The Married Man’s Scoreboard

Vibrationbaby wrote: Before I was married I was shacked up with my wife and we had this cat. We ran out of cat food so I went to the corner store because the cat was hungry. I ran into a friend along the way who said "let's go to the bar and have a beer I'm paying" . So I said to myself well the cat is not going to die if I don't return immediately. But, of course one beer turned into another beer and another beer turned into another beer and so on and so on. By the time I arrived home it was 4 in the morning with no cat food. I thought I could sneak in and sleep on the couch but she was waiting for me on the freaking couch in the dark and she said to me "I should report you to the SPCA". She had to go out to the bank ATM and get money after I was 3 hours AWOL to get food for the poor cat. I spent the next 3 or 4 nights on the couch. I love my wife she is my better half and a gifted musician.  It defies the immagination what she has to put up with from me.  I get a hands down ZERO you might as well call me Ralph Kramden.

Dude....I want to party with you!...that took some balls

Well I guess thats not absolutely true...In Brazil, I did once have to have my son try to explain in Portuguese to a shop owner when I was looking for some plugs... I didn't speak any Portuguese and my son's was minimum... so it was quite an interesting experience for us both....

Peter Rideout wrote: "Er... Ma'am? Can you help me? My wife is about your size -- would you use extra-large? Ow! "

Great pick up line there, Romeo.  I'll remember to never use that line when shopping in the produce section.

Geez.. what are you men married to?  I wouldn't even make my son do that for me.....

I'm trying to count up all the negatives. I forget, isn't two negatives a positive?

Either way, I'm screwed.... Get thread Jim Dandy!

Ha!

Was that original, Mr. Kinder-garten

Vewy, vewy funny!

Here's one for all of us married chaps out there....

The Married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties
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* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
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* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
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* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
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* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

Thoughtfulness
----------------------
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals
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* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You
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* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25

Driving
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* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
----------------------
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10