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LinusW 
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: September 27 2007
Location: Sweden
Status: Offline
Points: 10665
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 Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:57 |
 James wrote:
LinusW wrote:
James wrote:
TGM: Orb wrote:
Hm. The completed poem: thoughts?
Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void
Eyes now blind no stranger view
And throw their light in haunting arcs
Which sails catch, burning through the
dark
And we catch too, catch we two
Through the dark, I glimpse your
reddened lips and sublime form,
Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave
a mark of my love there,
I'd love to feel you by my side, when
comes the saffron dawn,
Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my
fingers through your hair
I love you, as you face me, your back
towards the sea,
Frightened, as, behind you, the waters
too swiftly rise,
I grip your hand with longing, pull
your body close to me
To shelter from the rising waves and
drown within your eyes
Dark and swirling waters leave,
And take love to the promised land
A downcast pair on vibrant sands
Relinquish hands and quietly grieve |
Excellent!
However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better.
Only my opinion of course.
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I second that. Otherwise excellent.
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Wow, I thought it was just me. 
Actually, it's not the length of the line... I think the word count is correct, rather, it's the flow of that line, it just juts out to me.
Although removing "there" from the end does make it read better, in my honest opinion.
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It's both abrupt and prolonged at the same time 
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YesFan72
Forum Senior Member
Joined: November 25 2007
Location: USA
Status: Offline
Points: 3241
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:55 |
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I am currently seeking a decent Vander pic.
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horsewithteeth11
Prog Reviewer
Joined: January 09 2008
Location: Kentucky
Status: Offline
Points: 24598
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:55 |
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VanderGraafKommandöh
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 04 2005
Location: Malaria
Status: Offline
Points: 89372
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:55 |
LinusW wrote:
James wrote:
TGM: Orb wrote:
Hm. The completed poem: thoughts?
Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void
Eyes now blind no stranger view
And throw their light in haunting arcs
Which sails catch, burning through the
dark
And we catch too, catch we two
Through the dark, I glimpse your
reddened lips and sublime form,
Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave
a mark of my love there,
I'd love to feel you by my side, when
comes the saffron dawn,
Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my
fingers through your hair
I love you, as you face me, your back
towards the sea,
Frightened, as, behind you, the waters
too swiftly rise,
I grip your hand with longing, pull
your body close to me
To shelter from the rising waves and
drown within your eyes
Dark and swirling waters leave,
And take love to the promised land
A downcast pair on vibrant sands
Relinquish hands and quietly grieve |
Excellent!
However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better.
Only my opinion of course.
|
I second that. Otherwise excellent.
|
Wow, I thought it was just me. Actually, it's not the length of the line... I think the word count is correct, rather, it's the flow of that line, it just juts out to me.
Edited by James - August 20 2008 at 20:56
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LinusW
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: September 27 2007
Location: Sweden
Status: Offline
Points: 10665
|
Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:53 |
James wrote:
TGM: Orb wrote:
Hm. The completed poem: thoughts?
Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void
Eyes now blind no stranger view
And throw their light in haunting arcs
Which sails catch, burning through the
dark
And we catch too, catch we two
Through the dark, I glimpse your
reddened lips and sublime form,
Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave
a mark of my love there,
I'd love to feel you by my side, when
comes the saffron dawn,
Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my
fingers through your hair
I love you, as you face me, your back
towards the sea,
Frightened, as, behind you, the waters
too swiftly rise,
I grip your hand with longing, pull
your body close to me
To shelter from the rising waves and
drown within your eyes
Dark and swirling waters leave,
And take love to the promised land
A downcast pair on vibrant sands
Relinquish hands and quietly grieve |
Excellent!
However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better.
Only my opinion of course.
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I second that. Otherwise excellent.
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VanderGraafKommandöh
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 04 2005
Location: Malaria
Status: Offline
Points: 89372
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:52 |
TGM: Orb wrote:
Hm. The completed poem: thoughts?
Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void
Eyes now blind no stranger view
And throw their light in haunting arcs
Which sails catch, burning through the
dark
And we catch too, catch we two
Through the dark, I glimpse your
reddened lips and sublime form,
Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave
a mark of my love there,
I'd love to feel you by my side, when
comes the saffron dawn,
Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my
fingers through your hair
I love you, as you face me, your back
towards the sea,
Frightened, as, behind you, the waters
too swiftly rise,
I grip your hand with longing, pull
your body close to me
To shelter from the rising waves and
drown within your eyes
Dark and swirling waters leave,
And take love to the promised land
A downcast pair on vibrant sands
Relinquish hands and quietly grieve |
Excellent! However, line 2 of the second stanza doesn't flow as well when I read it, so I think you need to lose a word in that line so the meter works better. Only my opinion of course.
