Describe your country to me

The Untied Kingdom, or the British Isles as we more often call it (since 'Untied' it is most certainly knot... and we have a Queen, not a King), is a collection of 6,289 islands made up from bits of rock left over when Europe and the Americas where formed during the Plasticine Epoch - some of the oldest and most progressive rocks in the world can be found on the British Isles, most notably in the southern regions, as documented in the song Brighton Rock by the afore mentioned monarch (or 'Queen' as she likes to be called) and its accompanying music video featuring Richard and David Attenborough (sharp-eyed viewers of that will notice that it is totally devoid of colour - this is normal and chromatic adjustments to video-playback equipment is not necessary or recommended, all of the British Isles are monochromatic and covered in a thick layer of grit, grime and of course, fog that emanates from the dark satanic mills in the north of the islands) - another interesting fact about Brighton Rock is that it was used as the inspiration for a novel by Graham Greene - a fictitious author created by The Greatest Living Welshman, John Cale, on his seminal album, Paris 1919 (named after the plaster used to render his house in Andalusia). It should also be noted that the use of "Greene" by Cale is not derived from the homophone spectral colour, (since this is a seldom seen in the islands, hence the extra “e” on the end – Britains frequently add extra e's to the end of all words to sounde more authentically British), but from the small pockets of Wasteland (from the poem of a similar name by TS Elliot) used for archery practice in most villages on the islands (as protected by Ray Davis of the The Village Greene Preservation Society - a society set-up to safeguard the manufacture jams and other fruit compotes by the institution known as the WI-fit).

The largest of the British islands would fit in the trunk of a Toyota Land Cruiser (hence its name) if you removed the rear seats and the collection of crushed soda cans you've been meaning to take to the recycling centre but haven't quite found the time for. This large island we call England. A common misconception is that Wales (etymology: Whales or Land of the Wails after their style of singing while seated on sharp tacks, known as 'eisteddfod' meaning “to sit and sing”) and bits of Scotland (etymology: Scout Land or Land of the Scoots, or “The Highlands” due to the vast numbers of psychotropic mushrooms found there) form part of this island, but that is a fallacy (or urbane myth as it is known) - Wales is confined to two smaller islands - Anglesey and Barry while Scotland is in fact only The Mull o' F'kin Tyre, a small outcrop of rock in the Atlantic Ocean owned by ex-Beadle Paul McCartney, his more famous younger brother Mike McGear and A Flock Of Seagulls. The centre of this Island of England is called Canterbury – named after the music movement of the 14^th century instigated in a caravan by the minstrel duo Geoffrey Chaucer and Mutt Lang (another little know snippet of fact is that Mutt and Geoff were profoundly hard of herring and could often be seen totally bloatered and kippered in the local fish hostelries of Whitstable near Canterbury – day trips from the Capital to Whitstable to witness this event are available on the purchase of an Oyster Card, or the Canterbury Fare as it is sometimes called) – there has been some observations of a pale red colouration to this area of England, hence it is occasionally known as the land of grey and pink – though a fair degree of artistic licence is needed to see this (weekend licences are available from all major Post Offices).

Visitors to the Isle of Britain are encouraged, and on occasion known to be welcomed; however it should be noted that it is closed at weekends and every alternate Wednesday for staff training.