can understand but I can't help
The love you need comes from yourself


I thought about you yesterday
There's nothing more that I can say
Believe in yourself

Believe in yourself
Believe in yourself
Believe in yourself

You'll be no good to no-one else
Until you learn to love yourself

These so called friends that you can't trust
They'll let you down, they'll cause a fuss

I thought about you yesterday
There's nothing more that I can say
Believe in yourself


Believe in yourself
Believe in yourself
Believe in yourself
 
 

 

Here's another inspiring song lyric, which appears on a great old Ry Cooder album I recently picked up:

Always Lift Him Up
(Alfred Reed)
when a fellow has the blues and feels discouraged
And there's nothing else but trouble all his life
When he's always grumbled at and never happy
Living with a scolding, aggravating wife
If he's sick and tired of life and takes to drinking
Do not pass him by, don't greet him with a frown
Do not fail to lend a hand and try to help him
Always lift him up and never knock him down

If he stays out late at night because he's worried
And because his home is not what it should be
Have a smile for him whenever you should meet him
It would help him just the right way, don't you see
If he gambles when he's in the town or city
Tell him what he ought to do to gain the crown
Lend a hand and do not fail to show him pity
Always lift him up and never knock him down

If he cannot pay his debts and feels disgusted
If he's blue and doesn't have a word to say
Let him know you are his friend who can be trusted
It would cheer this lonely fellow on his way

If he finds it hard for him to keep his family
Let a kind word greet his ear when he's around
Dont say anything at all to make against him
Always lift him up and never knock him down

If he has no friends and everyone's against him
If he's failed at everything that he has tried
Try to lift his load, to help to bear his burden
Let him know that you are walking by his side
And if he feels that all is lost, and he is falling
Try to place that poor man's feet on solid ground
Just remember he's some mother's precious darling
Always lift him up and never knock him down

Always lift him up and never knock him down
 
Yes, it can be tiresome to be around such damaged, overly-negative people who feel they have let themselves down, but that's my job. I try not to give up on them, and above all, try to make them not give up upon themselves. Second chances. Third chances. Fourth chances. I listen. I greet cheerfully, and with respect. I use humour. I think about them, and how best to help. I try to help.Smile
 
 
Finally, I try to live by this credo, from author Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark Vonnegut, who battled depression, overcame it, and became a medical doctor, dedicated to helping others:
 
"We are here to help each other through this thing -- whatever it is."
 
That's a good enough philosophy for me! Clap

 


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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: Peter
Date Posted: April 12 2008 at 11:11
ErmmSometimes when I'm here though, I relax and cut loose. Sometimes I'm sarcastic and impatient. I can't always be in work mode (though I wish I could).
 
Still, I think about my mistakes here, apologize to those I stupidly, callously or inadvertently hurt, and TRY to improve my behaviour.
 
I try to forgive myself.
 
Though I don't always succeed, I try to be the best person, father, husband, son, brother, teacher, friend and yes, forum member, that I can be. Embarrassed
 
Each new day is a new chance! Smile


-------------
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.


Posted By: debrewguy
Date Posted: April 12 2008 at 11:38
Originally posted by Slartibartfast Slartibartfast wrote:

Well, there's this chick on one my local TV news programs named Brenda Wood.  And I always have to wonder, why didn't she?  And what changed that she won't do it now?  What exactly was it that Brenda "would" do?

No doubt some people do go through life with unrealized potential, but those who dwell on such things to that extent are probably deluding themselves.


I'll gladly plead guilty to some delusions. It makes life so much more rosey.
I have a dislike for people who tell me they're disappointed because I have/had so much potential. One friend in particular lumped 2-3 of us as a group that "let" him down with what our lives (work , academic, athletic achievements et al) turned out to be. In one of my better rants, I cut him down by saying that whatever the results were, that it was my life, and that I fully accepted the choices I had made, and had no reason to consider my present status as disappointing. That along with telling him to F off, and to find something better to do than put a value on his life by association with others' .
Heck, even my wife asks the what if questions from time to time. And my simple (and more mannerly response to her) is simply that I am happy with what I have. And that who knows if I had made other choices, whether things might have actually turned out for the worse as compared to my current life. After all, what ifs are not something that you can test to see what wwould come of them. So why worry.
I have a great wife who I regularly tell that she deserves better (I'm diagnosed with Bi-Polar spectrum or for those who aren't medically trained - moderate manic depression) , a great daughter, two lovable bozo SPCA specials (dogs), I have parents that are as supportive and loving as any you can find; my in-laws are good people, and while I don't have a million friends (or a million dollars for that matter) the 4 or 5 that I do have are worth their weight in Gold.

So whenever I reminisce, If I go I would've done this, I could have done that; I always add that in the end the only way to prove the probability of either is that I should have done it and thus found out for sure.


