Suede Room 2

Why is there some n00b football player called Christian Vander?  That's simply not allowed! 

LinusW wrote: James wrote: LinusW wrote: James wrote: TGM: Orb wrote: Hm. The completed poem: thoughts? Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void Eyes now blind no stranger view And throw their light in haunting arcs Which sails catch, burning through the dark And we catch too, catch we two Through the dark, I glimpse your reddened lips and sublime form, Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave a mark of my love there, I'd love to feel you by my side, when comes the saffron dawn, Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my fingers through your hair I love you, as you face me, your back towards the sea, Frightened, as, behind you, the waters too swiftly rise, I grip your hand with longing, pull your body close to me To shelter from the rising waves and drown within your eyes Dark and swirling waters leave, And take love to the promised land A downcast pair on vibrant sands Relinquish hands and quietly grieve Excellent! However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better. Only my opinion of course. I second that. Otherwise excellent. Wow, I thought it was just me. Actually, it's not the length of the line... I think the word count is correct, rather, it's the flow of that line, it just juts out to me. It's both abrupt and prolonged at the same time

Oops, removing "there" is a crap idea, 'cause it loses the rhyming scheme.

James wrote: LinusW wrote: James wrote: TGM: Orb wrote: Hm. The completed poem: thoughts? Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void Eyes now blind no stranger view And throw their light in haunting arcs Which sails catch, burning through the dark And we catch too, catch we two Through the dark, I glimpse your reddened lips and sublime form, Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave a mark of my love there, I'd love to feel you by my side, when comes the saffron dawn, Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my fingers through your hair I love you, as you face me, your back towards the sea, Frightened, as, behind you, the waters too swiftly rise, I grip your hand with longing, pull your body close to me To shelter from the rising waves and drown within your eyes Dark and swirling waters leave, And take love to the promised land A downcast pair on vibrant sands Relinquish hands and quietly grieve Excellent! However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better. Only my opinion of course. I second that. Otherwise excellent. Wow, I thought it was just me. Actually, it's not the length of the line... I think the word count is correct, rather, it's the flow of that line, it just juts out to me.

Odd. There were two lines where I was uncertain about the flow, but decided in the end they worked properly, and that wasn't one of them. Probably doesn't help that mentally I have an oboe backing the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.

'there' necessarily fulfils the rhyme scheme, so must stay. I'm thinking that 'mark' is perhaps not the right word for the line, a bit too harsh.

TGM: Orb wrote: James wrote: LinusW wrote: James wrote: TGM: Orb wrote: Hm. The completed poem: thoughts? Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void Eyes now blind no stranger view And throw their light in haunting arcs Which sails catch, burning through the dark And we catch too, catch we two Through the dark, I glimpse your reddened lips and sublime form, Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave a mark of my love there, I'd love to feel you by my side, when comes the saffron dawn, Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my fingers through your hair I love you, as you face me, your back towards the sea, Frightened, as, behind you, the waters too swiftly rise, I grip your hand with longing, pull your body close to me To shelter from the rising waves and drown within your eyes Dark and swirling waters leave, And take love to the promised land A downcast pair on vibrant sands Relinquish hands and quietly grieve Excellent! However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better. Only my opinion of course. I second that. Otherwise excellent. Wow, I thought it was just me. Actually, it's not the length of the line... I think the word count is correct, rather, it's the flow of that line, it just juts out to me. Odd. There were two lines where I was uncertain about the flow, but decided in the end they worked properly, and that wasn't one of them. Probably doesn't help that mentally I have an oboe backing the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. 'there' necessarily fulfils the rhyme scheme, so must stay. I'm thinking that 'mark' is perhaps not the right word for the line, a bit too harsh.

I realised afterwards that "there" was part of the rhyming scheme.

I thought the last line of the first stanza was a bit iffy too but it's a deliberate play on words on your part, so it should stay.

^

I was ambivalent about that (the last line of the first stanza). On the one hand, I like messing around with words, and it reinforces the collective (and it fits the metric side very nicely), the together, aspect, on the other, it could be seen as redundant if you don't look at it the same way I do.


Edited by TGM: Orb - August 20 2008 at 21:14

TGM: Orb wrote: ^ I was ambivalent about that. On the one hand, I like messing around with words, and it reinforces the collective (and it fits the metric side very nicely), the together, aspect, on the other, it could be seen as redundant if you don't look at it the same way I do.

