Print Page | Close Window

Meanest Reviewer

Printed From: Progarchives.com
Category: Topics not related to music
Forum Name: Just for Fun
Forum Description: Participate in trivia and knowledge games, share jokes, etc.
URL: http://www.progarchives.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=43290
Printed Date: March 09 2025 at 09:05
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.01 - http://www.webwizforums.com


Topic: Meanest Reviewer
Posted By: The Whistler
Subject: Meanest Reviewer
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 04:45
Just wondering who you consider to be the meanest reviewer on this site. Allow me to all-aborate. I consider myself to be a fairly mean reviewer. Case in point, my beloved Carmen. Considering how much press they get on the 'chives at large (that is, lack thereof), I think of myself as one of their greatest supporters.
 
And yet, their best album gets a solid four stars, and subsequent albums fall with a star half-star rating. Even though I love Carmen, I have to admit that they only had (technically) one album in 'em, and it was not a masterpiece. Even bands that I adore...especially bands that I adore...I have to treat harshly. Cruel to be kind. All that rot.
 
Which is why Passion Play gets a lower rating than (a theoretical) Close to the Edge review. I'm meaner to Tull because I expect more from them. Tull should be able to do more than a sprawling messy jam...and, of course, were Yes to put out something as humorous and varietous as Play, I'd adore it. Heh.
 
Oh, and, of course, my vast amount of five star reviews...
 
So who gives out strict reviews? Who else is cruel to be kind?


-------------
"There seem to be quite a large percentage of young American boys out there tonight. A long way from home, eh? Well so are we... Gotta stick together." -I. Anderson



Replies:
Posted By: Easy Money
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 11:01
Read the reviews for Love Beach, there is some funny stuff in there, especially the one about jamming lit ciggerettes in your eyes.
Since I already offended lots of people over isuues as diverse as Styxx, Hendrix and music theory I am trying to be a nice guy these days .
But the kid gloves will have to come off when I review that ELO album that dares to call itself a "symphony"
As far as being hard on bands I like, I really need to do a negative 5 star review on Who Do We Think We Are.


Posted By: andu
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 15:02
Definitely Certif1ed Evil%20Smile

-------------
"PA's own GI Joe!"



Posted By: Chris H
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 15:12
I've been told I write some harsh reviews...but I really don't see 'em. Just blatantly honest.
 
Agree with Certif1ed thoughLOL


-------------
Beauty will save the world.


Posted By: micky
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 16:57
I see Mark being the runaway winner in this... 

let's just close the voting booths and put on an Opeth album in his honour. 

Let me be the first to congratulate him on this special achievement. 

Here Mark... have some clappies....

ClapClap


-------------
The Pedro and Micky Experience - When one no longer requires psychotropics to trip


Posted By: Tony R
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 17:23
I really enjoy Cert's reviews, many are a true labour of love/hate.
However his review of Lightbulb Sun is the only one I believe to be a hatchet job. I understand how he came to review the album, I just wish he'd pressed delete before posting it. One blip on a distinguished list of review tour-de-forces isnt too bad though.



Posted By: micky
Date Posted: November 07 2007 at 17:28
hell yeah Tony... I love his reviews to death...  in addition to the 'meanest' LOL he deserves a nod amoung the best.  There have been sevearal albums that he has reviewed, of albums I hadn't heard, that I immediately bough based simply on his review alone.. and I loved them. 

checking out the L.S. review... hadn't read that one before


-------------
The Pedro and Micky Experience - When one no longer requires psychotropics to trip


Posted By: Shakespeare
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 08:35
My reviews for ../artist.asp?id=3080 - LOSS OF A CHILD are extremely mean.

They're a young, new, band, I should have cut them some slack. I couldn't help it.



Posted By: andu
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 08:43
How about Bob's reviews on Triumph? Star

-------------
"PA's own GI Joe!"



Posted By: andu
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 08:55
Evil%20Smile


TRIUMPH — Thunder Seven

Review by ../Collaborators.asp?id=4080 - ClemofNazareth (Bob Moore)
SPECIAL COLLABORATOR Prog Folk Researcher

1%20stars I was stuck at a stoplight today and had the car window down trying to enjoy a gorgeous afternoon. The guy in the car next to me also had his window down, and was lip-synching away to his CD player, out of which was blaring “Spellbound”. Took me back all the way to my college days when this album came out and I had to listen to several of these songs on the only half-decent radio station in our town at the time. I realized that I hadn’t played it in over twenty years, and considering the totally crappy day I had today and fighting the desire to throw myself in front of a train, I decided to throw on my very old copy of Thunder Seven instead. After that I find myself thinking that there are still a couple of trains that run yet tonight.

