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Topic ClosedMore new lyrics! :-)

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Prog_Bassist View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: More new lyrics! :-)
    Posted: November 24 2004 at 17:49
I wrote more lyrics for another song, I'd say it's a little more solo peter gabriely, and less Jon Andersony.

It's supposed to be like a kind of World music/art rock kind of progressive rock song. (like pete kinda)

And, I'm sorry I made another thread, it's just that I couldn't find my old one.

Opinions? Do the same kinda rating system as last time. Is it better than the last one? does it suck more? Is it good? Is it crap? give comments and be completly honest. I'm not gonna tell you what it's about yet, cuz I wanna see if anyone could figure it out on their own, or even have their own views on it. Anyway, it's more straight foreword I think than the last one, here we go!:

The Rain
(B. Waye)

The Children playing in the streets,
The kettle boiling on the fire,
The walls are cracked from the seering heat,
I am alone...

Lying on my broken bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
A spider crawls across it's thread,
I take shelter in my feelings,

Outside, the people working,
Holding baskets on their heads,
They carry to the riverside,
And steal the last few drops,

[chorus]
I'm alone,
In this world,
We're alone,
In this place,
We may fall, but we'll still keep our grace,
I'm alone,
In this world,
We're alone,
In this place,
But we're not giving up,
No, we're not giving up,

Saddened little people, stare through shattered windows,
Expose their little faces to the flies,
And in this solemn silence,
The sadness,
And the violence,
The rain will pour down gently from the sky,

[chorus]

Children splashing in the muddy pools,
From which they will drink,
Their naked bodies, frail and thin,
Dancing in the rain,

[chorus]

We will fall,
We will get up again,
We will survive,
In these Lands...
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 24 2004 at 22:30
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 02:14
They're alright. The theme seems to me a little worn out... and you mght do good to expand the vocabulary in your writing. Don't mistake that as an insult to your vocab, i'm sure you have a large vocab, just try to apply it more.
I bleed coffee. When I don't drink coffee, my veins run dry, and I shrivel up and die.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 02:59

It's ok, but I preffered your last effort. I preffered the style on the last song I guess. There is some powerful, although depressing imagery in this song, and as Sweetnighter says, the theme is maybe a little over done.

However, I like the verse:

Lying on my broken bed,
Staring at the ceiling,
A spider crawls across it's thread,
I take shelter in my feelings

I very much like the kind of Robert the Bruce imagery of never giving in, having been inspired by the spiders determination. Not sure if thats exactly what you were aiming for, but its how I read the lyrics. It's quite Neil Peart like in that respect, and that will always meet with my approval

Anyway, keep it up and keep 'em coming!

Ultimately bored by endless ecstasy!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 05:11

On first reading it seems quite interesting. However take a closer look and the images and metaphors are quite badly mixed up.

If it is raining in the seering heat why arent they rejoicing?

If it is raining the river would have greater stocks of water in it.

The flies would be reduced in the rain.

The rain cannot pour gently from the sky.

That said, it's a 3 star jobby!Smile




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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 06:36
I like the imagery in the song although Reed does bring up some good points. Personally I found it better than your 1st attempt, but that is,  mostly because this one the listener can picture the scene you're describing. The other song I pictured nothing. I like imagery songs.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 08:06

I kinda liked the more mixed up and vague imagery of the first song. They were quite like Jon Anderson lyrics, and although I'm not a huge fan of Yes, I've always liked their approach to lyric writing.

Writing a song like this is more tricky IMO, and I think Reed makes some interesting points about images clashing in these lyrics.

Nevertheless, it aint bad.

Ultimately bored by endless ecstasy!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 09:49

I wrote lyrics for the band I was in when I was 17 and also for another band I wasn't even in(!),and your lyrics remind me a lot of mine,PB. Except that my command of English wasn't exactly what you might call fluid at that age so there were definitely a few awkward lines scattered around. But you're better than I ever was and certainly show great promise so stick to it but watch out for getting too close to the style of your idols/role models. "The Rain" reminded me a lot of Fish so you should perhaps try to develop and cultivate a stronger personal identity and you'll do fine.

Odi profanum vulgus et arceo.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 25 2004 at 14:22
Originally posted by Reed Lover Reed Lover wrote:

On first reading it seems quite interesting. However take a closer look and the images and metaphors are quite badly mixed up.


1.

If it is raining in the seering heat why arent they rejoicing?


2.

If it is raining the river would have greater stocks of water in it.


3.

The flies would be reduced in the rain.


4.

The rain cannot pour gently from the sky.


That said, it's a 3 star jobby!Smile


I have answers:
1. It was the seering heat at first, but then it starts to rain, and they ARE rejoicing, the children are dancing in the rain and such (the rain symbolizes hope)
2. The river is running dry when it isnt raining, but then it starts to rain, showing hope for more water.
3. The flies are flying around before the rain starts.
4. It's a light rain.

So my point being, it only starts to rain at the end.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 26 2004 at 14:00

PB, it's a fine effort but like you say, it's Gabriel-ish, right down to 'the kettle boiling on the fire' (a sort of quote from the wonderful 'my head sounds like that' from Up) and some nods to 'washing of the water'.

My suggestion would be to discard other people's work and your admiration for them. Focus on what YOU want from YOUR words, what you want to say. 

Vocabulary isn't the issue either. Many a good lyric has been ruined by the author reaching for the thesaurus every two minutes in a bid to convince people of his planet-sized intellect. Trust me, words are my living (sort of) and I've made the mistake of over-complicating things many times.

Sting is a great example of a lyricist who trips all over himself trying to be clever. Listen to his songs and the lyrics are often cringe-inducing in their attempts to be literate and to impress with his 'vast' knowledge.

