The Intelligent People's Thread

@Neurotrakus: Alcohol + Internet = Tragedy.

Oh my god! Is that slice of sassy beef jerky riding a lawnmower to the moon? That is absolutely wicked, if not insane! I never expected him to graduate from preschool, much less operate an advanced motorized device such as that on a trip as difficult as this! He is not my dog, and anyone that believes so must be so shockingly stupid that they cannot find their own buttocks with a long pole with a shoe on the end of it, which would be much better used for kicking dead bodies into limpid pools of green slimy sludge! I still, to this day, dream of finding the perfect young fish to grace my plate, even though the cattle that call themselves smart popcorn buckets are trying derail my self-esteem engine, and thus I am forced to kick a pizza delivery truck off of a cliff and onto the head of a brilliant marble, who has indeed been used as cannon fodder in a game of Monopoly, you know, the version where the objective is to punt the board over the roof of whatever domicile you live in! I laugh with contempt at those who live in a large structure, like the French Eiffel Tower, because it would be nearly impossible for a human to kick such a thing as a Monopoly board over a structure of that height! Why am I always exclaiming random points that have no bearing on the world? I do not know! It is unfathomable at best! However, I have a working theory that adequately describes this puzzling phenomenon! You see, when I was a wee lad, I asked a filthy homeless man with no tangible money to buy me a glorious wooden horse that a local toy shop was selling for an extravagant price, and in return, he punched the glass on this window and gave me this large wooden horse! I then clubbed him in the face with it, and stole his worldly possessions, and sold his soul to the man known as Satan, who, by the way, has a very luxurious caterpillar named Ted, and in return for this hobo soul, Satan gave me an opera house and a stick of gum, which ironically had an entire species of small sapient toads living inside, whittling away their finite hours until the death of all things came to usher them to the legendary Spirit World, where the afterlife is simply a giant party, devoted to eating miniature hamburgers and discussing modern pseudo-politics, a popular pastime in circles and rectangles such as this, as opposed to pentagons, where the members often, out of curiosity, try to find the square root of various words, which eventually results in the mysterious process know to humans as a "brain fart", and then the mothers of said words start a massive race to the Northern edge of the former Soviet Pacific Ocean, owned my malicious mermaids with no respect for modern composers, despite constant flamethrower action from renowned psychologists such as the television personality Dr. Chucky, who cures patients mental diseases by removing their heads, a never before thought of process with a one hundred percent success rate, only slightly marred with a one hundred percent death rate! And so, when all is said and done, the auditors will emerge from the bushes and steal away your first-born video camera, which will then be trained in the arts of paper shredding, an ancient and time-honored sport known only to a certain few in it's origin form, a game involving more blood than rational thought, and indeed, irrational thought is not the objective! I cannot fathom the large amounts of dead monkeys that litter the eternal driveways of Captain Jimmy's driveway, an otherwise placid place, full of mysterious wonders such as the Eternity Tree, a small tree that contains all things, including itself in a small apple that is attached to its small but immovably cozy sternum, a wondrous gem in modern woodworking clubs! The slightly rotted machines, most with irresponsible cousins who enjoy smashing car windows, continue to menace intergalactic shipping between the warring lands of Mars and a small catlike country called Dingdongpizza! I never wanted to become part of this beautiful conglomerate of sovereign knife-wielding wedding cakes, but sometimes, a man has no choice but to suck in his courageous chocolate pudding and decide to do the right thing for the people he loves to play poker with! And yet, still, the ultimate dog is not yet related to his alleged sister, a rare yet uncommonly adequate example of knot-tying fools, even though compact discs are a new technology that has revolutionized the musical world with his passionate yet satirical witty sayings! The pickup truck that my second cousin bought for my gerbil's fourth birthday does not work on account of its engine consisting of one tree trunk, a bucket of pillow stuffing, five deer antlers, a monkey head, a hot meal that was long ago ransacked by rich hobos with nothing to lose, two old guitar strings, a hamburger bun, uncontrolled bladder, a pad of post-it notes, and my daughter's Barbie Dream House. This engine was meant to extract 145 horsepower out of local horses, but the horses formed a union and eventually agreed to sacrifice one of their priceless eggs, a masterpiece of modern thermodynamics! I want to eat a spring, even though chances are staggeringly high that such an action will result in my death! That may sound stupid, but I could just as easily argue that you are a driveling simpleton! For example, you lack the mental capacity to properly enjoy the funky people that even now are dancing the Dance of Doom on your front lawn, even though you laid down many deadly pesticides that could kill a small mouse in almost zero seconds flat! I cannot believe you are trying to comprehend my words, because they lack any type of extended meaning! I feel the urge to find a crow bar and wrench open a box full of explosive diagrams, instructions if you will, that explain the steps involved in building a warehouse! I will fill this new domicile with food and ammunition in preparation for the Apocalypse! Angels may break into my warehouse and attempt to sell me cheap insurance, but I have a bazooka, and if any try to pull such a foolish stunt on me, they will forever be sorry for their mistake! Numbers are said to unlock the secret of life, and, since today is possibly your lucky day, I shall tell you the secret of life, they key of existence, the meaning of everything! It is such a powerful secret, that even men who have never found themselves eating custard pie have sat down at a table and begun eating that creamy substance, all in pursuit of the gropingly obvious yet impossible to figure out truth of all life! This truth extends from the smartest life all the way to the simplest, the largest to the smallest, and the least well endowed all the way up to the fish that pollute our airwaves with their constant yammering, which is a major sin in some religions, such as New Reformed Proto-Lutheranism, a growing trend in large amounts of countries, such as Indonesia and Norway! These lands that are gripped by such religions are often found strolling on the streets at night, spying on government buildings and reporting their findings to their respective chocolate pizza friends, who use their information to free the dead people from their earthly ties! I can't imagine what sick person would try to find a dog in the middle of the road, since dogs are often known to go to your local grocery store and pose as cashiers while you stand motionless, trying to figure out how to experience the joys of living like a dead monk in the endless mountains of the Shadow Realm, where mysterious bands of people, such as the Fire Clan roam and try to turn wary travelers into portable coal stoves, which they then sell for a hefty profit to local observatories!  I cannot grasp the concept of love, for I am a pickle! Did you know this? Well, it is true, despite the endless ravings of my enemies, such as the Sun King Dong Wu, who is always trying to foil my dirty plans! He is always interfering with me, even when I attempt to send him an invitation to a phony party, which is not something smart young men go to, seeing as there are large quantities of alcoholic beverages, which clog the spirit with grimy dust, which exists only in the western hemisphere! The screech of a properly tuned guitar can turn even a powerful alien overlord into a pile of dirty rags, thanks to the properties of sound waves and their beloved families, who occasionally turn against their evil leaders and start new eras of peace and security, which are then cut short by the rise of a new tyrant, often a form of my old toaster oven, which has an extreme lust for revenge because I threw it out the window after consuming too much soda one night back in the eighties and losing my mind! Who here enjoys the traditional American pastime of looting small convenience stores? I hope the answer is nobody, because that is a cruel, terrible thing to do, and also it is illegal in over 32 states, including Canada, which was recently assimilated by Ecuador after a drunken poker game went horribly awry! In the beginning, the Canadian man went to the drug store and bought a can of Febreeze, but after doing so, he found that life does not always invite you to the big dance, but sometimes, you must sneak in the exit and court the young women while their male companions are busy getting "Hi-C" fruit punch from their mothers, who are disguised as various popular movie characters, such as the robot named Wall-E! I can't see why everyone always calls me a giant chicken bone, as I am nothing like one of those disgusting things! They are always sneaking around at ungodly hours of the night, and making mischief, such as stealing priceless amulets from the clutches of the zombie king! And so, even while they run around aimlessly, catching and releasing tiny children as they go, I am still sorry to see such wonderful cats go, as they have truly taught me how to dance, like when I was in that weird club, and the DJ named Earl threw me off of a balcony, which is a very inconsiderate thing to do to a young man with no tangible possessions, and only a back-talking remote control for company on his long, hard voyage to the top of the corporate pig pile! Speaking of corporations, the bacon I found under my brother's bed is still almost warm, and I would have sworn that it was cooked in the raging, infernal forges of the massive dwarf city of C'koktorg! This town is known for its stunning selection of steel beams, such as the renowned Big Joe, a beam that is over 47 feet long during the hot summer months! And when they come out of hiding, dwarfs are constantly pestering you by trying to sell you dead things on a stick, or, in more extreme cases, trying to slip anthrax into your pants, so they can sell YOU on a stick to an unwary passerby! They are tricky, but, when medicated with a powerful disinfectant known only to lonely tribes in the jungles of South America, they become like tiny Mexican dogs, yapping their heads off and occasionally trying to make you go insane by dangling a twenty dollar bill at a set distance from your face! Surprisingly, this little ploy only works on 86% of humans, instead of teaching them proper football grammar, like we did when I went to summer camp back in 11th grade, when the skies were bluer and the grass existed! I can't get my rowdy little bugger of a toddler to stay still, because I poured coffee down his throat with my novelty funnel that I bought at  Woodstock! When they found him cowering in a corner in downtown Kansas City, they came and arrested me for parking on top of a police helicopter and yelling at traffic cones! The end, for now!

