I Hope You Like Woody Allen

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   Moving house I came across bundles of my old film scripts and things. This is the only one I'm intending to foist on you, don't worry. I thought it was kinda funny. It's an extract from an unproduced (gasp!) short film called I Hope You Like Woody Allen which was basically a tribute/love letter to the great man. This is from the section called 'Situations Where Being Woody Allen Is Not Funny".

Scene 2- Woody is driving his car down a small road. Slamming the brakes too late, he hits an old lady dead on as she makes to cross the road. The woman's body collapses, dead. A small female child accompanying her goes beserk as a distraught Woody steps out of his car.

W: Aw geez! I knew something was up as soon as these piece of junk's engine turned over on the first try! (he kicks the car and shouts at it) You set me up!
Kid: (crying) Grandma's dead!
W: Mine is too! But I'm a Jew with Nietzchean leanings so my god's dead and my people went through millenia of suffering for a stiff so I think if someone's going to cry here it should be me. Though I'm sure the tears will flow once I see American Idol's Neilsen rating. Hey c'mon kid, stop acting like you won first prize at a Rush Limbaugh lookalike contest.
K: Call an ambulance!
W: Gee, maybe you're right, my heart's palpitating alarmingly...
K: For my grandmother!
W: Why? She's dead! It's like she's been to a public hospital already but without the queues. We'll need to get her to the morgue but, you know, we got a few days before she goes gamey but maybe we should call now because with traffic around here it could take weeks. When my grandma died we tried taking her down to the funeral parlour and got caught in Saturday traffic. We finally had to lay her to rest in the under carriage of our jalopy. The clutch was never the same.
K: CALL AN AMBULANCE!
W: Don't you think that's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted? Shutting that door now won't do anything except perhaps maybe trap a few stable boys in the barn together and I don't know about that, you know what those stable boys get up to-
K: I HATE YOU!
W: It's sad to see anti-semitism in one so young.
K starts wailing.
W: Boy, you sound like my wife did on our honeymoon, only you're a lot older than she was.

Freeze frame, super-imposed text captions.
Caption 1: In summary
2: Being Woody Allen:
3: Not clever
4: Not big
5: Not funny

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Textbook Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member Joined: October 08 2009 Status: Offline Points: 3281	Topic: I Hope You Like Woody Allen Posted: October 29 2009 at 04:39
	Moving house I came across bundles of my old film scripts and things. This is the only one I'm intending to foist on you, don't worry. I thought it was kinda funny. It's an extract from an unproduced (gasp!) short film called I Hope You Like Woody Allen which was basically a tribute/love letter to the great man. This is from the section called 'Situations Where Being Woody Allen Is Not Funny". Scene 2- Woody is driving his car down a small road. Slamming the brakes too late, he hits an old lady dead on as she makes to cross the road. The woman's body collapses, dead. A small female child accompanying her goes beserk as a distraught Woody steps out of his car. W: Aw geez! I knew something was up as soon as these piece of junk's engine turned over on the first try! (he kicks the car and shouts at it) You set me up! Kid: (crying) Grandma's dead! W: Mine is too! But I'm a Jew with Nietzchean leanings so my god's dead and my people went through millenia of suffering for a stiff so I think if someone's going to cry here it should be me. Though I'm sure the tears will flow once I see American Idol's Neilsen rating. Hey c'mon kid, stop acting like you won first prize at a Rush Limbaugh lookalike contest. K: Call an ambulance! W: Gee, maybe you're right, my heart's palpitating alarmingly... K: For my grandmother! W: Why? She's dead! It's like she's been to a public hospital already but without the queues. We'll need to get her to the morgue but, you know, we got a few days before she goes gamey but maybe we should call now because with traffic around here it could take weeks. When my grandma died we tried taking her down to the funeral parlour and got caught in Saturday traffic. We finally had to lay her to rest in the under carriage of our jalopy. The clutch was never the same. K: CALL AN AMBULANCE! W: Don't you think that's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted? Shutting that door now won't do anything except perhaps maybe trap a few stable boys in the barn together and I don't know about that, you know what those stable boys get up to- K: I HATE YOU! W: It's sad to see anti-semitism in one so young. K starts wailing. W: Boy, you sound like my wife did on our honeymoon, only you're a lot older than she was. Freeze frame, super-imposed text captions. Caption 1: In summary 2: Being Woody Allen: 3: Not clever 4: Not big 5: Not funny

Vompatti Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member VIP Member Joined: October 22 2005 Location: elsewhere Status: Offline Points: 67407	Posted: October 29 2009 at 05:12


crimhead Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Reviewer page Forum Senior Member VIP Member Joined: October 10 2006 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 19236	Posted: October 29 2009 at 12:17
	It sounds like a Red Meat comic with Milkman Dan. Edited by crimhead - October 29 2009 at 12:24