Post of the day

There are a lot of people on the internet. They write a lot of words. Sometimes, these words are excellent. This is a thread for those posts. 

Note: This thread is for discussion board posts that were not not made on PA, not blog entries or blurred out Facebook screencaps (who am I kidding I am going to be the only person posting content in this thread and I'm going to give up on it within a week). 

I'll start us off with a few, since I don't mean "of the day" to be literal. 

How can you justify letting your cats outside? Keeping them inside is only cruel for the cats, not for the rest of the animal kingdom. If you think keeping a cat indoors is too cruel for the cat, then don't f**king have a cat. Keeping a spayed cat in a barn or granary, where they'd rather feed on plentiful rodents than on harder to catch birds? Good for the cat, good for the people. These are the happiest cats I've known, and I've known plenty.  To all the people whose cats I killed when I was a teenager trying to get local wild birds to nest in my house? I am still not sorry. Maybe today I'd find a more humane way to do it, but all I had was a crossbow.

Ayn Rand and God on Metafilter

I was on a terrible, TERRIBLE date. Couldn't get any worse, really. At dinner she basically admitted she was crazy, clingy, and stalked her ex-boyfriend for about six months while stalking the girls he was dating at the time as well. Red flags galore. Did I also mention she had the worse manners of all time? Complete bitch to the server. One of my pet peeves, actually. So after dinner she wants to get drinks, and I'm done with this date and try to find an excuse to leave. She is persistent, says we are going, and runs to the bathroom. At this point I call my cop friend, who is actually on duty near us. I tell him the story, and I ask if he can help bail me out somehow. Nothing big, just get me out of there on our way to the bar. He agrees. I tell him what route I'm taking, and to look for my car. We're driving towards the bar, and lo and behold, lights and sirens. It's my friend. He acts completely natural, and I follow suit. Takes my license, goes back to his car. The date I'm with is all angry, blahblah, stupid cops, blahblah. A few moments later he comes back. "Sir, put both your hands on the steering wheel." "Uh.. Okay officer..." "Now get out of the car. Slowly" He then proceeds to throw me on the hood (gently, actually) and cuff me. My date then gets hysterical, runs out of the car, and asks what the f**k this is about. "This man has a warrant out for his arrest, ma'am." "WHAT FOR?" "Rape... and murder." "UTSAIDAUHIAYGDKGADHADDAAHH!!!!!!!" She runs like a bat out of hell down the street, while my cop friend starts busting up laughing. I never did see her again. My cop friend still tells the story to THIS DAY.

blitzan on Reddit

a couple of years ago my best friend and roommate got the chance to go to Antarctica for a research gig over the summer (for like 3 months) just before he left, I slipped a copy of John Carpenter's The Thing on DVD into his bag, because I knew he'd never seen it and that curiosity would get the better of him during the long Antarctic winter  his first email to me that summer was a short and simple "F**k you"

Joolander on Penny Arcade

A Person wrote: Good thread idea, this way I don't miss them in the Shred. :P

I made this thread because by chance I happened to actually read the comments on Metafilter and stumbled on the first one, and I needed to share "but all I had was a crossbow" with as many people as possible. I'm afraid my other posts probably won't be as such of a hidden gem type of thing, but I can't read the entire internet every day.

Also, *chan screencaps are okay, within reason. 

lmao

Those three were a pretty amazing start to this thread, I will admit.

stonebeard wrote: I would contribute, but I'd just repost from reddit, so hmm

What, and you think I'm not? Half of the things I post here I got from sifting through the crap on Reddit (do Reddit a favor and unsubscribe from the major subreddits, they're terrible!).   

well I curse the cat-killer to die slowly of festering boils ..even if the story is made up

Tony R wrote: Some of those stories appear to be made up; the cop/crazy lady one and the Antarctic...

Are you suggesting that something on the internet is untrue? :O I'm not sure why you find someone going to Antarctica without having seen The Thing and someone, somewhere on the internet knowing that person more implausible than someone killing cats with a crossbow, though. Most things on the internet are unverified/unverifiable, does that decrease your enjoyment of them?  

Edited by Henry Plainview - July 15 2011 at 16:58

Henry Plainview wrote: Last one, definitely_not_a_dog on reddit's response to this video. I have my own experience with this training trick. I tried teaching my cat how to do it. When I finally thought I had the whole routine down to a science, and had done a few test runs with my cat, I decided to invite all of my friends over with the aim of showing off just how awesome my cat was since it could grab me a beer on a whim. This entire plan backfired on me. As the last of my mates showed up for the "football game", I shout "mr pickles, get me a beer please" and everyones' attention turned to my cat. In my mind I was thinking "Awesome, this is totally going to be the crowning moment of my adult life" and I somehow think that my cat was thinking the same thing. With all eyes glued on my cat, it walked into the kitchen and towards the fridge but disappeared from view in the process. The entire room, composed of thirty middle aged men, had their eyes glued on the kitchen door to see if the cat would return with a beer. Some 30 seconds later, after many loud 'clunks' from the kitchen, the cat slowly began to re-emerge; only it appeared to be dragging something that was still out of view. I began gloating to my friends "oh look! He got the beer! He's dragging it out to me!", but stopped mid-sentence as everyone began to yell and scream. I quickly turned around to see why they were screaming. I thought to myself, "oh no, what has mr. pickles done?", and was struck down by an overwhelming sensation of grief as I saw what my cat was dragging out of the kitchen. It wasn't a beer, it was the distinctly cat-scratched, mutilated, and half-decomposed corpse of a small child. Without realising what happened, my mates tackled me to the ground and called the police. I was arrested, and spent 25 years in jail. I thought I was playing with the cat, but the cat had been playing me.

lolnut

Henry Plainview wrote: this nearly killed me in 2010

OH NO, of all the threads to pointlessly revive, one of Henry's.