Death

 

I think, that as time goes further up and my days less and less on this earth, that I might think a bit more about that, but you know what ... I'm more concerned with feeling healthy inside, and eating right, writing another film review, writing another article at progarchives, than I am about anything else.

 

I have read a lot on the subject and was a voracious reader of the Castaneda books, just like I was Crowley, Fortune, Mathers, Gurdgieff, Hesse, Buddha and all the mystics you could possibly imagine, that have ever been. While a lot of people do not care for any of these styles, in the end, Carlos had a very good analysis of the internal perception and from then on, it was about .. you either try it and do it, or you don't. And go bitch that you don't like him or his style! It all depends on the depth of your own internal constitution and desire to learn. Has absolutely nothing to do with anything else, and even a famous person we quote from the good book every day said it!

 

It is thought, in many corners of the world that death is just another stage. And I accept that. I also see the world in the same "psychic" mold that Robert Monroe had described ... a massive piece of rock with an atmosphere but with a collective "mind" that is easily 5 to 10 times bigger than the world itself, and I tend to see that a lot. And that "collective mind" is strong and sometimes bad, and might have a chance at preventing your further trip ... and many of us call this stuff "guilt" or even (heaven forbid!) religion!

 

I time trip a lot. I like to do meditations into the unknown and sometimes the "un-know-able" as Carlos calls it. The question is, for me, are these meaningful? ... and what is it from them that I want or don't want. The answer is - I don't know. But I can tell you that in those trips I see a lot more things that are not yet here on this earth in the arts, music and literature and sheer experience. What exactly that might be I can not tell you since I have no words for it, but I know how it felt and have tried to write some of these down.

 

One of the finest experiences I have ever had, was a death dream. I was at the time obsessed with dreams and their process and already I was not afraid to play with them ... I could not manipulate them per se, as Carlos was trying to do, which I think is a bit too egocentric for me ... how can you manipulate an energy around you that is not your own to have? portions of it maybe ... but even then ... but I could do some funny things with it. I could replay them movie portion and steer the results in different ways just like Jean-Luc Godard used to do ... and it cracked me up many times. It was not only fun, it was far out. But I'm not sure that many people can "mentally" enjoy a Godard and his "anti-film" concept, which started out making fun of American movies with their "preset" shots and film methods ... once you see that, you start recognize how mechanical you have become in watching movies ... and that is the reason why not many enjoy foreign films (in America), or can appreciate foreign music in the same type of style ... you are conditioned to something ... and that something is ruling your perception.

 

And someday, if you want to become a good writer and artist you have to notice that, and the first thing you will say is ... I wanna be free and not do that! ... so guess what "art" really is, after all? The distortion and the breaking of all the rules and precepts and concepts!

 

But the best part was yet to come. 

 

One day, in the screenplay class I had to come up with a scene as an assignment. I was already, then, very instinctive writer, but I did not have it set deep enough, or a steady source as yet, so it was hit and miss too much. So I decided I was going to bed early, and get up early and write something, since I like to write when the house is quiet and I can hear myself. So I fall asleep, and I start dreaming and I am driving down and hit this car on the door and I am hurt enough to die. And I wake up. And the first thing I told myself was ... you're not supposed to wake up at all, and just take the trip.

 

And the dream reset and I hit the door again and off I went. I cannot tell you where, how long, or how much, but I can tell you that it was the most peaceful sleep ever and the most enjoyable night I have ever had in bed. And when I woke up in the morning I wrote over 50 pages of what became my screenplay "To the chagrin of ... " which you can find in the Library of Congress.

 

When my father died, I had my cry a few days before the event. So on the Sunday when I was asked out of work to go see the worst horror movie of all time, I went back to work. I had already paid my tribute. And writen my poem! And on the day of the funeral with all those hundreds of dignitaries from the world over, I felt relief ... that body had "nothing" in it, and no feeling and I knew it. And on top of it, he was free of some of these people!

