My Newsbiscuit Article

Frederick Sloane was a normal healthy 23 year old man when he agreed to appear in the music video promoting hit single The Cheeky Song by Romanian pop group The Cheeky Girls in 2002.

"It seemed like a bit of a laugh and I got a bit of money" says Sloane, now 31. "I didn't like the song, it was terrible actually, but I thought it didn't really matter."

However as time went on, Sloane and his friends and family began to notice changes in his behaviour.

"I used to pull a lot of birds with my smooth moves on the dance floor but it just gradually stopped happening. No matter what I did, I just couldn't look decent dancing any more. And when I tried to sing to my mother for her birthday, all the notes were flat and I ended by telling her to "Touch my bum".'

Sloane now claims he is a victim of "crapness" he was unwittingly exposed to while shooting the video for the song. In addition to the above problems, his medical condition, formally known as "being a bit crap", creeps into all aspects of his life. His friends sent him to the shops to buy an AC/DC album for a barbecue and Sloane returned with Justin Bieber.

"It's a real pity" says friend Rob. "Fred used to be a great guy, had real good taste and everything, but now he won't even go to the movies unless it's a sequel. I even heard he bought some shiny gold briefs."

Fred is not alone. Actors and dancers who appeared in videos by The Venga Boys, Steps, S Club Seven, Britney Spears, Westlife and more have all come forth claiming similar problems.

Promising law student Susan Rickston recalls doing an oral exam on court procedure the day after having appeared as an extra in the Venga Boys video "Shalalalala".

"I couldn't remember anything and I was pronouncing all the words wrong. I even referred to the 'gavel' as a 'hammer'. It was a complete debacle. And when I realised things were going wrong, I stood up and wiggled my bum at that them while winking and couldn't understand why it wasn't working."

Like Sloane, she claims that inadequately contained crapness on the set of the video was responsible for her condition.

Human rights lawyer Mika Fujumitsu is handling many of the claims. "Typical of big business, the trashy pop market that boomed in the past two decades just expanded with eyes only on profit margins, without any thought as to what the longterm effects to society might be due to direct exposure to such high concentrations of crapness. It was irresponsible and safety cautions need to be taken such as having a recuperation room near the set where people can listen to The Smiths and Velvet Underground after shooting is finished, or perhaps allowing them to wear Led Zeppelin t-shirts under their costumes as shielding."

People are worried that live shows could also be affecting audiences and many have complained of not being able to play instruments well anymore after seeing Avril Lavigne or the Black Eyed Peas live.

"Something needs to be done" says Fujimitsu. "We look to leaders like Obama and Cameron to pass laws regulating the amount of crapness allowed in a particular song or video, for example allowing auto-tune OR a drum machine, but not both."

Japan is expected to strenuously oppose a proposed total ban on J-pop, which some scientists now suspect may be the true cause of the country's declining birth rate and economic woes.