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Pnoom! View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:31
Here's one in:

A
B
A
B
C
B
C
D
C
D
E
D
E
E


EDIT: Think in terms of 4 three line stanzas and a rhyming couplet, it makes more sense that way


Tyranny of the One

The King of Kings owns what no one else knows
Watching over all that shames the good book
Controlling the direction humanity goes
Catching all of the commands we mistook
Thinking they were laws we ought to follow
Ruler of all the people he forsook
Whatever we do he always seems to know
They don’t call him King of Kings for nothing
Breaking our backs for gains to call his own
Sundays we go out to worship the king
At the beckoning of his holy gun
And Mondays we head on out to serve him
But he who sees all God has truly done
Sees the clear case--tyranny of the one

    
EDIT: This was my first sonnet, by the way.
    
I'm going to write some more now.

Edited by inpraiseoffolly - November 18 2006 at 09:32
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:36
Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:

Wishful

Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white

Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind

I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out

Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore

Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside

    

Edited by progismylife - November 18 2006 at 09:36
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:50
Here's one in:

A
B
A
C
B
C
D
B
D
E
B
E
B
B

C.E.O.

Sitting back and watching the figures grow
Exactly the way his advisors planned
Shooting through the roof, how high will they go
Content, the C.E.O. enjoys the view
Steeped in morals I cannot understand
But that kind of man is not something new
His workers find food by scrounging around
Employees extend their flesh and bone hands
Watching the C.E.O as he chows down
Eating his dish of finely prepared ham
His visage lights up as he rubs his hands
The C.E.O is sparked with a new scam
There are only two rules that guide his hand
The first is supply, the second, demand
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:51
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:

Wishful

Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white

Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind

I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out

Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore

Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside

    

    
Much better, I really like it. One piece of advice is to make the second to last stanza four lines (or the second stanza three lines) for a sense of continuity. But, again, it's gotten a lot better.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:10
Wishful

Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white

Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind

I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out

Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore
Does my mind torment me?

Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside

I don't know if the added line goes well with the rest of it, though.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:12
No, it doesn't. Keep working at it, though. If you get it right, it will greatly help the poem.

One thing I might try is take a piece of paper and rewrite what you already have. You may find that the line comes to you as do so.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:20
No title (suggestions would be appreciated)

You wake up
To a world of confusion
What is semmingly an illusion

As you open your eyes
To find yourself in a maze
With neverending hallways
And false doorways

As you try the lock you notice
It is stuck fast
And has been bolted down

The dellusion of grandeur
Clouds the thoughts of your fellow man
Whose greed overpowers the pride of riches


Soon, you come to realise
The maze is a line of your thoughts
That tapers to an end
All goes black

Roused to the sound of merriment
A mug is thrust in your hand
Its contents burning and prickling your throat

The fire rests in your belly until it climbs
Into your eyes
And grabs ahold of your tongue

The slur of words
That comes out next
Alludes to your imprisonment
Of mind state
That is besieged by the prodding
And poking of thoughts

It crosses your mind
That you have been double crossed
By the drink you once enjoyed

That past self gloats
In your discomfort
Ad unforgiving predicament

The chains tighten around
Your wrists and ankles
Until they disappear altogether

Life goes on without seeing
That the prison is your own mind
And yet...

You have the key
In your hand


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:22
Thoughts Delayed By a Deadbolt????^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:25
Originally posted by inpraiseoffolly inpraiseoffolly wrote:

Thoughts Delayed By a Deadbolt????^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    It just might work.

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:26
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:

Wishful

Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white

Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch

I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out

Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore

Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside

    

    
I took out a line from the second stanza. It seems to work.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:31
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:

Wishful

Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white

Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch

I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out

Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore

Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside

    

    
I took out a line from the second stanza. It seems to work.

    

Ah, yes. Better much.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:32
Darkening Crescendo

The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was

The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay

When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
Goodbye blue skies
Maybe another day
You will come to me
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:38
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Darkening Crescendo

The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was

The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay

When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
Goodbye blue skies
Maybe another day
You will come to me


YES!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:41
COuld it be considered lyrics though?
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:51
Hmm... I'm not sure.

In hindsight, you ought to get rid of the Goodbye Blue Skies line. A bit derivative, if you know what I mean.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:53
Not really.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:54
Is this better?


Darkening Crescendo

The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was

The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay

When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
From this darkened tomb
Maybe another day
You will come to me
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:59
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

No title, yet :

It is you, not me
No, it can't be
You're the one
Why can't you all see?

Get this jacket off me
My arms don't need to be
Tied behind my back

I'm not the menace
To society
You just play on other's fears

You have the paranoia
Someone always watching you

Tick tock tick tock
What's that?
A rhythm inside the wall?

Help! Can you hear me?
I'm the one stuck on th inside

No don't leave me...


Like I said, it has no title. Suggestions would be helpful.




I thought I should repost this. I like it a lot but it needs a title.
    
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 12:38
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Is this better?


Darkening Crescendo

The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was

The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay

When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
From this darkened tomb
Maybe another day
You will come to me

    
Much.   
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 18 2006 at 12:41
Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

Originally posted by progismylife progismylife wrote:

No title, yet :

It is you, not me
No, it can't be
You're the one
Why can't you all see?

Get this jacket off me
My arms don't need to be
Tied behind my back

I'm not the menace
To society
You just play on other's fears

You have the paranoia
Someone always watching you

Tick tock tick tock
What's that?
A rhythm inside the wall?

Help! Can you hear me?
I'm the one stuck on th inside

No don't leave me...


Like I said, it has no title. Suggestions would be helpful.




I thought I should repost this. I like it a lot but it needs a title.
    

    
Padded Skull
Locked Inside a Lockless Room
Locked Inside The Walls on the Outside (my favorite of the three)

Well, there are some ideas.
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