Jokes - Dare you be crucified!

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted........

A daffodil, a plastic sparrow and a bowl of cold custard walk in to a bar. The bartender yells, "Oi! what kind of a joke is this?!"

What's stucco?
     What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

What has three balls and flies through space?
    E.T. The Extra Testicle!

Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven is a registered six offender.

Edited by Slartibartfast - January 20 2014 at 18:53

Did you here the one about the dyslexic pimp ?? He bought a wharehouse

• Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
  A: Shoot One.
• Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
  A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.
• Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
  A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
• Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
  A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
• Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
  A: Both suck when you plug them in.
• Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
• Q: How many Nashville guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
• Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
  A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes causing him to develop tough callouses on his feet. He rarely ate and so became frail. When he did eat, he only ate fruit, giving him foul-smelling breath. I suppose one could call him a "super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis."

Did you hear about the Parisian coffee scandal? It's put the French press in a buzz.

Steak puns are a rare medium well done.


Edited by Polymorphia - January 21 2014 at 17:51

martinprog77 wrote: Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison? A: Shoot One. Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door? A: By the Dominos Pizza hat. Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Q: How do you know when the stage is level? A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common? A: Both suck when you plug them in. Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They just steal somebody else's light. Q: How many Nashville guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!" Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp? A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

May I add to this?

How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
Put some sheet music in front of him.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, a piano player can do it with his left hand.

What does a piano player use for contraception?
His personality.

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door?
He slows down.

EDIT: That maths one was a belter!


Edited by The Pessimist - January 21 2014 at 17:55

A horse walked into a bar.  The bartender said "hey."















The horse said "sure."