RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN...OPENS DOOR..STEPS INSIDE..CLOSES DOOR...RUNRUNRUNRUN..ah here we are

THIS IS A THRAED ABOUT ZOMBIES AND SHEEP

Now max and co will probably say....."Oh dear, dude has returned with another one of his totally irrelevant threads, lets smack him on the wrist and say ..very naughty dude!!!"

then they will probably want me to smack them on the wrist and call them naughty or "Who's your daddy", or "spank me big boy"or something like that!!!

to which i would say "Sorry guys i dont swing that way"

anyway

Zombies are dead people who are bought back to life(sort of) usally to work for evil plantation owners while they scare the poo out of the residents of small carribean villages. this is all very well but its not so good when the evil guy goes to sell his produce at market.

After, all being dead, bits of them will start dropping of,this is not good,especially when they start to find bits of ears, fingers,noses and more private bits that even zombies would like to keep, in the customers fruit and veggies!!

And there is nothing worse than an angry zombie who has just lost his private bits!!

Sheep are very useful creatures,being close to the bottom of the food chain they are a welcome sight to wolves, bears,mountain lions and wandering minstrals.

wandering minstrals will sneak onto farms(as you do)kill, cook and eat a sheep and then sing songs about it in local villages except the poor sheep is now a mighty ram which the minstral bravely kills after an epic battle!!

the problem is,everyone has cds and surround sound systems and every album Jethro Tull ever made and who cares about a minstral bignoting himself.

As you can imagine,Wandering Minstrals are a dying breed.

From sheep we get nice wollen clothing to keep us warm in winter,the trouble is..i have never seen a sheep knit so i suspect they have a big factory somewhere where they sit at sowing machines or knit all this great stuff for us

how nice of them

Lambs are cute and little children clap their hands with joy when they see them frolicking and gamboling in the fields on a warm spring day

i clap my hands withjoy when i see lamb to

Lamb chops, Roast lamb,rack of lamb and my favourite,Lamb on a spit

yes,i am always happy to see lambs

in summery

Sheep are good,Lambs are cute and tasty,Wandering Minstrals Are few and far between

And if you are an evil plantation owner do not get zombies to do your work as they have a habit of falling to peices.

but on the plus side,at least you dont have to pay them!.

***** (crreeeekkk) door opens, eye peers through crack..... (ccrrreeeeekkk, snick) door closes**** The tall handsome , muscular prognerd stolls to his worn and stained davenport and lays down with a slight moan of the twisted springs***   "Ahhh, he's back..."   *** snnnxxpp - zzzzzzzzzzzz

*** (click) "ayyyy good morning Central Cali, time to hit the ground running and grease the wheels....  first a news update." A  sleep palsied hand stretches for the off button, "this just in.... Zombie's have attacked a farmers sheep just south of the 140 and Avenue 12 interchange. Police are baffled at the zombie's sudden change of attitude as negotiations appeared to be going smoothly for the restoration of medical benefits."

The hand slowly rubs the sleep crud from tired eyes as they focus upon the closed door of the Aussie Terminator in the next room. "An estimate of 30 sheep have been torn assunder during the rampage....."

Rolling to his side, the rippling muscles push the long, powerful frame from the sofa. "Must inform Dudezan..... his flocks under attack..... payback time...," a cloudy beer haze engulfs the Prog-nerd as he shuffles towards the grimey door.

(knock knock)   "Go away, mate. Need a few more minutes" (knock knock) "Crikey, get off the door, mate, or I'll slap me wallaby on yer head!!!"

A crash of splintering wood and squealling metal as Danbo breaks through the solid core door. "Now Dudezan, it's on.... the zombies are kiling your sheep. I told you zombie's aren't cut out for field labor.... GO!!!!"

Throbbin' runs to the dudecave whilst slipping on his leather vest and feather boa and attempting to keep his slippers from flapping....(twap twap twap) Tripping over a discarded lambchop, he realises the futility of the mission. Two men against a hundred zombies.... not good odds.

