http://www.chthonicionic.net/bile/default.asp - http://www.chthonicionic.net/bile/default.asp

Has anyone seen this before?

It's pretty funny; just type in your favourite album/band/song/singer and a randomized response will be made to insult your music. The funny thing is it gathers information from your artist/album from Amazon.com to make it look like it knows what its talking about. Unfortunately, it tends to repeat itself a bit.

Here's some samples for some well known prog bands...

Yes, Fragile: Track 2, Cans And Brahms went down well with my neighbour's dogs. They howled for hours, handily drowning out most of the track, and prompting me to start searching for a dog of my own. Track 6, Long Distance Runaround is like a cheap keyboard being played by a God-fearing christian fund raiser outside Tesco's, and I'm being generous there. Once music was a simple thing. People played a jolly tune into a recording device, people played it and danced about a bit. Now we need professional psychiatric care for an audience assaulted by the likes of track 7, the 'Schindleria Praematurus' of The Fish on a regular basis.

King Crimson, In the Court of the Crimson King: I've heard better things than the opening track, the 'Including Mirrors' of 21st Century Schizoid Man at my son's playschool end of term concert in which every small child has been given something to make a noise with regardless of talent, motivation or the ability to count to four without drooling.

Genesis, The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway: On second listening the opening track, The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway starts sounding a little better, a bit more muffled and a little less like aural herpes. Or is that because I've strapped a twelve tog duvet around my head to block out the evil nastiness? You decide. The lyrics of track six, The Grand Parade Of Lifeless Packaging would make better sense written on a urinal wall - at least you could piss on them. Back In N.Y.C. isn't that bad. Ha ha. Got you. It's just a tiny bit worse than, say, the sound of a christmas novelty sing-along hit in Estonia.

Gentle Giant, The Power and the Glory: What possesses people to make music that sounds like So Sincere? The bastard lovechild of Joe Dolce and Mariah Carey? I'm not offering further opinion because I'm not listening to it again. Ever. Luckily a glitch on the CD caused Playing The Game to skip and refuse to play. Well, at least I hope that is what was happening - for all I know that was what Gentle Giant intended it to sound like. Track 5, Cogs In Cogs really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends.

Lets see if anyone can get any really funny ones.

Kate Bush's Hounds of Love, an object lesson in filth...

Track three, The Big Sky is so so. So, so, so f**king awful, that is. Mother Stands For Comfort reminds me of a troupe of clowns honking away in their clown car going around and around the circus ring with no hope of ever stopping. I wish it wouldn't. Just because the whole album stinks doesn't mean you can get away with offerings like track 5, Cloudbusting - I'm still reeling from the onslaught of what sounds like a pre-teen dry heaving into their parent's hedge after discovering the joys of alcohol for the first time. 

The chorus of And Dream Of Sheep will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like a christmas novelty sing-along hit in Estonia. Kate Bush sound like my mother's aborted attempts at sex with a cat throughout the apocalyptic mess that is The Morning Fog. Kate Bush will strike fear into your heart with possibly the worst song on a bad album, the appalling the '12"" Mix' of "Running Up That Hill . It sounds like the stuff that the BBC Radiophonic Workshop rejected. 

In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.

Re: Peter Gabriel ~

What do I think about Peter Gabriel's Peter Gabriel 1: Car? I don't think you are going to like this...

  Why I bothered with the rest of Moribund The Burgermeister after listening to the first three seconds of my father trying to fart through a tuba I don't know. Modern Love is so so. So, so, so f**king awful, that is. Too much Humdrum is bad for your health. I recommend taking up injecting heroin into your eyeballs instead. It tickles a bit, but the rush is awesome.

  The sound of what rancid butter smells like that track six, Slowburn so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it. On second listening Waiting For The Big One starts sounding a little better, a bit more muffled and a little less like the agonised screams that waft over the road from a Zimbabwe Police station 'interview'. Or is that because I've strapped a twelve tog duvet around my head to block out the evil nastiness? You decide.

  In fact, I despise every second of Peter Gabriel's creation.

LMAO!!!!

Seems dead-on to me:

What do I think about Mariah Carey by Mariah Carey? I'll tell you what I think...