Edited by Neurotarkus - August 01 2009 at 13:12

Admittedly, you did win big there. Even if you are just talking land mass. I fear the day our empires collide. Assuming of course I continue on to procure an empire.

I thought Belarus was always cheap. Moldova isn't a bad choice. I was thinking going with Bosnia & Herzegovnia. Two for the price of one. I like Montenegro as well. Maybe even toss *grabs another bull penis* in Slovakia or Slovenia if I have the money.

Edited by Man With Hat - July 31 2009 at 23:57

Indeed it is. And its true. I'm sure the peons of the world believe possessing an extraordinary amount of intellegence is a cakewalk on easy street. As I am sure you are cogniscent of, 'tis quite taxing. *takes another bull penis*

Mmmmmm.  

JJLehto wrote: She should be!

Vompatti wrote: I find it despicable that none of you has taken into account how rigidly the blind acceptance of the dominant paradigm determines the framework to which we must relate our observations.

Edited by Man With Hat - July 31 2009 at 18:50

JJLehto wrote: Hey! Does that signature say "Read Anthem"?????????????? I that might be grounds for banishment from this thread

Is Ayn Rand like, banned from these forums?

Well Phil, that is a loaded question. I mean there are so many outside factors to take into consideration. Such as, how quickly are you licking? What is the temperature? Not to mention every single tootsie pop is made differently. Different thickness, shape, etc.
These may be minute details but if we want the PERFECT answer, (and you know we do) there needs to be a lot of time and energy dedicated to this experiment. And even then, I do not think one answer can perfectly satisfy it.