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Chris S View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes - Dare you be crucified!
    Posted: January 20 2014 at 02:16
An Irish athlete walks up to a man at the Olympic games and asks him " Are you a Pole Vaulter?"
The man pauses and replies " No I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Cool
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 20 2014 at 03:23
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted........
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 20 2014 at 10:01
A gin and tonic walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve drinks here".
My other avatar is a Porsche

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

-Kehlog Albran
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 20 2014 at 10:56
A daffodil, a plastic sparrow and a bowl of cold custard walk in to a bar. The bartender yells, "Oi! what kind of a joke is this?!"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 20 2014 at 12:26
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Larry?"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 20 2014 at 18:48
What's stucco?
     What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

What has three balls and flies through space?
    E.T. The Extra Testicle!

Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven is a registered six offender.



Edited by Slartibartfast - January 20 2014 at 18:53
Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened...

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 02:40
Haha they are all good one liners, inane and funny. Larry the Grasshopper steals it so far methinks!  Wish people to could do some more, sigh
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 06:09
Did you here the one about the dyslexic pimp ?? He bought a wharehouse
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 08:15
What is the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe? A canoe tips.

I am not anti-semantic. Some of my best friends are words.

You know what they say about Hitler? The fewer, the better.

You know that the great composers of the past were composing-know what they are doing now? Decomposing.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 13:23
"Moriarty, where are you?"
"Here. In the piano"
"What the devil are you doing in there?"
"I'm hidin' "
"Don't be silly, Haydn's been dead for years."
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 13:33
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first one orders a half a beer.  The second one orders a fourth of a beer.  The third one orders an eighth of a beer.  The fourth one orders a sixteenth of a beer.  The bartender stops them and pours a single beer and says, "you guys should know your limit."

or something like that.


Edited by HolyMoly - January 21 2014 at 13:34
My other avatar is a Porsche

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

-Kehlog Albran
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 16:32
  • Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
    A: Shoot One.
  • Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
    A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.
  • Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
    A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
  • Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
    A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
  • Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
    A: Both suck when you plug them in.
  • Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
  • Q: How many Nashville guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
  • Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
    A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Nothing can last
there are no second chances.
Never give a day away.
Always live for today.


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:27
What do you get when you throw a Grand piano down a mine shaft?  A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a Grand piano down an army base? A flat major.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?   IT DOESN'T MATTER!Angry

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:29
4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:44
Originally posted by HolyMoly HolyMoly wrote:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.  The first one orders a half a beer.  The second one orders a fourth of a beer.  The third one orders an eighth of a beer.  The fourth one orders a sixteenth of a beer.  The bartender stops them and pours a single beer and says, "you guys should know your limit."

or something like that.
LOL
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:50
Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes causing him to develop tough callouses on his feet. He rarely ate and so became frail. When he did eat, he only ate fruit, giving him foul-smelling breath. I suppose one could call him a "super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis."

Did you hear about the Parisian coffee scandal? It's put the French press in a buzz.

Steak puns are a rare medium well done.


Edited by Polymorphia - January 21 2014 at 17:51
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:54
Originally posted by martinprog77 martinprog77 wrote:


  • Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
since the advent of modern LED light bulbs lead guitarists don't change bulbs at all, they do however spend a lot of time saying how much better the old glass bulbs were. The rest of the time they are arguing over whether Hendrix, Clapton or Page would have done it better.


...so to my least favourite instrument

What's perfect pitch?
...when you can lob a pedal steel guitar into a pit without hitting the rim.

Did you hear about the pedal steel guitarist who claimed he could play 32nd notes, no one believed him so he proved it by playing one.

How do you get a pedal steel guitarist to play slowly?
... give him sheet music to play.

What's the difference between a woman and a pedal steel guitar?
...eventually the woman will stop whining.

Vibrato - a pedal steel guitarist trying to find the note.

Pedal steel guitarists spend half their time tuning and half their time playing out of tune.


What?
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:55
Originally posted by martinprog77 martinprog77 wrote:

  • Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
    A: Shoot One.
  • Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
    A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.
  • Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
    A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
  • Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
    A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
  • Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
    A: Both suck when you plug them in.
  • Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.
  • Q: How many Nashville guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
  • Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
    A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.


May I add to this?

How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
Put some sheet music in front of him.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, a piano player can do it with his left hand.

What does a piano player use for contraception?
His personality.

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door?
He slows down.

EDIT: That maths one was a belter!


Edited by The Pessimist - January 21 2014 at 17:55
"Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value."

Arnold Schoenberg
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 18:12
So... this guy goes up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mesa Boogie head, a 4 x 12 cab, one PRS custom 24 in black gold burst, a vintage American Strat, a Jim Dunlop Cry Baby and a set of the best leads money can buy"... The chap behind the counter nods appreciatively and then says "You're Phil Collins aren't you?" "Yes" says Phil sheepishly, "How'd you guess?"






..."because this is Pizza Hut."
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 21 2014 at 20:33
A horse walked into a bar.  The bartender said "hey."















The horse said "sure."
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