The dawn breaks over a battered field.... broken stalks, clods of rust coloured earth, clumps of wool and zombie-fied body parts litter the area like cornflakes on the kitchen floor of the Garten household......

A fuzzy red haired head rises above the carnage, bulbous nose sniffs the coming scent of Dude and Throbbin's approach in the kang-mobile. The fleece bedecked visage of the Velveteen Clown raises the whiskey bottle once more to his rouge smeared face, pulls deeply and calls forth his new army....... Zombie Sheep.

(Tune in tomorrow..... will Dude and Garten bring along the Zombie-wolf with his chartreuse teeth?  Will the Clown set forth his new breed upon the unsuspecting lycra duo? Same Dude time, same Dude station.....).    

Mist settles upon the scene, the half-lit jester squints into the fog and spies a lurking shadow. Dispatching the first waves of slathering zombie sheep, a flowing melodic tune shears through the unearthly quiet.

The first sheep snaps it's venomous fangs furiously but fails to penetrate the preys leg. The teeth fall to the fetid field like wet confetti on a rain slashed parking lot. The titanium leg holds strong, whilst the flute plays on in a desperate attempt to ensnare the creatures minds in the prog-evil nature of the Electric Minstrel's Pied Piper performance.      

The slickened clown rises up to claim victory, when out of the clouds jumps a humugous kangaroo shape vehicle with boxing gloves..... the clown shrinks back and runs for the nearest pool of fairy shrimp... (sploosh) (glurp glurp gflurp)

.

.

.

Dudezan emerges from the Kangamobile... stout and erect, with his throbbing baton at the ready. The sheep cower, no leadership in sight. An easy victory for the Aussie stud-muffin.

sorry guys i just dont know how to sigue(is that the word?)in with what you have written(not being particularly creative at all)

SO HOW ABOUT THIS

feel free to join in!!

"DUDEZAN AND THE ZOMBIES!"

(OR: HOW TO RUIN YOUR COUNTRIES REPUTATION AS A LAND OF TWO FISTED MEN OF ACTION!!)

(OR:LET ME APOLOGIESE IN ADVANCE FOR WHAT IS TO FOLLOW!!)

IN WHICH DUDEZAN BATTLES VARIOUS NEFARIOUS DENIZENS OF DARKNESS WTH THE HELP OF DANBOMAN JIM(SORRY SIR JIM) AND OTHERS!! NOT TO MENTION BADGERS NINJA PRAIREI DOGS AND ASSORTED INDIGENUOS FAUNA!!

AND WITH MUSICAL INTERLUDES!!!!!

LADIES OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITOIN NEED RAED NO FURTHER AS DOING SO COULD LEAD TO AN ATTACK OF THE VAPOURS....SMELLING SALTS AVAILABLE

PART THE FIRST:

WITH BINOCULARS PRESSED TO HS EYES,DUDEZAN STOOD ON A HILL OVERLOOKING THE TOWN BELOW.........

COMPLETELY OVERLOOKING IT AS HE WAS FACING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!

ONCE HE HAD HIS BEARINGS HE GAZED BELOW

DOWN IN THE VALLEY LAY THE TOWN OF "TOUCHAMAWILLIE" FROM AN ABORIGINAL WORD MEANING ..."I HAVE JUST SEEN CHRISTINE AGUALIRA IN ONE OF HER SKIMPY COSTUMES AND WOULD LIKE  FEW MINUTES ALONE"..NEXT TO HIM STOOD DENNIS THE WANDERING MINSTRAL

DENNIS:WELL WHAT DO YOU SEE?

DUDEZAN:IT LOOKS LIKE AN INFESTATION ALLRIGHT.......ZOMBIES!!

