How to deal with difficult members on here

“Move out of your parent's place and get a life. If you feel the need to start threads on this site, make sure they'll generally interesting and relevant. Otherwise, expect negativity, Giggles.”

Does the member’s name begin with R?

AFlowerKingCrimson wrote: The troll is at it again.

If one of us correctly guesses who you are talking about, would you say so?

dougmcauliffe wrote: siLLy puPPy wrote: My advice is call them every offensive name you can conjure up, get banned from the site and then you won't have to worry about it any longer! Problem solved (in case it's not obvious, i'm totally kidding of course!) Just drop the word "boomer," it'll instantly start a flame war

Hugues, I've met you and hereby proclaim you as an honorary boomer with the right to take offense when others minimize and dismiss us by just referring to us as members of a maligned group which somehow explains away all our opinions and actions in their simplistic arguments.  We must reclaim that word!

Edited by kenethlevine - December 30 2020 at 18:05

Strung up, tarred and feathered then pummeled to death using Twinkies........

There are difficult members in virtually every forum; deal with it (rather/more than dealing with them).

^^ Thanks Pedro, I love that we both share a love of film, and I really do get a lot out of what you write. Some people seem to have very short attention spans and some just don't connect the dots like others do and make the same associations.

^^ I seem to agree with you Nick on most everything you post (it wont work reversely cause I post a lot of crap that I don't even agree with and will see if some of it sticks) -- I tried to respond to one of your posts yesterday, spent over an hour writing it and then felt it wasn't good enough so I didn't post it. With three more hours I could have edited it into something cohesive and of value. Some writers say, don't worry about the first draft, nobody reads it, it comes together better on subsequent ones, but when posting most of us are reading people's first drafts (and only draft except if one is here
a long time then one tends to repeat oneself again and again, not in quite the same words, but the song remains the same).

Language is surely an issue, and cultural differences, I think to an extent. And experiences. I might be referencing something in my post that another does not get. I use a lot of plays-on-words on my good days, and I don't usually point them out, and another might well miss the humorous intent. I also come from a place where it is common to rib each other. It's playful rather than mean-spirited. We make fun of ourselves and our friends at times. A good friend will understand that and play along.

And it comes down to individual personality, if one is distracted, if one is stressed, and if people aren't making the same associations. I've had many native English speakers totally misunderstand my intent. Many with English as a second language here I have found to be the most grokful (I love Stranger in a Strange Land) and nuanced of thinkers. It's the nuance, as well as plays on words, that can be hard for those not fluent in the language. Sometimes for all it's just plain careless reading, or not thinking it through before writing it down. Often that which one thinks is obvious and implied is totally missed, and instead it is thought that one is "saying" (writing more properly) something very different with very different intent. And sometimes people really are very loose with what they think others are saying and come to strange conclusions and very odd inferences (just miss the point completely).

We're not mind-readers, and we all can miss the other's point and intent. One should be careful with assumptions and if in doubt, maybe read it through a few times and try to think about it from different angles (then see which approach makes the most sense). That can be fun as it becomes like an intellectual game.

I like it when we can all be there for each other to try to clear up any potential misconceptions (PMs are for one-on-one conversations at the forum, the rest acts as group discussion where anyone can join in on a conversation if they have something relevant to say), to offer different interpretations and perspectives.

My thing commonly is that if what the other writes generally seems totally illogical or obviously wrong, I'm probably just not being sensible enough when it comes to figuring out what they that person is trying to convey (maybe not making the right associations) so I won't quickly assume that what they are writing comes from a fault in their thinking or a misinterpretation. So try to put in the strongest form possible that makes the most sense.

Often people miss out on the context, and that is often because they haven't read carefully enough through that post or by reading through a thread to see how it links to what others have been saying.

As my wife often tells me, think it through first before you speak, then consider not speaking at all. ;)

I think the answer to having genuinely good conversation (dialectic) is having more and more conversation, and going deeper. With patience and a little effort at trying to understand rather than quickly drawing assumptions and shooting from the hip, that can really help.

We have had members who were very thoughtless and obviously cared not about offending others through or being negative about others. Often offence is taken when none is intended, and too often people have been just plain surly and sarcastic, and seem to lack any empathy. Cultivating a sense of empathy and showing compassion is often a very important thing for me, and showing that we are actively interested and trying to be engaged with others. You often can tell when people are not really listening or paying attention or taking the time to read through a topic before responding. This can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Misunderstandings can lead to a lot of offence. I think we all want to feel like we're understood, like people are getting us, and when people feel that they are not being understood, they might lash out in anger due to the frustration or evoke the unholy face palm (worse than any Alien face hugger).

We have to recognise that we all have different psyches and means of expression, lived experiences, and sometimes people are going through really hard times and that is reflected in the posts. I think one should try to be charitable in interpretation, and to steelman each other's ideas as much as possible rather than strawman when debating serious issues (that leads to stronger arguments and seems a better way to seek truth to me).

One does need a thick-skin, and even genuine insults can have their place.

^ That works. In at least once case I think that was someone's genuine strategy.

By the way, for me there used to be nothing more fun than not only watching but participating in flame wars, but for me it was all in fun. Others took it much more seriously.

Sorry, this is very long winded and all over the place and definitely could do with serval more drafts. And I actually don't expect people to read through when I ramble. I'm not a sadist. For some with English as a second language, even though I keep my word choice quite simple, it would be a nightmare to try to read and understand (I can be very incoherent when not formally writing).

Edited by Logan - December 30 2020 at 11:53