Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)

A rock musician plays 3 chords in front of 3000 people.
A jazz musician plays 3000 chords in front of 3 people. ;p

A wrong note played once is a mistake. Two times - it's jazz.

I like the story Jack Tracy relates in the liner notes to the Jazz Messengers' "Roots & Herbs": Once, when the Messengers were in their station wagon on one of those seemingly interminable trips between dates, they came to the outskirts of a small town and, seeing a goodly crowd gathered, got out to stretch their legs and see what was happening. It was a funeral. The moved up closer. Intoned the minister, "Does anyone have anything to say before we inter these mortal remains?" Silence. Again the question was asked. Again, silence. At which point they say Art stepped forward and said huskily, "If there is nothing anyone wants to say about the deceased, I hope no one here minds if I say a few words about jazz."

As long as the answer doesn't include Ant Blakey and The Jazz Messengers.

BaldFriede wrote: It doesn't. Here we go: A precision mechanic and electrician is doing 20 years in Folsom for murdering his wife. He has only two more years to go when an ant comes into his cell and climbs up his tin bowl while he is eating. It explores the bowl with its feelers, and he thinks: "It looks as if it is drumming". The ant appears every day, and he decides to build an ant-sized drum kit for it in the prison workshop. It is adjusted to ant anatomy not only in size but also in shape and has several levels. The top level is cymbals only, the second level is made of toms, the third level consists of snare, a side drum, a few more toms and the cymbals of the hi-hat, the lowest level has bass drum and the hi-hat pedal. He also builds tiny microphones and speakers, a tiny amplyfier and a tiny stool for the ant to sit on. When he has finished building the equipment for the ant he puts it on the table in his cell. When the ant appears it moves around the kit, finally sits down on the stool and starts drumming with its six legs and two feelers. It plays way better than any drummer that ever lived and can very well be heard. When the man is finally released he puts the drum kit, the equipment and the ant into a box, goes to a fancy restaurant, orders an exquisite meal and a good bottle of wine and puts the drum equipment with the ant on the table, where it starts drumming immediately. When the waiter returns with the meal and the bottle of wine he points at the drumming ant and says: "Waiter, have you ever seen anything like this"? "No" replies the waiter, "I am terribly sorry, it won't happen again" and crushes the ant with his thumb.

Here is a jazz rock pun written by yours truly:

Known for his work with the Dave Brubeck Quartet, Paul Desmond's wit was as dry as his saxophone, and in many ways as intellectual. Desmond described his tone, “I think I had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to sound like a dry martini.”

According to Desmond's biographer, Doug Ramsey, “We were in an elevator in the Portland Hilton, waiting for the doors to close when the car jerked and dropped slightly, and a bell sounded. “What was that?” a startled woman asked. “E-flat,” Paul Desmond and I said simultaneously.”

More Paul quotes:

“Sometimes I get the feeling that there are orgies going on all over new York City, and somebody says, `Let’s call Desmond,’ and somebody else says, ‘Why bother? He’s probably home reading the Encyclopedia Britannica.'”

“Briefly, then, I’m this saxophone player from the Dave Brubeck Quartet, with which I’ve been associated with since shortly after the Crimean War. You can tell which one is me because when I’m not playing, which is surprisingly often, I’m leaning against the piano… [a little later, speaking of guitarist, Jim Hall] … hilariously easy to work with. Except he complains once in a while when I lean on the guitar.”

On being an English major who didn't pursue a literary career: “I could only write at the beach, and I kept getting sand in my typewriter.”

On what accounts for his melancholy playing style: “Wellllll, the fact that I’m not playing better.”

“I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.”

“I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.”

On the subject of fashion models: “Sometimes they go around with guys who are scuffling — for a while. But usually they end up marrying some cat with a factory. This is the way the world ends, not with a whim but a banker.”

“I was unfashionable before anyone knew who I was.”

"We used to get on planes, and they'd ask who we were, and we'd say, 'The Dave Brubeck Quartet', and they'd say, 'Who?' In later years they'd say, 'Oh', which amounts to the same thing."

And finally, not funny, but Paul's great quote on 'how to play jazz': "Milton, of all people, gave the most perfect definition of the state of mind required to play jazz: 'with wanton heed and giddy cunning.' That's how you play jazz."