"OH BOY"!!SAID DENNIS "I HAVE COME ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO SING THE PRAISES OF THE GREAT DUDEZAN AND HIS EPIC BATTLE WITH THE ZOMBIES, LET ME TUNE UP MY LUTE"

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF.."YESTERDAY":

"YESTERDAY,IS THE DAY THAT COMES BEFORE TODAY"

"AND THE DAY THAT COMES AFTER THE DAY BEFORE"

"OH IM CONFUSED BY YESTERDAY"

"SUDDENLY,MEANS THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED QUICKLY"

"AND PROBABLY WAS QUITE SCARY"

"I NEED A PLACE TO HIDE AWAY"

"WHY SHE HAD TO GO I DONT KNOW AND I DONT CARE"

"SHE WAS SUCH A BITCH NOW IM GLAD THAT SHES NOT HERE"

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!?"...DUDEZAN EXCLAIMED!!!

"JUST TUNING UP REPLIED DENNIS"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

DUDEZAN LOOKED DOWN AT THE TOWN,"YEEES... DOWN THERE MUST BE THE QUEEN ZOMBIE, LAYING HER EGGS SOMEWHERE UNDER THE TOWN"

DENNIS LOOKED PUZZLED.."ER .....QUEEN ZOMBIE????...WHAT THE HELLAREYOU TALKING ABOUT?? I THOUGHT THEY WERE DEAD PEOPLE,BOUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY VOODOO"

"THIS IS AUSTRALIA MATE!!!,WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY HERE.BUT I CANT DO THS ALONE I WILL HAVE TO CALL MY ANIMAL FREINDS FOR HELP THIS IS GOING TO BE QUITE A JOB, STAND BACK!!!

DUEZAN RAISED HIS HANDS TO HIS FACE AND YELLED A MIGHTY CALL,IT ROARED OVER THE LAND ECHOING OVER CLIFFS,SPREADING LIKE A WALL OF SOUND OVER THE LANDSCAPE, AS IT DIED DOWN DENNIS SPOKE EXCITEDLY

"OH BOY THIS CALLS FOR A SONG!!!!"

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "GREENSLEEVES"

"OH DUDEZAN, HE IS THE MAN,A HERO BRAVE AND TRUE"

"BUT IF HE GOES AND STUFFS THIS UP THEN WE ARE ALL IN THE POO"

"DEATH AWAITS IN NASTY WAYS TO GET OUR HERO STUCK'

AND IF HE FAILS IN HIS QUEST THEN WE ARE WELL AND TRULY F..........

"SHHHHHHHHH, THERES SOMETHING IN THE BUSHES!" DUDEZAN WHISPERED

THE NEARBY BUSHES PARTED AND OUT STEPPED...................................TWO WALLABIES AND A PLATYPUS....

"what!!!thats it!!!!!"....CREID DENNIS.....THATS ALL YOUCAN MUSTER?

"ITS NOT MY FAULT,WE DONT HAVE VERY MANY BIG ANIMALS IN AUSTRALIA!!"

"TO RIGHT MATE!!!"SAID A DISSAPOINTED DENNIS "WHAT, NO LIONS,NO TIGERSNO ELEPHANTS?"

"NO"

DENNIS:"NO RHINOS,NO JAGUARS,NO MOUNTAIN LIONS????"

"NO"

"WELL...WHAT DO YOU HAVE?????"..........

DUDEZAN:"..............WELL........WE HAVE PARROTS........AND ECHIDNAS"

DENNIS:PARROTS,FLIPPIN PARROTS WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH PARROTS WALLABIES AND PLATPUSES...GORDEN BENNETT..... I CAME ALL THE WAY HERE FOR THIS!!!!??

"HANG ON A MNUTE",SHOUTED DUDEZAN.."THE PLATYPUS HASA POISON SPUR AND CAN PARALIZE.....

PARALIZE,PARALIZE WHAT?...THOSE ZOMBIES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD....YOU CANT KILL SOMETHING THATS DEAD,BESIDES,THAT LITTLE THING LOOKS LIKE IT WOULD BE HARD PRESSED TRYING TO STOP FROM BEING SQUASHED!!!!

DUDEZAN:WALLABIES CAN DISSEMBOWEL,THEY HAVE POWERFUL LEGS!!!!!

DENNIS:THOSE BLOODY THINGS ARE TWO FEET TALL..WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO DISSEMBOWEL A  KNEECAP!!