“Spellbound” always struck me as rock-in-a-can, even back in the 80s. Rik Emmett has by far the most annoying metal voice I’ve ever heard, and he seems to have no real ability to stay in tune for more than a couple of notes in a row. Also, I get the impression these guys are mouthing the timing of the tempo to each other in studio when they record, or at least that’s the way this plodding song sounds.

“Rock Out, Roll On” – well, ‘nuff said.

On “Follow Your Heart” Emmett's voice is actually sort of okay for the most part, probably because he shares the vocals with drummer Gil Moore who makes Emmett sound good. The sentiment of the lyrics is pretty typical Triumph stuff – chip on the shoulder, go kick ass in the world and don’t let 'the man' deny you your dreams. Yeah team – go, fight, win! The random high-hat cymbals just seem gratuitous, and the bass has no synchronization with the rest of the song at all.

I guess “Time Goes By” is supposed to be the sort-of ballad, with strangled-cat harmonized vocals and occasional mellow passages, but the overall theme seems to be ‘I’m getting old and I need a chick’ or something to that effect. Nice little guitar solo in the middle though – props to Emmett for that.

“Midsummer’s Daydream” is a brief respite from the onslaught, where Emmett treats us to a short acoustic instrumental that I felt like copying a dozen times or so and using to overwrite the rest of the cassette. “Time Canon” is some sort of barbershop quartet lame knockoff of Spock’s Beard’s “June” I guess, but it’s so out of place and abrupt it actually creeped me out the first couple times I heard it.

“Stranger in a Strange Land” starts off as a pretty decent blues rocker, but for some inexplicable reason someone turns on Emmett’s mike and it pretty much goes downhill from there. There’s a part in the middle of this where he tries to hold a sustained screech of a vocal and my cats actually drag themselves off the floor and leave the room. Both of them!

“Little Boy Blues” is a pretty decent soft bluesy instrumental to close the album. Like “Midsummer’s Daydream”, if the boys would have just extended this to the length of the whole album then the thing would have been a much better offering, perhaps even listenable.

As it is, I know that many fans of this band believe this to be their best studio work. I agree. One star.


LOL



-------------
"PA's own GI Joe!"



Posted By: Bj-1
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 09:07
Hugues' one star reviews amuses me all the timeLOL

-------------
RIO/AVANT/ZEUHL - The best thing you can get with yer pants on!


Posted By: Certif1ed
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 09:24
Originally posted by Tony R Tony R wrote:

I really enjoy Cert's reviews, many are a true labour of love/hate.
However his review of Lightbulb Sun is the only one I believe to be a hatchet job. I understand how he came to review the album, I just wish he'd pressed delete before posting it. One blip on a distinguished list of review tour-de-forces isnt too bad though.

 
I said I thought that LS was a nice album - how's that being mean? Confused
 
 
 
I get it... I haven't reviewed anything for ages and this is the wake-up call Embarrassed
 
 
 
 
Thanks for the kind words, guys! Thumbs%20Up


-------------
The important thing is not to stop questioning.


Posted By: jimmy_row
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 11:01
I've noticed a fellow named Phillippe who reviews occasionally...seems to have some very eccentric tastes, but when he reviews a more "mainstream" album, look out!

-------------
Signature Writers Guild on strike


Posted By: andu
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 18:21
^ No comment...

-------------
"PA's own GI Joe!"



Posted By: jimmy_row
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 19:13
uh oh....did I open a can of worms?LOLNukeOuch *runs away to find a new pair of pants*

-------------
Signature Writers Guild on strike


Posted By: Chris H
Date Posted: November 08 2007 at 19:38
Pants?

-------------
Beauty will save the world.


Posted By: andu
Date Posted: November 09 2007 at 03:07
^ Hey mean, you're pretty mean yourself, did you know that? I mean, giving ***** to Zepp's CODA is actually mean... Wink

-------------
"PA's own GI Joe!"



Posted By: Raff
Date Posted: November 09 2007 at 03:40
Originally posted by andu andu wrote:

^ No comment...


As my darling other half would say, hahahahahhahahaWinkTongueLOL...


Posted By: Ricochet
Date Posted: November 09 2007 at 03:40
Very nice examples. Clap

I personally have a grunge against Certified's GYBE 1 star review. AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryLOLWink  The rest of the "bashers" is fine. Big%20smile

Well, regarding myself, you know me, I try to be nice, overly objective and to find music even in the lousiest form of...music. But I think I, occasionally, laid out some heavy words about some nightmarish albums. I remember Phaedra 2005, Oldfield's Light + Shade, Wakeman's Time Machine or 2000AD In The Future, Baumann's Repeat Repeat being moments where I could save anything from the music, upon reviewing. Wink


-------------


Posted By: clarke2001
Date Posted: November 09 2007 at 05:59
I just love this onePinch:

eview by http://www.progarchives.com/Collaborators.asp?id=343 - Seyo (Sead S. Fetahagic)
[Special Collaborator ]
Posted 6:37:43 AM EST, 2/11/2007

1%20stars OK, let's be serious!