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"Here I am talking to some of the smartest people in the world and I didn't even notice,” Lieutenant Columbo, episode The Bye-Bye Sky-High I.Q. Murder Case.


Posted By: Padraic
Date Posted: April 12 2008 at 20:53
Originally posted by Peter Peter wrote:

Though I don't always succeed, I try to be the best person, father, husband, son, brother, teacher, friend and yes, forum member, that I can be. Embarrassed
 
This sums up my life's philosophy perfectly and succinctly.


Posted By: debrewguy
Date Posted: April 12 2008 at 21:47
I feel a bit antsy when someone uses the phrase " my life's philosophy, or my wife's philosophy for that matter.



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"Here I am talking to some of the smartest people in the world and I didn't even notice,” Lieutenant Columbo, episode The Bye-Bye Sky-High I.Q. Murder Case.


Posted By: Philéas
Date Posted: April 13 2008 at 14:27
Originally posted by Jim Garten Jim Garten wrote:

woulda coulda shoulda???



Sounds like the result of bathtime flatulence


I really laughed at that


Posted By: stonebeard
Date Posted: April 13 2008 at 14:29
Usually give them a hug and stab them simultaneously.

Very Brutus. Thumbs%20Up


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http://soundcloud.com/drewagler" rel="nofollow - My soundcloud. Please give feedback if you want!


Posted By: The Pessimist
Date Posted: April 13 2008 at 14:34
Normally I just tell them "Well f**king do it then!". Depends how angry I'm feeling Angry

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"Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value."

Arnold Schoenberg


Posted By: Philéas
Date Posted: April 13 2008 at 14:35
I quietly listen and then get mildly depressed thinking of my own unrealised potential.


Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: April 14 2008 at 03:29
Originally posted by Peter Peter wrote:

I tell people to stop choosing "victimhood", tell them that their past has led them to this crossroads, they they did what they HAD to do in the past (to have acted differently, they would have to have been someone else)....

...and tell them they are not in charge of their past -- only their present, and thus, their future.




Like it, Peter - I mean I really like it!

Having suffered from lack of self esteem & clinical depression in the past, I can see exactly where you are coming from here. Thank heavens for a good wife, good friends & the wonders of meditation

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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: debrewguy
Date Posted: April 14 2008 at 13:21
Originally posted by Jim Garten Jim Garten wrote:

Originally posted by Peter Peter wrote:

I tell people to stop choosing "victimhood", tell them that their past has led them to this crossroads, they they did what they HAD to do in the past (to have acted differently, they would have to have been someone else)....

...and tell them they are not in charge of their past -- only their present, and thus, their future.




Like it, Peter - I mean I really like it!

Having suffered from lack of self esteem & clinical depression in the past, I can see exactly where you are coming from here. Thank heavens for a good wife, good friends & the wonders of meditation


The wonders of meditation or medication. My experience with medication has been & is middling at best. They work, or at least I feel better that would if I were off them.
I have been considering meditation, though. Was this something you took up during or after your episode ?



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"Here I am talking to some of the smartest people in the world and I didn't even notice,” Lieutenant Columbo, episode The Bye-Bye Sky-High I.Q. Murder Case.


Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: April 15 2008 at 03:50
Originally posted by debrewguy debrewguy wrote:

The wonders of meditation or medication. My experience with medication has been & is middling at best. They work, or at least I feel better that would if I were off them.I have been considering meditation, though. Was this something you took up during or after your episode ?


Medication works to an extent, but if you are prone to such an insidious disorder, you can end up on them for years (7 1/2 years in my case).

I did not want to be SSRI reliant for the rest of my life, and took a concious decision (after fully consulting my with my doctor) to try alternative means, so took up meditation about 18 months ago (with the help of very experienced friends); now I'm not saying it's the reason for it, but so far, I've been 7 months drug free...

...and feel great!

I'm not saying 'this is it, I'm free' - what I am saying is that I 100% believe meditation has helped me enormously; all I can recommend is find a local group (or better still, if you have experienced friends) and try it.

It's a journey worth taking & worth the effort.

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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012


Posted By: Blacksword
Date Posted: April 15 2008 at 08:07
I would echo Jims words about medication. I've not tried medITation.

I've taken all manner of anti depressants over the years, and they're barely a sticking plaster.

Bacially, I know what the root causes of my problems, failings and inadequacies are. If I choose not to address those issues then I've no one to blame but myself for being what I am. At 39, I am probably over half way through my life now, and I made an unconcious decison some time ago, to be independent, to never marry and to never be a father. That was a bad decision, which I now deeply regret. Anyone here who is young and thinking along those lines, take my advice and fight the inclination to be independant with every fibre of your being. Human beings are not meant to be alone.



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