It is rare that verbosity is a bonus in any writing (I think Salman Rushdie, Martin Amis and Don De Lillo are exceptions thanks to their awesome command of the language).

My feeling would be keep it simple, focus on what you want to say, think about the sound of the words and the rhythm of their phrasing within the song. The music often lends startling impact to the simplest of sentences.

Pick something that you feel strongly about - good, bad or even strongly held indifference. Try and condense your thoughts into headlines, or colours or impressions, think of apt metaphors and employ them. But above all use the words you are comfortable with, that communicate your feelings and thoughts and make it your own. You will develop a style, as have some of the people mentioned. Gabriel's early work is rubbish, as is Peart's as are the first lyrics of most of the great singers.

If you're looking for an example of effective simplicity try One by U2, it's a good case in point. It is a simple, straighforward yet monumentally affecting lyric, one of the finest I've ever read. You could also have a look at Paul Simon, a fabulous wordsmith who has employed many techniques including cut and paste which is sometimes interesting.

David Bowie did the same and has written some great words. REM's Michael Stipe has written some fantastic stuff as has Lou Reed and his lyrics are incredibly direct and simple. Leonard Cohen is just fabulous and Neil Young has done great stuff.

Not that I'm saying steal from them. Just have a look at their styles and see if there's anything you can learn from them.

Strangely, progressive rock has thrown up few good lyricists with most of the awful words seeming to centre of naff sword and sorcery nonsense or cod-classicism. Peter Gabriel is one of the few good 'uns. Oh, Roger Waters has written great stuff too.

Look elsewhere for good writing and filter it through your own style.

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 26 2004 at 15:41
Originally posted by arcer arcer wrote:

PB, it's a fine effort but like you say, it's Gabriel-ish, right down to 'the kettle boiling on the fire' (a sort of quote from the wonderful 'my head sounds like that' from Up) and some nods to 'washing of the water'.


My suggestion would be to discard other people's work and your admiration for them. Focus on what YOU want from YOUR words, what you want to say. 


Vocabulary isn't the issue either. Many a good lyric has been ruined by the author reaching for the thesaurus every two minutes in a bid to convince people of his planet-sized intellect. Trust me, words are my living (sort of) and I've made the mistake of over-complicating things many times.


Sting is a great example of a lyricist who trips all over himself trying to be clever. Listen to his songs and the lyrics are often cringe-inducing in their attempts to be literate and to impress with his 'vast' knowledge.


It is rare that verbosity is a bonus in any writing (I think Salman Rushdie, Martin Amis and Don De Lillo are exceptions thanks to their awesome command of the language).


My feeling would be keep it simple, focus on what you want to say, think about the sound of the words and the rhythm of their phrasing within the song. The music often lends startling impact to the simplest of sentences.


Pick something that you feel strongly about - good, bad or even strongly held indifference. Try and condense your thoughts into headlines, or colours or impressions, think of apt metaphors and employ them. But above all use the words you are comfortable with, that communicate your feelings and thoughts and make it your own. You will develop a style, as have some of the people mentioned. Gabriel's early work is rubbish, as is Peart's as are the first lyrics of most of the great singers.


If you're looking for an example of effective simplicity try One by U2, it's a good case in point. It is a simple, straighforward yet monumentally affecting lyric, one of the finest I've ever read. You could also have a look at Paul Simon, a fabulous wordsmith who has employed many techniques including cut and paste which is sometimes interesting.


David Bowie did the same and has written some great words. REM's Michael Stipe has written some fantastic stuff as has Lou Reed and his lyrics are incredibly direct and simple. Leonard Cohen is just fabulous and Neil Young has done great stuff.


Not that I'm saying steal from them. Just have a look at their styles and see if there's anything you can learn from them.


Strangely, progressive rock has thrown up few good lyricists with most of the awful words seeming to centre of naff sword and sorcery nonsense or cod-classicism. Peter Gabriel is one of the few good 'uns. Oh, Roger Waters has written great stuff too.


Look elsewhere for good writing and filter it through your own style.



hmm.. I didn't steal anything from pete though...I never even thought of my head sounds like that,lol..But I see what you mean...it's so hard to be original nowadays cuz everything's been done.

Anyway, I wrote this because I thought that I felt very strongly on this subject. I'm going to keep them, but I'm not really going to use them on any bands now cuz everyone my age sucks at music, so I'm going to keep the lyrics I write now through the years, and when I get more experience at things and such, and meet some good musicians that like this kind of music...I'm goin to dig out the ol lyric sheets and mabye polish em up a little when I'm smarter ( ) and use em.

mabye I'll even have a solo career!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 26 2004 at 16:06

PB don't get me wrong! I didn't mean everything's been done and it's hard to be original. Your take on things has definitely not been done. I merely meant that you should be writing what you want to write and not quoting others (even subconsciously)

Do your own stuff, it'll be much better and you'll find your style and voice that way.

And if I'm right in assuming you're still in your teens then they're a fine effort indeed. Some of the stuff written by people twice your age and with twice the experience and supposed education would struggle to write anything that coherent

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 26 2004 at 16:27
yeah I'm 17... I'm still just figuring out the whole song-writing thing anyway. lol.

But I'm definetly keeping em and fixing em up once I gain more knowledge.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: November 26 2004 at 19:19
You are doing fine....keep it going !
Music Is The Soul Bird That Flies In The Immense Heart Of The Listener . . .
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: August 27 2005 at 02:36
Your just filled with ideas EXCELLENT StarStarStarStarStar
"Let's get the hell away from this Eerie-ass piece of work so we can get on with the rest of our eerie-ass day"
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