Funniest archive reviews?

Progressive Metal
(Studio Album, 2003)

   In 1979, Dream Theater performed for the first time an album they called Master of Puppets, later illegally downloaded by Metallica and recorded as a studio album. In response, Dream Theater released Train of Thought, to show that they were blatantly the creators of all of Metallica's riffs. Similar things happened with Tool and Muse.

So Train of Thought is A re-release of Master of Puppets.

 

Symphonic Prog (Studio Album, 1969) KING CRIMSON "In the Court of the Crimson King" Review (Permanent link) by ProgressiveVoyage @ 7:09:16 AM EST, 10/20/2005    King Crimson began their days as a variety act led by Robert "Tony Visconti" Fripp known as "King Crimson And His Amazing Coconuts". Fripp was well-known for opening his concerts by saying, "I'm King Crimson, and these are my Coconuts!" A few years later, the band was railroaded by John "Moneyman" Wetton, who forced them to smash their wind instruments and go totally metal. This made Fripp so tired that he went into a deep sleep for five years. When he woke up, he found that a curse had been placed on him that would cause any band he touched to become King Crimson. The first and only victim of this curse was the Talking Heads. Fripp now wears rubber gloves, and it apparently counteracts the effect quite well. But this is a masterpiece, so buy it! ;)

RIO/Avant-Prog (Studio Album, 1975) ZAPPA, FRANK "One Size Fits All " Review (Permanent link) by ProgressiveVoyage @ 7:03:58 AM EST, 10/20/2005    Zappa's later career is most well known for his work, The Invention of Mothers in which he traces, in poetic form, the role of Satan in the fall of Eve and therefore in the beginning of sexual reproduction in humans. Zappa has a lot of followers in stavanger, a space-colony of Norway. Essential !!!!!     EMERSON LAKE & PALMER (ELP) Love Beach Review (Permanent link) by Matt @ 2:16:09 PM EST, 5/25/2004  —  LOVE BEACH???.... LOVE beach???..... love BEACH???..... love beach???..... (WTF?) Love Beach??? Waitaminutewaitaminute....LOVE BEACH??????? I'm sorry, for a moment I thought you said Love Beach..... Really!!! You're kidding!!! LOVE BEACH????? (OK, this isn't much of a review, but this isn't much of an album.)

 —  No, No, No, No, NO!!! Gentle Giant playing bad-quality pop?...YUCK!!!! But wait a minute, let's see if there are some positive sides about this album...mmmm...let's see...mmm...NOPE! Sorry! NO POSITIVE SIDES!!! The only reason i give this album one star is because of the Gentle Giant name!!! Nothing more!! For completionists ONLY!!!

 

DREAM THEATER Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence
Review by Malkishuah @ 11:54:01 AM EST, 4/17/2005

 —  "Live At Carnagie Hall" provokes to innominates feelings every time to me that I listen. The voice of Annie Haslam is the best one that it has never felt in Progressive field and also the others members make their dear part (Jon Camp and John Tout on all). Part with "Prologue" and endured you of the voice of Annie, energetic soprano, hard and very emotional and you of do not make in time to calm the hot spirits who here "Ocean Gypsy" where Annie makes you to come the Heart-trob! "Can You Understand" is one glad song, nearly from circus in some moments, nevertheless serious and engaged. "Carpet Of The Sun" is the confirmation that only a group of advanced level can conceive a such one masterpiece. If "Running Hard" is a energetic interval, "Mother Russia" is the nth one masterpiece excuted alsi in perfect way. Second CD it is opened with "Sheherazade" that plays with sonority and Arrangiaments ago orient them (therefore "Mother Russia" with elements of Russian music) and still one voice outside from common one. And what to say "Ashes Are Burning"? I would be lying if you did not say that also this is one perfect song, worthy to close perfect live! What to still say... Annie Haslam could be my mother and when they conceived the songs I was not still born, but this is music that I listen more gladly. And these are the songs that to more move me. As I hope you will have intuit I have little magnify the merits of this band, but with a voice therefore it could (and also today it can!) to be the Symphonic Progressive band and of it I have nth confirmation here. And if you will listen this disc you will not be able that to confirmmy thesis.