How good a cook are you?

Dean wrote: Jim Garten wrote: Dean wrote: The only cooking I'm not a fan of is grilling or barbeque - that's not cooking in my estimation, that's a revival of the viking practice of outdoor cremation Especially when a novice BBQ cook decides to do chicken without pre cooking it first, so you get that wonderful delicacy, 'double crunch chicken' (ie burnt on the outside & still frozen inside) No, that wasn't me... Sausages are another - carbonated on the outside - still squealing on the inside (the tapeworm lava, not the pig meat). Boil the buggers for 10 minutes on the £750 gas/electric stove in the kitchen before even attempting to set fire to them on an open fire.

Burgers!

Made from decent minced beef, onions, herbs, spices, free range egg for binding (the burgers, not.... well, you know...), maybe a dash of tabasco or some finely shredded naga if you feel adventurous - absolutely glorious... until given to the guy wearing an 'amusing' pinny, standing by an open fire pit (with the regulation 10 years worth of accumulated carbon deposits on the grill) in your garden, where he will then convert such succulent fare to a piece of tasteless cardboard, to be served with some horribly foreshortened greenery which at some point in the dim and distant past, went under the name 'salad' (mayonnaise & cigarette ash dressing optional)... ... probably in the rain.

Civilised man built kitchens inside his dwellings for a reason, I believe...

Never even gave it a shot.

I've not yet burned down the house. 

I don't cook, yet.

Padraic wrote: Jim Garten wrote: Dean wrote: Jim Garten wrote: Dean wrote: The only cooking I'm not a fan of is grilling or barbeque - that's not cooking in my estimation, that's a revival of the viking practice of outdoor cremation Especially when a novice BBQ cook decides to do chicken without pre cooking it first, so you get that wonderful delicacy, 'double crunch chicken' (ie burnt on the outside & still frozen inside) No, that wasn't me... Sausages are another - carbonated on the outside - still squealing on the inside (the tapeworm lava, not the pig meat). Boil the buggers for 10 minutes on the £750 gas/electric stove in the kitchen before even attempting to set fire to them on an open fire. Burgers! Made from decent minced beef, onions, herbs, spices, free range egg for binding (the burgers, not.... well, you know...), maybe a dash of tabasco or some finely shredded naga if you feel adventurous - absolutely glorious... until given to the guy wearing an 'amusing' pinny, standing by an open fire pit (with the regulation 10 years worth of accumulated carbon deposits on the grill) in your garden, where he will then convert such succulent fare to a piece of tasteless cardboard, to be served with some horribly foreshortened greenery which at some point in the dim and distant past, went under the name 'salad' (mayonnaise & cigarette ash dressing optional)... ... probably in the rain. Civilised man built kitchens inside his dwellings for a reason, I believe... Talk like this makes me glad we declared independence.

You should have waited, wave a half-cooked "wiener" in a soggy bun covered in some yellow slop that is vaguely related to mustard under our noses and we'd have cast you adrift sooner rather than later.

I boil water like no other...

Padraic wrote: Dean wrote: Padraic wrote: Jim Garten wrote: Dean wrote: Jim Garten wrote: Dean wrote: The only cooking I'm not a fan of is grilling or barbeque - that's not cooking in my estimation, that's a revival of the viking practice of outdoor cremation Especially when a novice BBQ cook decides to do chicken without pre cooking it first, so you get that wonderful delicacy, 'double crunch chicken' (ie burnt on the outside & still frozen inside) No, that wasn't me... Sausages are another - carbonated on the outside - still squealing on the inside (the tapeworm lava, not the pig meat). Boil the buggers for 10 minutes on the £750 gas/electric stove in the kitchen before even attempting to set fire to them on an open fire. Burgers! Made from decent minced beef, onions, herbs, spices, free range egg for binding (the burgers, not.... well, you know...), maybe a dash of tabasco or some finely shredded naga if you feel adventurous - absolutely glorious... until given to the guy wearing an 'amusing' pinny, standing by an open fire pit (with the regulation 10 years worth of accumulated carbon deposits on the grill) in your garden, where he will then convert such succulent fare to a piece of tasteless cardboard, to be served with some horribly foreshortened greenery which at some point in the dim and distant past, went under the name 'salad' (mayonnaise & cigarette ash dressing optional)... ... probably in the rain. Civilised man built kitchens inside his dwellings for a reason, I believe... Talk like this makes me glad we declared independence.   You should have waited, wave a half-cooked "wiener" in a soggy bun covered in some yellow slop that is vaguely related to mustard under our noses and we'd have cast you adrift sooner rather than later. All I'm saying is when I burn toast I don't blame the toaster.

I have a Dualit toaster - I think the chances of me burning toast are pretty slim. Give a lump of bread to the guy in the 'amusing' pinny stood over half an oil drum filled with searing white-hot charcoal and I'll wager the price of said Dualit toaster that the end result will resemble  in a perfect balance of carbonated and raw bread that, while being at one with the Universe in its idealised symmetry, will be completely inedible (and mildly carcinogenic). I'm not blaming the fiery pit of hell, just the half-inebriated comedy chef stood over it who wouldn't be seen dead cooking a normal meal in a normal kitchen.

Edited by Dean - December 06 2011 at 16:17

Talented, but unambitious. Not sure how I'd rate that. 

Dean wrote: Sausages are another - carbonated on the outside - still squealing on the inside (the tapeworm lava, not the pig meat). Boil the buggers for 10 minutes on the £750 gas/electric stove in the kitchen before even attempting to set fire to them on an open fire.

Hold on; you're speaking of uncured, unsmoked sausages?   Those are a travesty and not worth the money; smoked or cured is always tastier and it doesn't matter how long you cook them for.

Jim Garten wrote: Burgers! Made from decent minced beef, onions, herbs, spices, free range egg for binding (the burgers, not.... well, you know...), maybe a dash of tabasco or some finely shredded naga if you feel adventurous - absolutely glorious... until given to the guy wearing an 'amusing' pinny, standing by an open fire pit (with the regulation 10 years worth of accumulated carbon deposits on the grill) in your garden, where he will then convert such succulent fare to a piece of tasteless cardboard, to be served with some horribly foreshortened greenery which at some point in the dim and distant past, went under the name 'salad' (mayonnaise & cigarette ash dressing optional)... ... probably in the rain. Civilised man built kitchens inside his dwellings for a reason, I believe...

a real burger contains nothing but ground beef and salt&pepper (maybe a bit of powdered or minced onion) then griddled, grilled or pan-fried.   That's it.   Anything else is more like meatballs or meatloaf.