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Pnoom!
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Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
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Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:31 |
Here's one in:
A
B
A
B
C
B
C
D
C
D
E
D
E
E
EDIT: Think in terms of 4 three line stanzas and a rhyming couplet, it makes more sense that way
Tyranny of the One
The King of Kings owns what no one else knows
Watching over all that shames the good book
Controlling the direction humanity goes
Catching all of the commands we mistook
Thinking they were laws we ought to follow
Ruler of all the people he forsook
Whatever we do he always seems to know
They don’t call him King of Kings for nothing
Breaking our backs for gains to call his own
Sundays we go out to worship the king
At the beckoning of his holy gun
And Mondays we head on out to serve him
But he who sees all God has truly done
Sees the clear case--tyranny of the one
EDIT: This was my first sonnet, by the way.
I'm going to write some more now.
Edited by inpraiseoffolly - November 18 2006 at 09:32
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progismylife
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Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
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Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:36 |
Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:
Wishful
Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white
Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind
I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out
Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore
Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside
Edited by progismylife - November 18 2006 at 09:36
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:50 |
Here's one in:
A
B
A
C
B
C
D
B
D
E
B
E
B
B
C.E.O.
Sitting back and watching the figures grow
Exactly the way his advisors planned
Shooting through the roof, how high will they go
Content, the C.E.O. enjoys the view
Steeped in morals I cannot understand
But that kind of man is not something new
His workers find food by scrounging around
Employees extend their flesh and bone hands
Watching the C.E.O as he chows down
Eating his dish of finely prepared ham
His visage lights up as he rubs his hands
The C.E.O is sparked with a new scam
There are only two rules that guide his hand
The first is supply, the second, demand
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 09:51 |
progismylife wrote:
Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:
Wishful
Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white
Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind
I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out
Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore
Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside
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Much better, I really like it. One piece of advice is to make the second to last stanza four lines (or the second stanza three lines) for a sense of continuity. But, again, it's gotten a lot better.
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:10 |
Wishful
Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white
Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind
I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out
Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore
Does my mind torment me?
Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside
I don't know if the added line goes well with the rest of it, though.
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:12 |
No, it doesn't. Keep working at it, though. If you get it right, it will greatly help the poem.
One thing I might try is take a piece of paper and rewrite what you already have. You may find that the line comes to you as do so.
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:20 |
No title (suggestions would be appreciated)
You wake up
To a world of confusion
What is semmingly an illusion
As you open your eyes
To find yourself in a maze
With neverending hallways
And false doorways
As you try the lock you notice
It is stuck fast
And has been bolted down
The dellusion of grandeur
Clouds the thoughts of your fellow man
Whose greed overpowers the pride of riches
Soon, you come to realise
The maze is a line of your thoughts
That tapers to an end
All goes black
Roused to the sound of merriment
A mug is thrust in your hand
Its contents burning and prickling your throat
The fire rests in your belly until it climbs
Into your eyes
And grabs ahold of your tongue
The slur of words
That comes out next
Alludes to your imprisonment
Of mind state
That is besieged by the prodding
And poking of thoughts
It crosses your mind
That you have been double crossed
By the drink you once enjoyed
That past self gloats
In your discomfort
Ad unforgiving predicament
The chains tighten around
Your wrists and ankles
Until they disappear altogether
Life goes on without seeing
That the prison is your own mind
And yet...
You have the key
In your hand
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:22 |
Thoughts Delayed By a Deadbolt????^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:25 |
inpraiseoffolly wrote:
Thoughts Delayed By a Deadbolt????^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ |
It just might work.
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:26 |
progismylife wrote:
Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:
Wishful
Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white
Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch
I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out
Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore
Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside
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I took out a line from the second stanza. It seems to work.
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:31 |
progismylife wrote:
progismylife wrote:
Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:
Wishful
Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white
Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch
I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out
Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore
Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside
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I took out a line from the second stanza. It seems to work. |
Ah, yes. Better much.
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:32 |
Darkening Crescendo
The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was
The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay
When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
Goodbye blue skies
Maybe another day
You will come to me
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:38 |
progismylife wrote:
Darkening Crescendo
The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was
The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay
When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
Goodbye blue skies
Maybe another day
You will come to me
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YES!
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:41 |
COuld it be considered lyrics though?
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:51 |
Hmm... I'm not sure.
In hindsight, you ought to get rid of the Goodbye Blue Skies line. A bit derivative, if you know what I mean.
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:53 |
Not really.
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:54 |
Is this better?
Darkening Crescendo
The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was
The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay
When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
From this darkened tomb
Maybe another day
You will come to me
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progismylife
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 19 2006
Location: ibreathehelium
Status: Offline
Points: 15535
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Posted: November 18 2006 at 10:59 |
progismylife wrote:
No title, yet :
It is you, not me
No, it can't be
You're the one
Why can't you all see?
Get this jacket off me
My arms don't need to be
Tied behind my back
I'm not the menace
To society
You just play on other's fears
You have the paranoia
Someone always watching you
Tick tock tick tock
What's that?
A rhythm inside the wall?
Help! Can you hear me?
I'm the one stuck on th inside
No don't leave me...
Like I said, it has no title. Suggestions would be helpful.
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I thought I should repost this. I like it a lot but it needs a title.
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
|
Posted: November 18 2006 at 12:38 |
progismylife wrote:
Is this better?
Darkening Crescendo
The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was
The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay
When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
From this darkened tomb
Maybe another day
You will come to me
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Much.
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Pnoom!
Forum Senior Member
Joined: September 02 2006
Location: OH
Status: Offline
Points: 4981
|
Posted: November 18 2006 at 12:41 |
progismylife wrote:
progismylife wrote:
No title, yet :
It is you, not me
No, it can't be
You're the one
Why can't you all see?
Get this jacket off me
My arms don't need to be
Tied behind my back
I'm not the menace
To society
You just play on other's fears
You have the paranoia
Someone always watching you
Tick tock tick tock
What's that?
A rhythm inside the wall?
Help! Can you hear me?
I'm the one stuck on th inside
No don't leave me...
Like I said, it has no title. Suggestions would be helpful.
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I thought I should repost this. I like it a lot but it needs a title.
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Padded Skull
Locked Inside a Lockless Room
Locked Inside The Walls on the Outside (my favorite of the three)
Well, there are some ideas.
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