Shred Room 57: Spilling Soup On The Velvet Suit

a circle jerk? 

It appears I have fallen for my roommate. She had a romantic rendezvous a few weeks ago, which was a bit unusual for her, and has been talking to the guy since. Also, she has begun to show interest in other men via online dating apps. This hasn't been the case for the extent of our time living together (years). But the initial incident has really f**ked me up. It's ruined by sleep, my appetite, I am constantly filled with nervous energy, and can't focus on anything. Everything reminds of me it and it feels like I can't escape it. 

And what makes it worse is, I feel like I am losing the close connection I had with her before this. Ever since the pandemic started I feel like we grew pretty close. We have real conversations, spend time together, and just talk/laugh/etc alot more than we did when we first moved in together. But now...she is spending more time alone in her room, with the door closed, away from me. (I may have contributed to this by being alittle too defensive/inquisitive about some things.) I just can't help feeling that she is focusing all of her time and attention on these other people and doesn't want me in the way. So not only does it feel like I'm losing a romantic interest, I am also losing one of my closest friendships. 

A problem of course is, I'm very unattractive and she has never expressed any romantic interest in me. Every time I try to be suggestive in that matter, she either laughs awkwardly or just ignores it completely. The obvious issue is, if I reveal how I feel she will probably be freaked out and will not want to be roommates anymore, if not not be friends anymore. Both of which would be devastating to me. 

I generally wouldn't write such an honest and frank post in a public way like this, but I really feel close to the edge here. I have lost love before but I don't recall being so close to being mentally shattered like this. I just needed to talk about this to someone and ask for any advice or whatever in how to go forward with this situation. 

I have one of these once a day.

Now is the time to record vocals.