  Vision Of Love could be mistaken for the little ticking noise that maggots make as they feed if you don't listen very carefully, and, believe me, you don't want to. Track four, Someday really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends. Like the sickening crunch of fist into nose experienced nightly outside most nightclubs, track 5, Vanishing is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick f**ks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois.

  Track seven, Alone In Love sounds like my own personal hell from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. For f**k's sake, who decided that something not too dissimilar to an exploding zit gently squirting sebum into your brain should grace the world's musical heritage? Plonk Prisoner on your CD player and tell me Mariah Carey should be allowed to live. Go on. I dare you.

  In fact, there's no excuse for people buying this and taking it into their homes to tortute their innocent children.

What do I think about American Idiot by Green Day? I don't think you are going to like this...

 The sound of the last gasp of a boiling lobster that the opening track, American Idiot so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it. Like the theme to Friends, track two, Jesus of Suburbia fails to engage me at all. It left me cold, shaking and gently drooling on the floor. Thank god the office cleaner found me in time. Three people died whilst Tales Of Another Broken Home was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a retarded cow defacating through a sieve into my ears.

  Are We Waiting sounds like a christmas novelty sing-along hit in Estonia. St. Jimmy is like nails being slowly drawn down a blackboard by the Marquis De Sade, and I'm being generous there. The sound of a dawn chorus of cats slowly being ground into mince for the cheap meat market is nothing compared to the dire Extraordinary Girl.

  In fact, I wish Green Day had never been born.

I agree 100%

What do I think about Marillion's Script for a Jester's Tear? I don't think you are going to like this...

You've probably guessed that I don't like Marillion very much. It's due to being assaulted by things like the crap usually hosted on geocities by colour blind web idiots, or track 5, Chelsea Monday as it is known on the back of CD. How many times does Marillion need to tell us all about their miserable f**king life? Forgotten Sons just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there.

This one didn't quite work so well ...

"You like Jethro Tull? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Thick As a Brick...

  The sound of my mother trying to fart through a tuba that track 3, the 'Live At Madison Square Garden 1978' of Thick As A Brick so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it. Interview With Ian Anderson, Martin Barre & Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond sounds just like the sickening crunch you'd hear just after the guillotine blade has fallen and just before your head does the same and I can't believe it was supposed to. Call it an unfortunate accident or something.

  In fact, I wish Jethro Tull had never been born.

What do I think about A Change of Seasons by Dream Theater? I'll tell you what I think...

Funeral For A Friend / Love Lies Bleeding reminds me of a panda fellating an elephant. I wish it wouldn't. What possesses people to make music that sounds like track five, The Big Medley? The bastard lovechild of Joe Dolce and Mariah Carey? I'm not offering further opinion because I'm not listening to it again. Ever. 

In fact, I'm scared Dream Theater will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.

If you still like this crap, http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000002HK4/chthonicionic-20?dev-t=DMWY2DE69P25M%26camp=2025%26link_code=xm2 - go buy it on amazon or something .

What do I think about Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd? I'll tell you what I think...

  The opening track, Speak To Me/Breathe is about as hip as my sister's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you. Money isn't that bad. Ha ha. Got you. It's just a tiny bit worse than, say, the sound of the sort of thing you'd play to a blind man to make them appreciate the lot of a deaf and blind man. Any Colour You Like is like the little pop and splash that comes before the scream after accidentally lodging a knitting needle in your eye, and I'm being generous there.

  Track eight, Brain Damage? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like Monica Seles' serve grunts looped repeatedly over three hamsters attempting to play the drums.

  In fact, I'm scared Pink Floyd will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.

If you still like this crap, http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000021XS0/chthonicionic-20?dev-t=DMWY2DE69P25M%26camp=2025%26link_code=xm2 - go buy it on amazon or something .

 Great!!!!

Sound totally stoopid but still quite fun

Deep Purple? Oh my God. I thought Deep Purple's fans died out years ago. I remember Machine Head as being particularly awful...

  The opening track, Highway Star sounds like 'Grandma we love you'. Only my dentist's favourite drill bits being plunged into the living tooth-pulp over and over again while he hums bad gangster rap gently to himself could compare to Pictures Of Home. Ten people died whilst Never Before was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a crow fellating an elephant.

