SR XLVIII: Our Jimmies Are Eternal

 

But my mind keeps telling me over and over how sh*tty I am. Today I had to crank weird music really loud on my headphones to keep my mind at bay (like I do everyday) But today I kept telling myself I could never be a good father, and even though I know I don't really want to be one. I eat food that is awful for me because one half of me relishes in my misery and wants to further perpetuate the hatred I have developed for myself by letting my body rot in filth and to fill it with filth. "FILTH" my mind says to me as I'm eating these things. I am not happy while I'm eating. In fact, I really dislike eating with other people even in the room. Because while I kinda have grown to both love and loathe developing self-hatred, I loathe the seeing eye of others. As though I don't really want to exist around them.

 

In fact, I don't really want to exist at all most of the time. At least one half of my mind tells me this.

 

I just delve deeper and deeper into insanity everyday. I miss human touch and I miss touching women haha- not even caring who that woman is.

 

Every morning I wake up and I catch myself mumbling things to myself without realizing I'm doing. I sing in the shower "I hate you, Hate you greg so much. Fat ugly f**k fat ugly f**k." Amazing little showtunes, mind you. The melodies are great.

 

My life is full of great melodies. I love them. I want more melodies and less hellodies (Copyright 2012).

 

I lost my producer on this album. Well, not for sure. But no one I know can even come close to his quality. I REFUSE TO HAVE LESS QUALITY FOR BANSHEEFACE.

 

Music is the only reason I don't kill myself. Literally everyday I think this to myself.

 

I call the suicide hotline like once a week or every other week. Sometimes I pretend to be someone else that's suicidal and I just f**k with them. But when I'm crying to them the tears are real. most of the time I call them though and I tell them how stressed I am.

 

Everyones loves me that I know. I have hundreds of numbers in my phone. I have 1 friend at least every day call me to hang out. Yet I constantly assume everyone hates me. I know they don't.

 

Basically, I'm a crazy person. I love music. I don't want your pity, or sympathy. I REALLY don't like the idea of opening up to a support group just so you can feel love from everyone. I might be pathetic, but I don't want to FEEL pathetic. But I also want to feel pathetic because I deserve it. Shamepathy. (Copyright 2012)

 

Honestly, I just didnt want to have to call the suicide hotline on my way home because I have other calls to make and sh*t to do. Plus, its exhausting explaining to a different person every other week.

 

Mostly I feel shame and guilt for being alive. SHAME SHAME GUILT GUILTY. My parents are good people. They did their best. They deserve to know their son is happy but I can't even pretend around them. There's no way.

 

Missouri is not just a location. It is how I feel. Haha

 

Humans should not feel guilty for being alive. We didnt choose to be alive. Yet we sit there and hate. Or at least I do.

 

I also know those feels 

Unless the question is "What's the one thing you should never do?"