I love this one. A buddy just sent it to me and I have to share it.

Here goes.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey you! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"  The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

 HA!

Cute!

 HA!HA!HA!

Nice one Dan!

I apologise in advance for this one:

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

gdub411 wrote: Good one Dan. When I first heard that joke Reed Lover..I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur....talkin' about old joke....eh?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Reed Lover wrote: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.

Never heard it... but DUMB

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Sushi, anyone?

A Christmas one doing the rounds:

Three guys die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says "as it's Christmas, you must each produce something with a link to Christmas, before you can come in."

The first guy puts his hands in his pockets, pulls out a lighter and lights it. "What's that?" says St Peter. "It's a Christmas candle" says the guy. "OK says St Peter (the patron saint of of Rideout) "you can come in".

The second guy takes out his keys and rattles them. "What's that?" says St Peter. "They're bells" says the guy. "OK you can come in" says St Pete.

The third guy puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a pair of knickers. "What's that? " says St. Peter.  

"They're Carol's" says the guy!

This just in:

A survey was conducted of 100 sex change operation subjects who made the switch for male to female. Each was asked "What was the most painful part of the operation?"

A whopping 100% replied, "Having 80% of the brain sucked out."  

Scientists recently discovered the worlds first homosexual Blue Whale.

Reports claimed the Gay Whale bit the tip off a submarine and sucked out all the seamen. Film at 11:00.

Pay per view: $39.98. Channel 569.

Why did the condom fly across the road?

-It was pissed off!!

Not only monkeys and lizards get stoned:

Here's one for Shocktactix

Photo taken at Progfest 2004:

Now that's one for the "Write a caption for this photo" thread.

"Mick Jagger is acosted by an autograph hound on his was to the stage."

"Whazzup!"

Or

Which one is Gene Simmon's cat?

Mariah Carey : Darn I´ll sue that Plastic Surgeon !!!!!!!!!

Mariah Carey was seen leaving the tent of a mysterious Velvet Clown shortly after her mothers day concert.

My friends brother does drugs!

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman!

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They left the plunger in the toilet.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came in and informed the dad that his son had been born without torso, arms or legs – the son was nothing more than a head. The dad grew to love his son, and he raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out from under the boy’s head!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into whoops of joy.

The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, “Take another drink!”
The bartender still shook his head in dismay… Then - Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, “Take another drink!”. The bartender ignored the whole affair.
By that time, the boy was getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out!
The bar was in chaos. The father thanked God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left… then to the right… and through the front door and onto the street, where a car ran into him and killed him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned in grief. The bartender cleaned his glasses and whistled an old Irish tune. The father looked at the bartender in disbelief and asked, “How can you be so cold and callous?”
The bartender said, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Fitzcarraldo wrote: Here's one for Shocktactix Photo taken at Progfest 2004:

Hey, you leave my mum out of this!!!

A concerned man walks into a church and confronts the parish priest. "Father, the bell does not ring, what's wrong?" The priest explained that the electronic clapper was broken, therefore, no ring. The man told the priest that he could help if he could look at the device.

The priest walked the man up flight upon flight of stairs to the bell tower. The priest opens the belfry door and the man begins to walk inside, trips over the threshold and slams face first into the giant bell. The bell rings loudly as it swings back and then forward slamming the man again in the face. The man reels backwards, off balance and stumbling over the rail, falls 50 feet and splats onto the concrete below.

The priest runs down the flights of stairs on unto the street where a crowd has begun to gather around the fallen man's body. The horrified parishioners gasp and look to the priest for guidance. "Who was the man?" one person asked.

 "I don't know," replied the priest, "but his face sure rings a bell." 

Sorry ladies!

OK. This is probably the cleanest joke I know,.

 An old lady walks into her doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. I have bags under my eyes where there never were any and I have moles on my face that weren't there before. What's wrong?"

 The doctor examines the lady and sits her down. "Have you had any plastic surgery lately?" he enquires.

 "As a matter of fact I have," she answers.

 "That explains it. those are not bags under your eyes, those are your boobs. And the moles are your nipples."

 "Ohhhhhhhhh," replies the old lady. "That explains the beard."