Homer -  "Homer no function beer well without"

This may not be very precise, but here's how I remember it:

Homer at an AA meeting: "My name is Homer Simpson and I'm here because the police forced me to."

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

The scene where Homer is found hiding in the toilet at the nuclear plant he works in, and dragged away screaming, only for us to find out that he's to join his workmates in the morning fitness session. 

<--"Man getting hit by football"

and...

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Moe: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, Moe Syzlac, or as the ladies call me, 'hey you in de bushes dere!'"

Moe cracks me up!

From Don't Fear The Roofer:
Moe: Who wants ass frosting?
Steven Hawking: No thanks, I'm on Atkins.

"Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband, I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry - well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point." (Marge on the Lam).

Homer: "When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!" (There's no Disgrace Like Home).

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist.  He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Homer: So I realized that being with my family is more important
than being cool.
Bart: Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
Homer: You know what the song says: "It's hip to be square."
Lisa: That song is so lame.
Homer: So lame that it's... cool?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Am I cool, kids?
Bart and Lisa: No.
Marge: Good. I'm glad. And that's what makes me cool—not caring, right?
Bart and Lisa: No.

Homer: Okay, once more.  Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tanzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted
       ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: Why is Grandpa here?
  Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
Homer: Huh, fair enough.

Homer getting angry with Lisa:

"You know nothing know it all"

I love the one-liners that nearly pass you by

From How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

Homer: I even took some pills I found on the floor but still nothing! Now I'm afraid that if I stop talking I'll die! Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star, aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me or Jesus over there!!

Snake: "Wallet inspector."
Geek: "Oh here you go, I'm sure everything's in order."

I don't remember the lines correctly, but here we go;

Bart (calling Moe in the bar): hello, I'm looking for a, first name, Hugh, last name, Jazz?

Moe: Hey! I'm looking for a hugh Jazz! Hugh Jazz! Do we have a Hugh Jazz in here?

Hugh Jazz: My name is hugh jazz! (answers phone) Hello?

Bart: Uh, sorry, but this was suppossed to be a prank call that sort of backfired on me...

Hugh Jazz: oh, no problem. (hangs up) such a nice boy...

It's not as funny unless you say the name Hugh Jazz out loud. It's suppossed to sound like huge a**.

Lenny: You want another card or not?
Homer: Huh?  Oh, OK.  I'll take three.  [Moe deals them] D'oh!  D'oh!
       D'oh!  I mean...woo hoo.
  Moe: I'm in.  [tosses a chip into the pot] Let's see your cards.
Homer: Oh, I was bluffing.  [shows them]
  Moe: Ha ha.  Come to papa -- wait a minute!  You have a straight
       flush, Homer!  You do this every time, you -- oh, you -- oh!
       Gah!  I'm choking on my own rage here.
 Carl: Hey, don't yell at Homer.  Just 'cause he's a little slow...
Homer: [gasps] [thinks] Something was said...not good.  What was it?
       "Don't yell at Homer!"  No, that's OK.  What was it?  ...Slow!
       They called you slow!
        [stands up, yells] How dare you call me that!  I -- huh?
        [Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing night cap]
Lenny: [opens fridge] Hey, Homer, you still here?  Boy, you _are_ slow.
Homer: [thinks] Something said...not good.
Lenny: Get the hell out of here!

Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things!

Homer: N- yes! But don't you say that word!
Grampa: What- se-e-e-e-ex? I had s-e-e-e-e-x.
Homer: <shudders>

Homer: I've got a hankerin' for some spankerin'!