  Smoke On The Water made my cat sick. Twice. I think I'm going to sue. The sound of something my cat brought in, but couldn't be bothered to kill that track six, Lazy so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it. Too much track thirteen, Pictures Of Home is bad for your health. I recommend taking up injecting heroin into your eyeballs instead. It tickles a bit, but the rush is awesome.

  In fact, I'm scared Deep Purple will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.

LMAO

What do I think about Entropia by Pain of Salvation? I don't think you are going to like this...

  The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of track 2, Welcome to Entropia. It's things like track 4, People Passing By that makes people want to kill each other. Twelve people died whilst Revival was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a road accident victim's squeal of anguish as he discovers he has only half a face.

  Track eight, Void of Her reminds me of a Kerrang! cover CD that actually caused a drop in sales. I wish it wouldn't. What possesses people to make music that sounds like To The End? The bastard lovechild of Joe Dolce and Mariah Carey? I'm not offering further opinion because I'm not listening to it again. Ever. The sound of a cheap keyboard being played by a God-fearing christian fund raiser outside Tesco's that the 'Epilogue' of Leaving Entropia so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it.

  In fact, I wish Pain of Salvation had never been born.

Ths was even better

What do I think about Legacy by Shadow Gallery? I don't think you are going to like this...

  For f**k's sake, who decided that something not too dissimilar to my own personal hell should grace the world's musical heritage? Plonk Cliffhanger 2: A) Hang On/B) The Crusher on your CD player and tell me Shadow Gallery should be allowed to live. Go on. I dare you. I had to abandon listening to track 2, Destination Unknown after my nose and ears began to bleed. Like a late 80s mobile phone ring, track 4, Society Of The Mind is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick f**ks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois.

  Once music was a simple thing. People played a jolly tune into a recording device, people played it and danced about a bit. Now we need professional psychiatric care for an audience assaulted by the likes of track five, Legacy on a regular basis. Why I bothered with the rest of track 6, First Light after listening to the first thirteen seconds of the elephant man attempting to whistle the birdie song I don't know.

  In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.

If you've just bought Ummagumma, take my advice and get a big black marker and scrawl all over track eleven, Narrow Way, Pt. 1 *before* you play it. If you've already played it, you no doubt know all about the gentle sound of a retarded daschund defacating through a sieve into my ears it produces from your speakers. Track 13, Narrow Way, Pt. 3 really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends.

Baza wrote: If you've just bought Ummagumma, take my advice and get a big black marker and scrawl all over track eleven, Narrow Way, Pt. 1 *before* you play it. If you've already played it, you no doubt know all about the gentle sound of a retarded daschund defacating through a sieve into my ears it produces from your speakers. Track 13, Narrow Way, Pt. 3 really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends.

LOL

What do I think about Roxette's Look Sharp!? I'll tell you what I think...

  Sticking my fingers in my ears made the opening track, The Look sound a whole lot better, but not as much as putting an axe through my CD player. Like the little pop and splash that comes before the scream after accidentally lodging a knitting needle in your eye, Dressed For Success is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick f**ks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois. Sleeping Single sounds just like little bits of aural sh*t dripping into my brain and I can't believe it was supposed to. Call it an unfortunate accident or something.

  Say Chances three times into the mirror and Roxette will appear behind you to take you away from all this miserable sh*te. Do it. It's your only hope - the track sounds like what rancid butter smells like throughout. Dangerous is beyond belief. It sounds like a sharp nail being driven into your ear, but less fun. Give You Up (I Could Never) sounds more like a pre-teen violinist playing scales over and over in some desperate attempt to make music, tears running down their chubby cheeks with every screech than it really should.

  In fact, this should've been put down years ago.

---------------------------

Maybe he have good taste after all 

You like The Art Bears? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Hopes & Fears...

  It is difficult to stop yourself from throwing a brick at your CD player when tosh like On Suicide comes out of it on a regular basis. Dividing Line sounds like a troupe of clowns honking away in their clown car going around and around the circus ring with no hope of ever stopping from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. Track seven, Tube is beyond belief. It sounds like Monica Seles' serve grunts looped repeatedly over three pandas attempting to play the drums.

  Say Pirate Song three times into the mirror and The Art Bears will appear behind you to take you away from all this miserable sh*te. Do it. It's your only hope - the track sounds like a road accident victim's squeal of anguish as he discovers he has only half a face throughout. It's things like track 11, Riddle that makes people want to kill each other.

