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Slartibartfast 
Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / In Memoriam
Joined: April 29 2006
Location: Atlantais
Status: Offline
Points: 29630
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 Posted: July 27 2011 at 19:22 |
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"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my
money?'" –Craig Ferguson
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Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened... 
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zappaholic
Forum Senior Member
Joined: March 24 2006
Location: flyover country
Status: Offline
Points: 2822
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Posted: July 27 2011 at 19:40 |
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How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
100. One to change the bulb and 99 to stand there and say "I could have done that."
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Oregon?
One to change the bulb, and 50,000 hippies to come up from California to "share the experience".
If Pro is the opposite of Con, what's the opposite of the Constitution?
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"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard." -- H.L. Mencken
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thellama73
Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: May 29 2006
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 8368
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Posted: July 27 2011 at 20:14 |
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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EchidnasArf
Forum Senior Member
Joined: July 04 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Status: Offline
Points: 376
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Posted: July 28 2011 at 03:13 |
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Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
HA! ha.. yeah.
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AtomicCrimsonRush
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: July 02 2008
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 14258
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 03:25 |
2 elephants fall off a cliff...
BOOM BOOM!
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N-sz
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 28 2011
Location: NH
Status: Offline
Points: 344
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 11:37 |
"I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said "heaven", so I hit him." -Steven Wright
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Earendil
Forum Senior Member
Joined: November 17 2008
Location: Indiana, USA
Status: Offline
Points: 1584
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 16:10 |
What did the big buffalo say to the little buffalo when he left for work?
Bison.
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Sheavy
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: March 28 2010
Location: Alabama
Status: Offline
Points: 2866
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 16:12 |
 Falx wrote:
Spotted on Miss Cellania's blog today...
Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
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Vompatti
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: October 22 2005
Location: elsewhere
Status: Offline
Points: 67407
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 16:23 |
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Andy Webb
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin
Joined: June 04 2010
Location: Terria
Status: Offline
Points: 13298
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 16:25 |
Sheavy wrote:
Falx wrote:
Spotted on Miss Cellania's blog today...
Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
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Similar one: "Let's eat, Gramma!" and "Let's eat Gramma!" Grammer. It saves Lives.
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moreitsythanyou
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: April 23 2006
Location: NYC
Status: Offline
Points: 11682
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 16:45 |
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What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers."
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 <font color=white>butts, lol[/COLOR]
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8650
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 16:54 |
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
IT DOESN'T MATTER!!
What was the name of the communist Beatle's fan?
John Lenin
Did you hear about the hooker that joined the military?
She assumed a new position.
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8650
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 17:00 |
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"You know, i have a joke that's so quick tha-"
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Andy Webb
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin
Joined: June 04 2010
Location: Terria
Status: Offline
Points: 13298
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Posted: July 31 2011 at 17:18 |
moreitsythanyou wrote:
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers."
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that's awesome 
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AtomicCrimsonRush
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: July 02 2008
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 14258
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Posted: August 01 2011 at 05:31 |
groaners here
another...
knock knock
whos there
centipede
centipede who
'Santa peed' down the chimney
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8650
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Posted: August 01 2011 at 10:42 |
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what do you get when you drop a Grand Piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
You know what they say about Hitler?
the fewer the better
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Luna
Forum Senior Member
Joined: July 28 2010
Location: Funky Town
Status: Offline
Points: 12794
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Posted: August 01 2011 at 11:31 |
Andyman1125 wrote:
Sheavy wrote:
Falx wrote:
Spotted on Miss Cellania's blog today...
Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
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Similar one: "Let's eat, Gramma!" and "Let's eat Gramma!" Grammer. It saves Lives. |
GRAMMAR
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The Truth
Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: April 19 2009
Location: Kansas
Status: Offline
Points: 21795
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Posted: August 01 2011 at 11:41 |
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Here's one:
1
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AtomicCrimsonRush
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: July 02 2008
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 14258
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Posted: August 14 2011 at 22:12 |
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Earendil
Forum Senior Member
Joined: November 17 2008
Location: Indiana, USA
Status: Offline
Points: 1584
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Posted: August 14 2011 at 22:32 |
That last one was clever.
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Know any quick jokes?
