The true origin of the Swiss. A historical satire

the Swiss are a strange people. extremely tidy and precise, neutral in war, a strange German dialect and the cuckoo-clock. the reason for this strangeness can only be understood historically. I will tell the story now. mark that when I mention France, Italy and Germany I don't mean the actual states as they are today; they did not exist at that time. I mean the territory these states have today.

originally the Swiss were a fierce war tribe. they worshiped a huge idol with a fierce hawk's head named Huitzilipochtili as their God of War. actually it was not really a statue but a gigantic jack-in-the box. for some reason the mechanism of that jack-in-the-box broke because they had not maintained it enough, and they were unable to repair it. they could not put  the statue back in the box; it just stood there erect. but that jumping out of the box was an extremely important part of their rituals.

so when the Swiss were attacked by the Aztecs they had lost all faith and took to their heels. they fled all across the sea to the region of Genoa in Italy. but they were driven off there too. they crossed the Alps and wound up in France, but were soon driven back to the Alps by the French. then they tried to cross into Germany, but again they were driven off. these wars took several  years though, and they picked up the languages during them.

so they finally had to settle in the Alps. they tried to rebuild the statue of Huitzilipochtili, but all they managed was to create much smaller versions of it. but they were fine craftsmen, so they started to build clocks instead. and in some of these clocks they incorporated their God of War, and it became the cuckoo clock.

since they had been beaten by all their neighbors the Swiss settled for a policy of strict neutrality. and all the effort that had once gone into building war machines and weapons was now put into tidying up the wilderness they lived in. thus Switzerland became the tidy county we know today.

the original language of the Swiss was extremely guttural, and when they adopted German they pronounced it with these guttural sounds. it also had many nouns ending with the syllable "li", which is why the Swiss add it to many of the German nouns they use.

the Aztecs were amazed by the fierce looking statue, and soon they began worshiping it as their own God of War.

that is the story of the origin of the Swiss. tongue-in-cheek, of course, but I like to tell it with a straight face. it was actually inspired by the really strong resemblance of the name "Huitzilipochtili" to the Swiss dialect of German


Edited by BaldJean - August 19 2013 at 05:23

CPicard wrote: I thought Swiss was founded by aliens from the moon (which is made of cheese, as everyone knows it)

CPicard wrote: I thought Swiss was founded by aliens from the moon (which is made of cheese, as everyone knows it)

The Swiss do seem to like something about aliens.