Any writer's Here?

I recently started trying to write stories, and I've been working on improving my writing style. I wrote this a couple days ago, and figured someone on here would be intrested or would be able to give good feedback (unlike my friends, who I can never tell weather or not there just being nice)

This is called "The Dream":

I remember!

Two snow-white children silent in the brisk of autumn. They stood tall, strait as a telephone pole waiting for the next signal. Facing each other. Both in a perfectly fit wedding gown, slightly faded and torn on the ends. There had to have been something before this... I remember walking; not here, but somehow I got here. My light brown jacket was no wear near enough to keep my soul content. Although no breeze was blowing, I still felt the occasional chill, I still could hear the occasional chime of the rusted bells, which decorated both the trees and the floor. Leaves on the ground, all were still.
I walked up to one of the girls. Two enlarged pupils staring strait into their twins. The only difference between the two was that one had a wedding ring on the appropriate finger. A bride staring strait into her maid's eyes. The maid had no expression, just the weary eyes of a grandmother who had scene the worst her years had too offer. The bride, crystallized in a sense of worry. "Whose the lucky man?" I asked, trying to lighten her mood. A whispered voice came from her mouth. "Sean." I recognized the name as my own, although I'm one in a million.

Sean: "How long have you been standing here for?"

Maid: "She can't Remember" Spoken with a matching voice.

Sean: "Can you?"

Bride: "No.
...
I can."

Sean: "How long?"

Maid: "Life began in water, life will end in water."

Bride: "Since the first born."

Sean: "Your first born"

Maid: "Yes."

Sean: "Her first born?" I said pointing to the bride.

Bride: "Yes."

Maid: "Not yet."

Sean: "Her future son?"

The Children: "Yes."

Sean: After a moments thought, I said "How do you know life will end in water?"

Maid: "I've seen it"

Bride: "Would you like to see?"

Sean: "Yes."

We walked into the woods for what felt like hours. Just me and the bride. My ankles ached, not a word was spoke. What started as the periodical leaf turned into the knee high obstacle of each step. But once she stopped, I looked at the clearing in front of her. The most clear and clean water at the mile wide intersection of four rivers. The sun reflected directly at it's center.
The Bride stared strait forward for several moments, then I noticed in the corner of my eye: a silhouette of a man standing to the side of me! There was no light behind it, just a dark figure without depth... moving. Around the lake was more of the same. There backs were hunched, there arms dragged, and they moved as if in a traffic jam. They all walked toward into the lake... exactly the same. None of them turned there heads, or acknowledged anyone else. The bride stepped to the side, and gestured to the Lake.
My curiosity grabbed a hold of me! I stepped closer to the lake, and looked in, only to see my reflection. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it wasn't me. It was something different. Someone else. It moved exactly the same as I did, same clothes, same look on his face. But it wasn't me. Nevertheless, I walked into the lake. The water was warm, I felt a comfort as the water came between my leg and the cloth. I just looked at me, nothing else. My face, staring down, collided with the water.

The buzzing alarm clock rang. I remember and write it down. October eight, 7:20 A.M.
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Opinions?


Edited by Floydian42 - February 02 2007 at 19:44

I once wrote a poem called "Grandma's Knickers". It goes:

Rose's are Red,
Violet's are blue
Ethel's are green.

I thank you

Angelo wrote: > Two enlarged pupils staring strait into their twins. The only difference was one had a wedding ring on the appropriate finger. I think you introduced, by accident, a faulty reference here... I can't grasp the image of a pupil with a wedding ring on it's finger

Thanks! BTW, I edited it slightly at the introduction in question

Curious piece - I enjoyed reading it, but don't ask me to explain it

One small piece of pedantry, though; the thread title...


Any writer's Here?


Lose the apostrophe & drop the capitalisation of H!


Edited by Jim Garten - February 05 2007 at 03:24

Reread your changes a couple of times- it gets easier to get into after a few times, probably because I know what's coming. Some spooky atmosphere you create - I no longer miss the piece in between the meeting and the end of the trip through the forest now. Leave it out, it's not necessary.

I try to write stories, but I rarely manage to finish them before I realize how bad they are.

Putting an apostophe in "writers" doesn't do much for your credibility as a writer. It is not possesive in this instance.

Yikes!