Well I've used similar ideas in poems, including this rather awful one:



Me you/Mind you (together as one)

----Me you (?)----

I need you to interlock your thoughts
your body, your skin, your lips,
with me.
Will you accept me?
I want you to interlock your mind,
your life, your presence, your past,
with me.
Will you accept me?

----Mind you----

You are constantly being pushed to the front of my mind...
A wall surrounds you, stops you leaving.
(If you wanted to do so)
It soothes you, it protects you...
It values your presence and love for its owner.
He is thankful and grateful.

He loves you.

----Me you (two)----

Everything used to be misty and clouded,
and now,
it's clearer and more decisive than ever.

No longer lost,
no longer clinging to the precipice,
my hands are searching for your hands.

Will you lift me up?

Fay Lee Err... go now!
You were never loved by me.
You only ever brought me harm,
...making me choose depression...
over living...
On the brink, I felt for land,
I found rubble, but I struggled,
I almost...
(Fell)t this is the right thing,
falling, ever deeper.
Struggling on, down and up.

----Me you (three/free)----

I found up!
Beyond that rubble, there was hope,
...gripping the land, I lifted up...
And you were that hope.
You are still that hope.

Your smile greeted me at the top,
grabbing my hands (as asked).
I had been lifted.
Spiritually.
Literally.
I was safe now.
Fay Lee Err's brother had also left me.

Fee Err.

Gone, hoping to be forgotten.

Without your hands, I'd be dead...

Geck0 - 17 March 2006.



And this slightly better one:

(May) Flyby Tours - Borodinosaur a.k.a. Sorry I borrowed a few of your ideas pH

It doesn't matter if I live... or die...
Why?
I... fall into the maelstrom,
thunder cracking on my back
down to earth I (may) fall, but
the (may) fly, flies itself to sleep,
making my time with him a calamity.

Of course, time dissuades me,
from ever being what I want to be.
The (may) fly isn't a (may) bee,
time forces him into many mannerisms,
a ponderer, a wanderer, an organiser -
of the Anti-Anteater Association.
But at least he tries...
Unlike me.

I used to be a positive soul,
waiting out time for miracles,
but the materials required?
Well they were out of Stock,
Aitken and Waterman songs.
I should be so lucky...

Always popular, but never brilliant.

I specifically asked for pot...ash,
so I could grow some Amaryllis -
I got some dead stoners ground up bones.
Incinerated?, insinuated more like.

It's typical, mysunderstandyng.
I've been disqualified from the ratrace.

Snow bites my top lip, as I fall ever deeper,
time may start to pass backwards soon...
The thrill of the hunt - my piercing spear,
too elaborate to fly straight, it hits...
me in the face, time continuum.

No wonder the Woolly Mammoths died,
they hadn't bargained on my spear - useless!

I... want... to... spend time with the enemy,
working out their lies and deceipt.
To see why they have all the luck.

If I open this door, will I live?
Or will I die?  If I don't open it...
Well, what of it?

Stalemate - a life of content.

I can do that, yes.

But I open the door anyhow...
to find, another door.

I hear field guns, is it 1812?
Have I travelled backwards in time?

I feel younger, but I look old.
Fitter and lithe, but with a stick...
I poke myself.

Then I see the (may) fly, he's awoken,
as bashful as ever - buzzing around my head,
dogfighting like Manfred versus Albert.

He settles on my right earlobe.

"Maybe I'll (may)be your life... away?"
He says.

In the confines of this...
What is this place?

I hear Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture
...the door opens.

Welcome to Paranoia, please enter.

Geck0 - 1 February 2006.

Mikerinos wrote: moreitsythanyou wrote: MovingPictures07 wrote: Mikerinos wrote: MovingPictures07 wrote: laplace wrote: sorry but steven wilson isn't sexy, because he is in porcupine tree absolute turn-off BUT OMG U LIE B/C I LUV TEH PORC TREES AND WILSON'S SEXY BODY N I'M SUCH A FANBOI LOL ...POIST! NO POISTING HERE! Fine. Restricting poisting is unconstitutional Poisting is allowed in a separate but equal room.

No, that standard was over turned in Poisty Vs. Ferguspun

Gosh, I hate reading back my old poetical works. 

Sometimes I wish I had never written them at all.


Edited by James - August 20 2008 at 21:26

Right, that's it, I quit.

Poetry is not for me.

So that's another useless thing I can add to the Big Book of James' Blunders.