  In fact, I feel violated from just having to discuss this stuff with you.

Some of my favorite albums:

Supertramp's Crime of the Century, an object lesson in filth...

  Track two, Bloody Well Right is beyond belief. It sounds like the elephant man attempting to whistle 'Grandma we love you'. Luckily my PC at work has no sound card. I've been happily playing track 3, Hide in Your Shell all afternoon with no ill effects to myself. Track 4, Asylum isn't that bad. Ha ha. Got you. It's just a tiny bit worse than, say, the sound of a hamster being gently castrated with some nice rusty pliers.

  Sticking my fingers in my ears made Dreamer sound a whole lot better, but not as much as putting an axe through my CD player. The sound of something that has been banned under the Geneva Convention, but is still used by the US to break down interrogation subjects that If Everyone Was Listening so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it. Crime of the Century really should never be played in intelligent company if you want to retain your friends.

  In fact, I'm unable to understand how people can pay money to be tortured in this way.

What do I think about Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention's Grand Wazoo? I don't think you are going to like this...

  The opening track, The Grand Wazoo is so so. So, so, so f**king awful, that is. Track two, the 'And His Next Two Hitch-Hikers' of For Calvin could be mistaken for what rancid butter smells like if you don't listen very carefully, and, believe me, you don't want to. The sound of the sort of thing you'd play to a blind man to make them appreciate the lot of a deaf and blind man is nothing compared to the dire track 3, Cletus Awreetus-Awrightus.

  Eat That Question sounds like the little ticking noise that maggots make as they feed from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. Track five, Blessed Relief isn't that bad. Ha ha. Got you. It's just a tiny bit worse than, say, the sound of that buzzing, ringing sound you get if you stick your fingers in a wall socket.

  In fact, there's no excuse for people buying this and taking it into their homes to tortute their innocent children.

What do I think about V: The New Mythology Suite by Symphony X? I'll tell you what I think...

  Fallen could be mistaken for Shaddapa ya face if you don't listen very carefully, and, believe me, you don't want to. Just because the whole album stinks doesn't mean you can get away with offerings like track six, The Bird-Serpent War/Cataclysm - I'm still reeling from the onslaught of what sounds like that bloke in your office who hums to himself continuously oblivious to the number of people who plot to fill his mouth and nose with cement on a daily basis. Track 10, Absence Of Light sounds like the sort of hold music that loses customers not to your competitors but to the undertakers from its start right through to its (bleated) finish.

  In fact, I'm scared Symphony X will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.

Well, I had to go for it...

I've tried to wipe Magma's Mekanik Destruktiw Kommandoh from my mind, but, for you, here's what I can remember...

  Hortz Fur Dehn Stekehn West is beyond belief. It sounds like the sort of thing that fills the floor at my local hospital's 'mentally challenged' disco nite. I had to abandon listening to Ima Suri Dondai after my nose and ears began to bleed. Seventeen years of therapy and still I'm reduced to a gibbering wreck by things like Da Zeuhl Wortz Mekanik.

  In fact, there appears to be no reason why the world would miss Magma.

Quite mild in comparison with some of the comments I've read and heard over the years !

This is crazy

I despise you and your so-called tasteOur Music correspondent writes...
      Yes' Going for the One, an object lesson in filth...

        Eighteen people died whilst Going For The One was being created. I can
      only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a
      coked-up Andrew Lloyd-Webber writing a never-ending stream of musical
      obscenities dribbling through my ears and out onto the carpet. Yes will
      strike fear into your heart with possibly the worst song on a bad album,
      the appalling track four, Wonderous Stories. It sounds like an exploding
      zit gently squirting sebum into your brain. The sound of a rusty saw being
      slowly dragged through my father's genitalia that Awaken so accurately
      reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with
      it.

        Turn Of The Century (Rehearsal)? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like
      something my cat brought in, but couldn't be bothered to kill. I've heard
      better things than track 12, the 'Early Version Of 'Awaken'' of Eastern
      Numbers at my son's playschool end of term concert in which every small
      child has been given something to make a noise with regardless of talent,
      motivation or the ability to count to four without drooling.

        In fact, I'm scared Yes will reproduce and foist a new generation of
      crud on us.
      If you still like this crap, go buy it on amazon or something.