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horsewithteeth11
Prog Reviewer
Joined: January 09 2008
Location: Kentucky
Status: Offline
Points: 24598
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:51 |
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YesFan72
Forum Senior Member
Joined: November 25 2007
Location: USA
Status: Offline
Points: 3241
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:49 |
birdwithteeth11 wrote:
I've about given up Dahlia. I say screw the prize, because I'm out of ideas. Man, why are girls always so picky?
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I'm not picky.
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horsewithteeth11
Prog Reviewer
Joined: January 09 2008
Location: Kentucky
Status: Offline
Points: 24598
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:48 |
I've about given up Dahlia. I say screw the prize, because I'm out of ideas. Man, why are girls always so picky?
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TGM: Orb
Prog Reviewer
Joined: October 21 2007
Location: n/a
Status: Offline
Points: 8052
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:41 |
Hm. The completed poem: thoughts?
Anthony and Cleopatra, Across the Void
Eyes now blind no stranger view
And throw their light in haunting arcs
Which sails catch, burning through the
dark
And we catch too, catch we two
Through the dark, I glimpse your
reddened lips and sublime form,
Kneel down to kiss your feet and leave
a mark of my love there,
I'd love to feel you by my side, when
comes the saffron dawn,
Stand tall to kiss your lips and run my
fingers through your hair
I love you, as you face me, your back
towards the sea,
Frightened, as, behind you, the waters
too swiftly rise,
I grip your hand with longing, pull
your body close to me
To shelter from the rising waves and
drown within your eyes
Dark and swirling waters leave,
And take love to the promised land
A downcast pair on vibrant sands
Relinquish hands and quietly grieve
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YesFan72
Forum Senior Member
Joined: November 25 2007
Location: USA
Status: Offline
Points: 3241
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:38 |
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Stupid internet... for the past page or so I haven't been able to see the images. It would help to post links.
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KoS
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 17 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Status: Offline
Points: 16310
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:38 |
Ugh, I have two essays due tomorrow. And you'd think that after 2 years of college that I wouldn't wait up until the last minute but no, I had to wait. 
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JayDee
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: September 07 2005
Location: Elysian Fields
Status: Offline
Points: 10063
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:35 |
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Wow! N00bies! Uhmmm0uhm!!!!
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Man With Hat
Collaborator
Jazz-Rock/Fusion/Canterbury Team
Joined: March 12 2005
Location: Neurotica
Status: Offline
Points: 166183
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:29 |
KoS wrote:
All these pictures of bassoons made me think that I might try to make a bong out of one.
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I'd be damn tempted.
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Dig me...But don't...Bury me
I'm running still, I shall until, one day, I hope that I'll arrive
Warning: Listening to jazz excessively can cause a laxative effect.
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VanderGraafKommandöh
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 04 2005
Location: Malaria
Status: Offline
Points: 89372
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:29 |
Better photo: 
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horsewithteeth11
Prog Reviewer
Joined: January 09 2008
Location: Kentucky
Status: Offline
Points: 24598
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:29 |
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laplace
Prog Reviewer
Joined: October 06 2005
Location: popupControl();
Status: Offline
Points: 7606
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:28 |
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VanderGraafKommandöh
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 04 2005
Location: Malaria
Status: Offline
Points: 89372
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:26 |
Now this guy is a great bassoonist!  and back in 1975, he was teh hotness: 
Edited by James - August 20 2008 at 20:27
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KoS
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 17 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Status: Offline
Points: 16310
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:26 |
All these pictures of bassoons made me think that I might try to make a bong out of one.
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Man With Hat
Collaborator
Jazz-Rock/Fusion/Canterbury Team
Joined: March 12 2005
Location: Neurotica
Status: Offline
Points: 166183
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Posted: August 20 2008 at 20:24 |
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Dig me...But don't...Bury me
I'm running still, I shall until, one day, I hope that I'll arrive
Warning: Listening to jazz excessively can cause a laxative effect.
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