Listening to "Timeless Passages" (which I would rather call “Endless Boredom”) is a very painful 155 minutes long experience. It is supposed to be a more or less comprehensive anthology of ELOY's career, from 1976 "Dawn" to 1998 "Ocean 2". But if these are "the best" moments of their music, I am surely not going to spend a cent on buying any of studio albums.

There are serious flaws in ELOY music and for me only two are enough. The first, a terrible vocal, which sounds so ridiculous that is impossible to take these guys seriously when singing about Logos, Mental Force, Sphinx, Poseidon, Odyssey, Dawn, Tide and other "higher" topics taken from the obligatory catalogue of "space rock". The guy, whom I never bothered to remember his name, is an awful singer and his English is bad. At moments it is plain funny to hear his singing.

The second, the whole musical concept of these guys is firmly stuck in the mid-1970s PINK FLOYD, TANGERINE DREAM and late 1970s ALAN PARSONS PROJECT. OK, the tutors are musical giants and many artists draw inspiration from them in quite original way, but the pupils in this case are F-mark students. It can be fine to try to emulate or cover, or cite the influences but when you do that in such a bad way, with so little originality and even without some essential composing skills, then we have a problem.

And still, there is the third one; prog-rock haters would certainly cherish the bands like ELOY - everything the people don't like in progressive rock is present here in a condensed form: dubious SF "concepts"; overblown lyrics; sterile and "metallic" production; excessive use of monotonous synth keyboards; aimless guitar solos and dull and bloodless rhythm section; long tracks without any purpose. It is rather ironic that one of the best songs on this compilation is pop-hit "Rainbow" from 1988. Even though performed in a creamy style of 1980s ALAN PARSONS’s tear-invoking sleazy ballads, it is at least a concise and developed pop song.

If you like space-rock, there is plenty of more innovative, courageous, artistically relevant and more listenable bands. If you like German rock, forget about ELOY and start discovering any of real progressive and experimental Kraut-rock ensembles. Don’t waste time and money on this.

On a less critical note, ELOY may exactly be a perfect start for teenage kids to develop a sensation and understand the elements of “ambitious” rock music, whatever that means. In that context, ELOY can be a part of 8th grader collection, together with QUEEN and IRON MAIDEN for instance (I am referring to the time of early 1980s and its music scene).

For collectors (are there any?) there is only one track, previously unreleased 1994 live version of “Poseidon’s Creation”, worth mentioning. For all others, do yourself a favour and stay away from ELOY!


Posted By: Leningrad
Date Posted: November 10 2007 at 13:30
Originally posted by ClemofNazareth ClemofNazareth wrote:

As it is, I know that many fans of this band believe this to be their best studio work. I agree. One star.
 
Nothing will ever top this. Ever.


Posted By: Asphalt
Date Posted: November 11 2007 at 15:37

^^^ LOL LOL LOL LOL  oh man, that is hilarious. What album was that review for?



Posted By: 1800iareyay
Date Posted: November 11 2007 at 21:18
Originally posted by Easy Money Easy Money wrote:

Read the reviews for Love Beach, there is some funny stuff in there, especially the one about jamming lit ciggerettes in your eyes.

Hey, that one's mine! I'm rather proud of that one. It was one of the first I wrote and I got about 5 PMs from people who loved it. My one star reviews tend to be vicious because I take it personally when I invest time and money into something that should have been burned, then thrown into a pit.


Posted By: micky
Date Posted: November 11 2007 at 21:22
Originally posted by andu andu wrote:

Evil%20Smile


TRIUMPH — Thunder Seven

Review by ../Collaborators.asp?id=4080 - ClemofNazareth (Bob Moore)
SPECIAL COLLABORATOR Prog Folk Researcher

1%20stars I was stuck at a stoplight today and had the car window down trying to enjoy a gorgeous afternoon. The guy in the car next to me also had his window down, and was lip-synching away to his CD player, out of which was blaring “Spellbound”. Took me back all the way to my college days when this album came out and I had to listen to several of these songs on the only half-decent radio station in our town at the time. I realized that I hadn’t played it in over twenty years, and considering the totally crappy day I had today and fighting the desire to throw myself in front of a train, I decided to throw on my very old copy of Thunder Seven instead. After that I find myself thinking that there are still a couple of trains that run yet tonight.

