Rules for being a Tool fan!

• Maynard is always right.
• If Maynard thinks he's wrong, that means he's mistaken(see 1)
• Maynard is not gay.
• Even if you see Maynard with fake breasts wearing a bra, a woman's wig and makeup on a beach claiming he's gay, he's still not gay.
• If you find something nonsensical in Tool's lyrics, that only means your little mind can't gasp it.
• If you find Tool's lyrics contradictory, you're thinking the wrong way.
• If you find yourself jumping around the room and crawling in epileptic convulsions, that means you listened to too much Push*t.
• If you need to leave the house within the next 5 minutes, don't listen to Third Eye!
• Don't listen to Third Eye at all if you don't have 30 minutes to listen to it twice.
• If you jumped up in your sleep, then Reflection is already over.
• You have to round up all talks about movies with the phrase "To hell with your_____ (Insert a famous producer's name). Adam Jones - that's another story.
• We all know LA will be flooded one day.
• If you're running short on weed, stop listening to Bill Hicks.
• If you are becoming a big supporter of legalization of drugs without trying any of them, quit listening to Bill Hicks.
• If in the morning, after looking in the mirror, you find yourself bald and not being able to move a single muscle on your face, there's a photo of Maynard hanging on your mirror.
• You spend more time listening to Tool than you do sleeping.
• Danny is cool
• Danny is really cool
• If you think you're as good of a drummer as Danny, make sure you don't have a fork/knife/chainsaw/jackhammer in your hand. Or just call an ambulance.
• If you cut off Danny's right hand and all fingers on the left, he will still be a better drummer than you,
• I may be wrong in rule 32.
• If I'm wrong, I'm not Maynard.
• If I'm not Maynard, I'm gay.
• ^That's what "thinking the wrong way" means.
• Don't try to demonstrate to an Italian guy your knowledge of Italian - nothing good will come out.
• You can say "penis" in at least 5 different languages.
• OGT doesn't exist in real life.
• If you're an OGT, you don't exist.
• Your cat is used to the fact that until it begins to perform Mantra, it won't get any food.
• Birthday of a Tool member should be a celebration not only for you, but also for all your family/friends/pets/classmates/colleagues/neighbours.
• Replace "Penis" and all it's synonyms with "Tool" in your daily speech.
• There, you've read half the rules by now.
• The further the worse.
• ^Previous rule does not apply to Tool's albums.
• If you started listening to Tool recently, your friends don't yet know in which sect you belong, but they're sure you belong to one.
• You are sure that there's a warm spot in hell for you where you may meet another toolphile!
• Maybe you'll even meet Maynard!
• Though I suspect he's in charge there.
• Never call pop artists their real names. You're risking to accidentally get them to come to your town and make a show concert right under your window. The only way to get them to leave is to blast parabola, and with the first note, the heads of all the pop fans will explode with the power of a pumpkin being hit with a baseball bat.
• If you get your hands on a guitar, you simply must play and sing Maynard's Dick. Meanwhile observe the facial expressions of others.
• Your speech must be full of quotes by Maynard, Tool faq, and Tibet's book of the dead. It doesn't matter if your listener never heard of either.
• If your metalhead friends aren't impressed with Too, tell them they used to play Grindcore.
• If some teen tells you that Linkin Park is real music, kill him.
• Actually no, a spit is enough.
• If some teen tells you that Limp Bizkit is real music, kill him.
• And don't expect me to change my mind - kill him!!!
• If someone asks you tho think of a number, it has to me 13 or 666. Just because people dislike them.
• When someone asks you to think of a 5-digit number, it has to be 13666 or 66613. Even cooler this way.
• Teletubbies and pokemons are evil. These monsters must be destroyed in a way as brutal as possible.
• After each glass of beer ask your friends if anyone's third eye opened yet. Don't explain where it should open, just play the Parabola video.
• Try to convince all people who study biology that you have 48 chromosomes.
• Toolphile is a diagnose. Use this term!
• After each hangover play Sober - first step to sober lifestyle.
• If you meet a tool fan of opposite sex, time to think about marriage.
• You must whistle enough Tool songs to make a whole tribute album.
• Practicing black magic on a Britney Spears doll can be fun.
• Remember, apocalypse will come in year 2019. Good think Tool probably will release another album by then.
• You must remember birthdays of Maynard, Adam, Justin, Danny and even Paul by heart, even though you're not sure how old your sister is.
• You must get a guitar to practice playing Maynard's Dick. Good guitar = good guitar. Bad guitar = good firewood.
• Even if a Tool song has no words, you're not sure of it's exact meaning.
• People who know you think you're either a satanist, alien or a maniac-pedophile. Some think you're all of the above.
• Your friends think that Maynard is a relative of yours - they heard that much about him.
• You get toolgasms more than orgasms.
• If any of these rules applies to you, it's a bad sign. If all of them apply that means your homepage is set to toolshed.down.net
• If you don't understand something in Tool's lyrics, read Tool faq.
• If you don't understand something in these rules, read Tool faq.
• If you don't understand something in Tool faq, read Tool faq version 1.7.

It kind of reminds me of that Rules of Prog Metal thingy or whatever. Very funny.