Brain Cramps

"I want to be the peace president." --President George W. Bush

Okay, not as funny as the rest...except in a sad, ironic sort of way.

Real headline in a peruvian tabloid: Unidentified man appears dead inside a trunk of a car with six stab wounds, Peruvian Police suspects suicide.

Nancy Reagan: I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.

Iván

"The internet is a great way to get on the net":BOB DOLE

"Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees!":JASON KIDD DALLAS MAVERICKS

its true!! most of Australias imports do come from overseas.....just one of many dumb comments from our politicians!!!!

danbo wrote: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

She REALLY said that?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDH She's SO DUMB

"It's wonderful to be here in the great State of Chicago"

-- Jennifer López, 2000

Question: "Which personage would you like to meet?"

Answer: "Definitely, I'd like to meet Lady Dy... fortunately she's already dead!"

-- Alexia Zambrano, Miss Colombia Pageant 2000

Question: "If there was a nuclear holocaust, who will you choose (man and woman), to preserve the human species? “

Answer: "The Pope and Mother Theresa of Calcutta”

-- Carolina Zúñiga, Miss Chile Pageant 2001

Question: "Do you believe that all beautiful women are dumb?"

Answer: "No, there are also ugly ones that happen to be dumb"

-- Paris Hilton

Question: "Where would you like to travel and why?"

Answer: "To Rome, because that's the homeland of our Lord Jesus Christ "

-- Shakira

Question: "What's your favorite type of music?"

Answer: "The one that comes in CDs!"

-- Nicole Newman

"Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar."
- Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

"After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."
- Sign in a British office.

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- Sign in Men's clothing store

"MIDNIGHT BOWLING SATURDAY AT 9 P.M."
- Sign outside bowling alley in Lakewood, CO

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi

"This Is The Gate Of Heaven, Enter Ye All By This Door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.  Please use side entrance.)
- Sign on church door

"We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)"
- Sign on door of repair shop

"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride."
- St. Louis Post-Dispatch, headline (should have read "bridge')

"Better make it six, I can't eat eight."
- Dan Osinski, Baseball pitcher, when a waitress asked if he   wanted his pizza cut into six or eight slices

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history.  But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-PresidentIt isn't pollution that i

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield

"Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives.  I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has has such a significance for so many."
- David Hasselhoff, Actor

"All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath."
- David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

"Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison."
- Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated

"We're just physically not physical enough."
- Denny Crum,  Louisville basketball coach

"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
- Detroit Daily News

"What we have is two important values in conflict: freedom of speech and our desire for healthy campaigns and a healthy democracy.  You can't have both."
- Dick Gephardt, Missouri representative

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win."
- Doug Collins, basketball commentator

"We are trying to change the 1974 Constitution, whenever that was passed."
- Donald Kennard, Louisiana state representative

"We don't want balloons, the plastics, the horror!"
- Doug Heller, Green Party media coordinator

"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not
there?"
- Driver school applicant

These are all ascribed to HRH Prince Philip (always a great source of utterly xenophobic brain cramps);

"British women can't cook."

"What do you gargle with - pebbles?" (Said to Tom Jones after the The Royal Variety Performance).

"If you stay here much longer you'll all get slitty eyed." (Said to British students in China.)

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" (Said to a driving instructor in Scotland.)

"You managed not to get eaten, then?" (Said to a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea.)

"Do you still throw spears at each other?" (Said to an Australian Aborigine.)

"You were playing your instruments, weren't you? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?" (Said to a childrens band in Australia.)

"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (Said to a blind woman with a guide dog.)

"It looks like it was put in by Indians. (Said after he saw a fusebox.)

"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary.)

"If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine the Cantonese will eat it." (Said at a World Wildlife Fund meeting.)

"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (Said to an islander in the Cayman Islands.)

"Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world." (Said in Thailand, after accepting a conservation award.)

"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf." (Said to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band.)

"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." (Said during the 1981 recession.)

"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (Said amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting.)

"Bloody silly fool!" (Was referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who failed to recognise him.)

"You are a woman, aren't you?" (Said in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift.)

"You look like you're ready for bed!" (Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional muslim robes. )

"If people feel it has no further part to play, then for goodness' sake, let's end the thing on amicable terms without having a row about it." (on sentiment against the British monarchy)

David Beckham;

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be Christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven."

Kevin Keegan;

"The Germans only have one player under twenty-two and he's twenty-three."

"There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely wont be playing tomorrow."

"These things happen. Over a season, you know, you'll get goals disallowed that are good, you'll get goals that are good disallowed. It happens."

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. But leukaemia is worse still. Probably."

"For some it's the ultimate job, for others it's the last job."

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"We managed to wrong a few rights."

Steve Cram, (athlete);

"This is speed, power, grace - use whatever adjective you like about this woman."

"Well, we wrote this song - but it didn't have any words, or a melody." - Robbie Williams.

"Well, Clive, it's all about thr two Ms, movement and positioning." - Ron Atkinson.  (Football commentator)

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer (footballer)