 

And the feeling didn't bother me, because I knew the other lively part was gone. Where it went? I'm not sure it is important or matters. What I think is important is that we handle ourselves so that we have a "happy ending", or really fast ending, so that we do not get to see what I saw, because it was ugly. Very ugly. And did not honor anything. And some people were there out of spite on top of it!

 

I have lived my life, by myself, inside of myself. I have already given all my work to the aethers and am not concerned wether any of it is ever published or not. The curse (not really a curse!, but a bet and a joke!) is that those that have denied me and did not take the time to see what this work was all about, are the ones that will regret not having seen it in time, to even say hello or have a game of tetris with! Or a quick WoW duel with! Or having shared someone's heart like they have never had the chance to do. Does it all really mean enough to them, that they would want this person with them? ... and I no longer fret if I don't get invited to the ball. My dance is in another world and place in the 24 1/2 century if you will!

 

All of my work, and this includes the writings on progressive music, poetry, all my film reviews, are all from the heart. And yes, there are times when a thought or idea or feeling that might not be too nice escapes and shows up, but in the end, it is totally honest and is not trying to circumvent the truth and the honor and the beauty of a life ... though not the happiest ... still ... has had the most visions, dreams and inner work, of anyone I know except a couple of writers I have had the good fortune of reading and learning from, and a few musicians whose music is above and beyond the space of "pop music" (something that is impossible to show/explain to many people here!), or pulp movies and novels about fantasies and cartoons. 

 

It all depends on how far you want to take yourself and your learning, doesn't it? In the end, "death" won't matter much at all ... you just go and all my records, books and every thing else will just sit there and rot until someone finds something good to do with it, or takes the money from Amazon and goes buy something else for their kids or pets!  A lot of the music still won't mean much to a lot of folks here, or otherwise.

 

Doesn't bother me. It's about the time, the place and everything around you ... and you either love it or get burnt by the sun of the revolution ... and go blind! It will be too late then to learn it all! But that is not my choice, or place in life to judge people on that. But the sadness, the anger and the lack of beauty ... will be so un-pleasant at that moment ... it's worse that death.

 

"To die, to be really dead, (pause), that would be glorious! That are far worse things awaiting men, than (pause) death!"

 

It's so true it's scary!

 

Stop worrying and live and love! And for the sake of the art ... appreciate the music for what it is ... not what it is supposed to be!  And one day we can enjoy a cup of coffee at the cafe in the sky .... where all the artists say hello to each other and get their magical suntan and moontans ... and we simply ...

It is deeper and sometimes not even defineable in the terms that a discussion like this tries to bring it off with.

 

I have liked the time with my "soul mates" and sometimes we don't even have to talk, but I can tell you that the artistic work and time together, can not even be magnified in gold or currency. The sheer beauty of it is worth every minute of it, and I have yet to look back a single second of that time! I don't think I know how, since I know it was the best ... and the best part of all? ... I knew it!

 

... ohhh, btw ... you learn quickly the difference between saying "I love you" and just throwing some words out! You can't measure that distance in the difference, btw!

 

I guess I'm just soulless, then. 

Well, it matters a bit, I'd say. I don't wish to come across as some a****le without empathy or understanding for another's pain.  I simply don't see the logic in wrapping your emotions so much in another human being that you would end up in such a way. But I understand it on an emotional level. I don't see the two as the same thing.

I did in fact feel this way about someone once upon a time; it was horrible after we ended the relationship, and I couldn't imagine how much worse I would have felt had it ended as a result of something tragic. But after the whole thing was over, I felt like I had been under a spell of sorts. Love is a type of madness where emotion often gets in the way of logic. For that reason, I try to keep myself looking at things from a realistic, practical angle. I just worry that I'm coming off as some smart-ass who thinks he knows it all. That's certainly not how I feel. 

Wasn't there a movie about this discussion?

Rob, clearly you would adopt a fat boy scout and a talking dog after going on an adventure in a jungle, and then be happy again.

Yes, logic certainly does not apply to this statement. :P