What do I think about Metallica's Master of Puppets? I'll tell you what I think...

  Master Of Puppets is like a Kerrang! cover CD that actually caused a drop in sales, and I'm being generous there. Metallica will strike fear into your heart with possibly the worst song on a bad album, the appalling track three, The Thing That Should Not Be. It sounds like a cheap keyboard being played by a God-fearing christian fund raiser outside Tesco's. Like generic death metal, the 'Sanitarium' of Welcome Home fails to engage me at all. It left me cold, shaking and gently drooling on the floor. Thank god the office cleaner found me in time.

  I had to abandon listening to track 5, Disposable Heroes after my nose and ears began to bleed. For f**k's sake, who decided that something not too dissimilar to aural herpes should grace the world's musical heritage? Plonk Orion on your CD player and tell me Metallica should be allowed to live. Go on. I dare you.

  In fact, I'm scared Metallica will reproduce and foist a new generation of crud on us.

I've tried to wipe The Soft Machine's Bundles from my mind, but, for you, here's what I can remember...

  Only the insistent beep beep beep of the irritatingly stupid videogame that the over stimulated brat in the seat next to you has been playing for the last seven hours out of Chicago could compare to track two, Hazard Profile Part 2. It's things like track six, Gone Sailing that makes people want to kill each other. I've heard better things than Peff at my son's playschool end of term concert in which every small child has been given something to make a noise with regardless of talent, motivation or the ability to count to four without drooling.

  The Floating World? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like a coked-up Andrew Lloyd-Webber writing a never-ending stream of musical obscenities dribbling through my ears and out onto the carpet.

  In fact, I wish The Soft Machine had never been born.

You like Jean-Michel Jarre? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Equinoxe...

  On second listening Equinoxe Part 1 starts sounding a little better, a bit more muffled and a little less like that bloke in your office who hums to himself continuously oblivious to the number of people who plot to fill his mouth and nose with cement on a daily basis. Or is that because I've strapped a twelve tog duvet around my head to block out the evil nastiness? You decide. Like the sort of thing that fills the floor at my local hospital's 'mentally challenged' disco nite, track two, Equinoxe Part 2 is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick f**ks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois. For fu*k's sake, who decided that something not too dissimilar to the sickening crunch you'd hear just after the guillotine blade has fallen and just before your head does the same should grace the world's musical heritage? Plonk Equinoxe Part 3 on your CD player and tell me Jean-Michel Jarre should be allowed to live. Go on. I dare you.

  It's things like Equinoxe Part 5 that makes people want to kill each other. What possesses people to make music that sounds like Equinoxe Part 7? The b*****d lovechild of Joe Dolce and Mariah Carey? I'm not offering further opinion because I'm not listening to it again. Ever. Equinoxe Part 8 is beyond belief. It sounds like a dawn chorus of cats slowly being ground into mince for the cheap meat market.

  In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.

this site was lame, I typed in Fish for favorite singer, he replied bagging on Reel Big Fish.  I typed in YYZ for favorite song and talked about Boomers YYZ which apparently is a band or something.  Then I tried Karn Evil 9 and this was the response:

Hmm, you've got me there. I've never heard of "Karn Evil 9" ...

... but I'm sure it's like the stuff that the BBC Radiophonic Workshop rejected.

Hmm, you've got me there. I've never heard of "Da Zeuhl Wortz Mekanik" ...

... but I'm sure it's like my sister's aborted attempts at sex with a cat.

What do I think about kobaia by Magma? I'll tell you what I think...
The lyrics of the opening track, Kobaia would make better sense written on a urinal wall - at least you could piss on them. Eight people died whilst track three, Malaria was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like a coked-up Andrew Lloyd-Webber writing a never-ending stream of musical obscenities dribbling through my ears and out onto the carpet.

That actually makes sense, because I can't understand the lyrics either

These reviews are surprisingly accurate a lot of the time.  

I think I'll go there for reviews in the future instead of Prog Archives.

Greg Lake? Oh my God. I thought Greg Lake's fans died out years ago. I remember From the Beginning Anthology as being particularly awful...