DUDEZAN: "RIGHT THATS IT!!!...PUT EM UP"

DENNIS:"WHOA BIG FELLA JUST KIDDING .ER ...IM A  LOVER NOT A FIGHTER"

DUDEZAN:IHOPE YOU AND YOUR RIGHT HAND ARE HAPPY TOGETHER.......ANYWAY WERE GOING TO NEED HELP

DUDEZAN PULLED OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE AND STARTED DILLING,HE DIALLED FIVE NUMBERS BEFORE HE REALISED

"waiT a minute..... THERES NO SUCH THING AS INTERNATIONAL RESCUE!!!!!!.

HE DIALLED AGAIN..........."JIM..YEAH....ITS ANOTHER INFESTATION.....WERE GOING TO NEED THE BADGERS...AND CALL DANBOMAN......I KNOW THEY ARE STILL EXPERIMENTAL BUT ITS TIME FOR.........THE NINJA PRARIE DOGS!!...DUDEZAN PUT AWAY HIS PHONE

 

DOWN IN THE TOWN BELOW THE ZOMBIES STIRRED IN THE MORNING LIGHT

 

STAY TUNED....WHAT FOR, I DONT KNOW...BUT STAY TUNED FOR SOMETHING

Jim, aka: Throbbin', begins the task of gathering the Ninja Prairie Dogs and transporting them to the zombie site.

Using his Prairie Dog Sex Gland Flavored cigarette's Throbbin' leads the hormonally charged beasts, enchanted by the wafting smoke to the transport vehicle. Tripping over his flouncing feather boa, Jim plows head long into the piles of dingo dung (a natural Herbal blend) next to the carrier, rendering his arms immobile, his mind temporarily stunned and his superheroes kilt wrapped about his head.

The lead Prairie Dog, aroused and engorged, takes full advantage of the earstwhile superheroes exposed gluttious maximus.  

DUDEZAN HAD A THOUGHT:" I DO HOPE THEY SORTED OUT THAT UNFORTUNATE PROBLEM WITH THE PRAREI DOGS, WE DONT WANT ANOTHER INCIDENT LIKE THE ONE IN MOSCOW"

"WHAT HAPPENED THERE?" ASKED DENNIS

"WELL,SOME OF THE GENETIC MATERIAL DANBOMAN USED TO CREATE THE NINJA PRAREI DOGS CAME FROM UNKNOWN SOURCES,WHEN HE CREATED THE FIRST GROUP THEY WERE FINE EXCEPT FOR AN UNFORTUNATE ATTRACTION FOR...ER.......BUTTOCKS....WHEN WE CONFRONTED THOSE ZOMBIES IN MOSCOW WE NEARLLY SNUFFED IT AS WE WERE FIGHTING OFF PRARIE DOGS AS WELL AS ZOMBIES!!!!"

"I....SEE" SAID DENNIS "OH WELL,I PROMISE I WONT MAKE THEM THE BUTT OF ANY JOKES

DUDEZAN:"SHUT UP"

DENNIS:"NO REALLY, I PROMISE NOT TO MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF"

DUDEZAN:"PLEASE SHUT UP"

DENNIS:"IM SERIOUS, TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING WOULD BE A REAL BUMMER"

DUDEZAN:"SHUT UP OR I WILL HIT YOU"

DENNIS: "I BET THEY REALLY LIKE THAT BAND" THE BUTTHOLE SURFERS

DUDEZAN:"RIGHT THATS IT!!!!"...pow!!!!!

DENNIS SLUMPED TO THE GROUND, UNCONCIOUS.

"THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO TELL SUCH CRAPPY JOKES!!!!"

THE WAIT CONTINUED

Distinguished and officious, the masters of commercial ceremony prize their corner office windows but fail to take in the view. A lone middle-manager repents and reads Bukowski instead of the pages of projections that pile up in his "IN" box. "Zombies and sheep," he repeats over and over, tracing the outline of pigeon droppings dripping down the other side of his panoramic pane.