“Spellbound” always struck me as rock-in-a-can, even back in the 80s. Rik Emmett has by far the most annoying metal voice I’ve ever heard, and he seems to have no real ability to stay in tune for more than a couple of notes in a row. Also, I get the impression these guys are mouthing the timing of the tempo to each other in studio when they record, or at least that’s the way this plodding song sounds.

“Rock Out, Roll On” – well, ‘nuff said.

On “Follow Your Heart” Emmett's voice is actually sort of okay for the most part, probably because he shares the vocals with drummer Gil Moore who makes Emmett sound good. The sentiment of the lyrics is pretty typical Triumph stuff – chip on the shoulder, go kick ass in the world and don’t let 'the man' deny you your dreams. Yeah team – go, fight, win! The random high-hat cymbals just seem gratuitous, and the bass has no synchronization with the rest of the song at all.

I guess “Time Goes By” is supposed to be the sort-of ballad, with strangled-cat harmonized vocals and occasional mellow passages, but the overall theme seems to be ‘I’m getting old and I need a chick’ or something to that effect. Nice little guitar solo in the middle though – props to Emmett for that.

“Midsummer’s Daydream” is a brief respite from the onslaught, where Emmett treats us to a short acoustic instrumental that I felt like copying a dozen times or so and using to overwrite the rest of the cassette. “Time Canon” is some sort of barbershop quartet lame knockoff of Spock’s Beard’s “June” I guess, but it’s so out of place and abrupt it actually creeped me out the first couple times I heard it.

“Stranger in a Strange Land” starts off as a pretty decent blues rocker, but for some inexplicable reason someone turns on Emmett’s mike and it pretty much goes downhill from there. There’s a part in the middle of this where he tries to hold a sustained screech of a vocal and my cats actually drag themselves off the floor and leave the room. Both of them!

“Little Boy Blues” is a pretty decent soft bluesy instrumental to close the album. Like “Midsummer’s Daydream”, if the boys would have just extended this to the length of the whole album then the thing would have been a much better offering, perhaps even listenable.

As it is, I know that many fans of this band believe this to be their best studio work. I agree. One star.


LOL



hahhahah.. classic! Clap


-------------
The Pedro and Micky Experience - When one no longer requires psychotropics to trip


Posted By: ProgBagel
Date Posted: November 20 2007 at 15:44
I would get my hands chopped off if I decided to post in this.


Posted By: Shakespeare
Date Posted: December 08 2007 at 13:54
You just did.

Gimme those hands.


Posted By: Zitro
Date Posted: December 08 2007 at 15:55
I'm not really mean, but there are a couple of moments where I was:

The intro to a concept album about getting high:
Quote 1%20stars What a trip! U gotta be really "high" to release a piece of crap like this one.


Recommendation finale in a wakeman album
Quote If you want something to play with your dog, get a frisby: it's cheaper.


Some criticism on vocals (Light of Day, Day of Darkness)
Quote she screams her lungs off in a very disturbing way, making it sound like if a guy had a "zipper" accident in his crotch.


ClemofNazareth's last sentence is hilarious.


Posted By: laplace
Date Posted: December 10 2007 at 13:52
Hmm. no-one mentions Lappy.
 
Looks like I need to redouble my efforts. ;P


-------------
FREEDOM OF SPEECH GO TO HELL


Posted By: magnus
Date Posted: December 10 2007 at 14:59
Cert's reviews are very critical, and I really enjoy reading them. I was really proud on Opeth's behalf(since I'm a great fan of theirs) when they managed to squeeze 3 stars out of Certif1ed with Ghost Reveries, and I guess that kinda says it...

keep those reviews coming, Certif1ed!

-------------
The scattered jigsaw of my redemption laid out before my eyes
Each piece as amorphous as the other - Each piece in its lack of shape a lie


Posted By: Eetu Pellonpaa
Date Posted: December 14 2007 at 14:03
Well, I can't say who's "the meanest reviewer", but from the bashings I liked this one starer of TANGERINE DREAM's "Zeit" (I gave the album 5 stars):
 
What a shame! The music consists in 2-3 humming refrigerators at the same time, plus a portative fan that turns back and forth to make the anyway inexistent rhythm, and finally a coming cluster of threatening killer bees!

There are tons of albums better than this one to describe the desolation once you go alone on Mars! The album is even not minimalist!

Rating: 0.5 star
 
LOL Clap I thought the album was a celestial cosmic experience but I might got it wrong... Tongue



Print Page | Close Window

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.01 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Copyright ©2001-2014 Web Wiz Ltd. - http://www.webwiz.co.uk