  Too much track 3, Knife Edge (Elp) is bad for your health. I recommend taking up injecting heroin into your eyeballs instead. It tickles a bit, but the rush is awesome. For f**k's sake, who decided that something not too dissimilar to the stuff that the BBC Radiophonic Workshop rejected should grace the world's musical heritage? Plonk the 'Elp' of From The Beginning on your CD player and tell me Greg Lake should be allowed to live. Go on. I dare you. Like a rusty saw being slowly dragged through my mother's genitalia, the 'Pete Sinfield' of Still is only really listenable after carefully inserting your fists into your ears. Don't worry about getting them out again - there's more on this album you'll want to not hear too.

  The lyrics of track eight, the 'Elp' of Still You Turn Me On would make better sense written on a urinal wall - at least you could piss on them. Jerusalem (Elp) is beyond belief. It sounds like the little ticking noise that maggots make as they feed. Luckily my PC at work has no sound card. I've been happily playing track 10, Karn Evil 9 1st Impression (Elp) all afternoon with no ill effects to myself.

  In fact, I'm unable to understand how people can pay money to be tortured in this way.

Quite correct description, if this is automatically generated, it's funny it should pick "Still you turn me on" that may have the worst lyrics ever!     

I hope I would have written this one:

What do I think about Hits by Phil Collins? I don't think you are going to like this...   The opening track, Another Day In Paradise sounds like a coked-up Andrew Lloyd-Webber writing a never-ending stream of musical obscenities dribbling through my ears and out onto the carpet from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. If you've just bought Hits, take my advice and get a big black marker and scrawl all over True Colors *before* you play it. If you've already played it, you no doubt know all about the gentle sound of something my cat brought in, but couldn't be bothered to kill it produces from your speakers. The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of track 6, I Wish It Would Rain Down.   For f**k's sake, who decided that something not too dissimilar to my grandmother's aborted attempts at sex with a shrew should grace the world's musical heritage? Plonk Sussudio on your CD player and tell me Phil Collins should be allowed to live.  Go on. I dare you. Eighteen people died whilst track thirteen, Dance Into The Light was being created. I can only say that they are the lucky ones and missed out on what sounds like the insistent beep beep beep of the irritatingly stupid videogame that the over stimulated brat in the seat next to you has been playing for the last seventeen hours out of Chicago. Track 14, A Groovy Kind Of Love sounds more like a road accident victim's squeal of anguish as he discovers he has only half a face than it really should.   In fact, I feel violated from just having to discuss this stuff with you.

What do I think about Phil Collins' No Jacket Required? I'll tell you what I think...   Too much Only You Know And I Know is bad for your health. I recommend taking up injecting heroin into your eyeballs instead. It tickles a bit, but the rush is awesome. Phil Collins will strike fear into your heart with possibly the worst song on a bad album, the appalling track three, Long Long Way To Go. It sounds like the crap usually hosted on geocities by colour blind web idiots. Just because the whole album stinks doesn't mean you can get away with offerings like I Don't Wanna Know - I'm still reeling from the onslaught of what sounds like the stomach rumblings of Miss 'Overweight Texas' 1994.   Track six, Don't Lose My Number is so so. So, so, so f**king awful, that is. Like the sort of thing you'd play to a blind man to make them appreciate the lot of a deaf and blind man, Doesn't Anybody Stay Together Anymore is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick f**ks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois. How many times does Phil Collins need to tell us all about their miserable f**king life? Track nine, Inside Out just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there.   In fact, I wish Phil Collins had never been born.

Computer genereated but I can't love this  more

Iván

Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti, an object lesson in filth...

  The chorus of track three, In My Time Of Dying will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like the elephant man attempting to whistle a Eurovision reject. Ten years of therapy and still I'm reduced to a gibbering wreck by things like track five, Trampled Underfoot. Kashmir reminds me of nails being slowly drawn down a blackboard by the Marquis De Sade. I wish it wouldn't.

  People have accused my reviews of being generated by a computer. Well, of course they are. You think anyone in their right mind would listen to Led Zeppelin all day? I'm all digital baby. Like Shaddapa ya face, track nine, Down By The Seaside fails to engage me at all. It left me cold, shaking and gently drooling on the floor. Thank god the office cleaner found me in time. Led Zeppelin sound like my father's aborted attempts at sex with a bee throughout the apocalyptic mess that is Ten Years Gone.

  In fact, I wish Led Zeppelin had never been born.

^

Ah well atleast he listens to Mars volta and thats more complex than either of the bands