Scattered cadres scheme and dream of their glorious overthrow, though infrequent recruiting and paranoid secrecy damn them to the half life of the less lucid lurkers. Numbers one through six alone used to know each others' names...slowly growing disillusioned, they begin to refer to the new members as "zombies and sheep". Funding is provided by an heiress with insurgent pretentions and somewhat indiscriminate carnal appetites; you can apply for a missionary position as long as you're a revolutionary with no erectile dysfunction. If you wish to build a skyscraping utopia, you must depend on long, strong girders as much as the flexibility of the proletariat.

The subsidized farmer and herdsman is unconcerned; his recently emptied pastures are a source of mystery, but little threat to his welfare. Or so he thinks. A community college course in animal husbandry can only prepare you for so much. The parish veterinarian is more distraught; he sends samples to a laboratory for analysis but unfortunately has chosen a research institute crafted by a 50s B-movie enthusiast. Electrodes and oscilloscopes abound. The scientist throws a switch that resembles a cubist's door-knocker, and declares the mutton rancid. Back at home the vet wrings his hands as yet another milkcow gets the blues.

One Night Only! shouts the poster that is fading to cataract blue. The performer couldn't be more ignored if the seats were facing the exits. His avant-garten sonics fall upon def ears. Taking a page from the ancient gallery, he begins to verbally abuse the urban contemporary crowd. "Zombies!" he taunts. "Sheep!"

Off in the distance, a disembodied wail greets the rising of a sullen sun. Leaden industrial skies glimpse the shortening shadows of hollow-eyed buildings. A quick eye can catch the furtive forms as they scuttle from one alleyway to the next, desperate to avoid capture- or worse.

Late night has as always turned into bleary morning for the revellers as they stammer, attempting to seem imperious as they hail their drivers. From fermented fellowships the sotted sodden solitary dandies, wags, roustabouts and iconoclasts splinter and one by one begin the semi-conscious ride to soft beds or squatter sofas. Several do not relish the anticipated spousal rebuke.

Something stirs that should never have been born, let alone reborn.

"Ah, another $2.00 into the old retirement account." The gnarled stooped figure shuffles to the desk to fill out the deposit slip. His inch long fingernails clack the desktop in search of a quill. "Hmm, Maybe I'll take a week off for a bend and twizzle? The bloody Englishman will never know it was me."

The chair creeks under the weight of the cardigan wearing academic's bulbous hindquarters. "Milk and cookies, yes, milk and cooooozzzzzzz." The wispy haired teacher slips into slumber like a head tucked chicken. 

Throbbin', well coifed and slightly hung, strides into the dank den and surveys the dozing instructor. Steeling softly to the chair, Throbbin' reaches his hand into the pocket of Rideouts worn slacks and grips something soft and slippery. "Damn those gummy worms," Throbbin' whispers. "Puts them in his pocket, the cad." Clawing deeper, the masked avenger locates his prize, the keys to Rideout's Titanium chalk holder and can opener. "Egads I was thristy," intones the frilly hero as he pops the top off a Newcastle. "Ah, the plans... must find the plans...."

Reaching into the other pocket and finding another soft and slippery worm, the embarrassed superhero blushes and quickly withdrawls. "Eeekk, where's a wet wipe when ya need one?"

The caped crusader tip toes across the room to the door marked "Secret Plans" and begins to pick the lock with his zircon encrusted tweezers. "Viola" the door opens......  

And people say the forums are getting out of hand now...

THE MIGHTY DUDEZAN SURVEYED HIS REALM FROM THE CLIFFTOP REMEMBERING THE DAYS WHEN HE RULED THE JUNGLE

IT WAS A SMALL RULER AND IT TOOK A LONG TIME BUT HE MANAGED TO MEASURE THE JUNGLE AS BEING ABOUT 15 MILES WIDE AND FIFTY MILES LONG

DUDEZAN OBVIOUSLY HAS NO GIRLFRIEND AND A LOT OF TIME ON HIS HANDS!!!

WE HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN JIM!!

Another strange thread  

But I like it