Greatest review ever written here: - Progressive Rock Music Forum

Author

Message

Topic Search

Topic Options

The Doctor View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator

Joined: June 23 2005
Location: The Tardis
Status: Offline
Points: 8543

Posted: November 26 2005 at 12:38

Lindsay Lohan wrote:

KING CRIMSON In the Court of the Crimson King
Review by Breed Lover @ 10:14:28 AM EST, 12/9/2003

— well jesus christ o mighty where do i start here, yes it's one of them [%*!#]ing crap pieces of [&*!#], robert fripp is a c**t and he sucks dildos all day long and greg lake bends over for michael giles, yes sounds like king crimson, well they suck and this album is crap, slipknot is class 5 stars for all their album, piss on this cd, snap it up, throw it in the bin and shove it up your minge and save your money, king crimson sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

This review is a classic. I especially loved "shove it up your minge" whatever that means.

I can understand your anger at me, but what did the horse I rode in on ever do to you?

Easy Livin View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin

Joined: February 21 2004
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 15585

Posted: November 26 2005 at 13:31

Stop scaring me! You're digging these up from other threads aren't you! Wink

salmacis

Forum Senior Member

Content Addition

Joined: April 10 2005
Status: Offline
Points: 3928

Posted: November 27 2005 at 09:38

I'm very proud to announce.....the return of Chit Winterwheat!!

YES Relayer progressive rock album and reviews

Symphonic Prog
(Studio Album, 1974)

YES "Relayer"
Review (Permanent link) by Chit Winterwheat
Posted 9:11:55 AM EST, 11/27/2005

The first thing you will notice about this album is that Rick Wakeman has been replaced by Patrick Moraz of "The Moody Blues" The first track, the epic "Gates Of Delerium" starts off with some tinkly keyboard playing, along with Steve howe playing some nice guitar harmonics. After a while of this, Jon Anderson enters the fray with the lyrics "Na na, na na, na na na na" which gives me a chickens skin at the beauty of its sound. the subject matter is about standing, fighting and considering, which slips seamlessly into somebody pounding out the devils sermon. The track then goes into a heavy jazzy section, with parts of it being a little King crimson" like, and others playing around with weird sounds and noises, akin to some of the heavier stuff of frank zappa. If my ears are not decieving me, i can also detect a wee bit of "Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen" influence there too. The end of the track is simply beautiful and makes me cry bitterly and for many hours every time i hear it. "Sound Chaser" sees more manic jazz from those Yes lads, with all the boys on top form. Jon Andersons vocals are harder on this one, and reminds me of a prototype John lydon. The final track "To Be Over" is a bit too chinese sounding for my liking, although it has some nice guitar lines from Steve Hackett, and some pleasant vocal sections, along with some soothing instrumentation from the rest of the Yessers. All in all this album is a great one by the Yes, and if you like more complicated prog and "Bob Dylan" you will love this slice of tasty Yes cake.

Cheers Chit

____________________________________________________________ _____________________

Some more hilarious errors and oddities- Steve Hackett in Yes? Kenny Ball influencing Yes??

The Bob Dylan bit makes me laugh...

Easy Livin View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin

Joined: February 21 2004
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 15585

Posted: November 27 2005 at 12:04

I'd never noticed the Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen bit in Relayer, but now he mentions it! LOL

The Doctor View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator

Joined: June 23 2005
Location: The Tardis
Status: Offline
Points: 8543

Posted: November 27 2005 at 12:17

Steve Hackett is such a great guitarist he doesn't even have to play on an album for his presence to be felt.

At least in this review there are no dominatrixes making guys dress up in women's clothing.

I can understand your anger at me, but what did the horse I rode in on ever do to you?

Ivan_Melgar_M View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator

Joined: April 27 2004
Location: Peru
Status: Offline
Points: 19535

Posted: November 28 2005 at 00:20

The Doctor wrote:

Steve Hackett is such a great guitarist he doesn't even have to play on an album for his presence to be felt.

Even if this guy didn't pretend it's 100% accurate, nobody really gave Steve Hackett the value he deserved until ATTW3 was released.

His absence was the best prove of his great quality.

Iván

BTW: After the dominatrix review, there's nothing that will ever surprise me, that was a materpiece.

Edited by ivan_2068

Bj-1

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator

Joined: June 04 2005
Location: No(r)Way
Status: Online
Points: 31352

Posted: November 28 2005 at 11:10

salmacis wrote:

I'm very proud to announce.....the return of Chit Winterwheat!!

Symphonic Prog
(Studio Album, 1974)

YES "Relayer"
Review (Permanent link) by Chit Winterwheat
Posted 9:11:55 AM EST, 11/27/2005

____________________________________________________________ _____________________

Some more hilarious errors and oddities- Steve Hackett in Yes? Kenny Ball influencing Yes??

The Bob Dylan bit makes me laugh...

HILARIOUS

RIO/AVANT/ZEUHL - The best thing you can get with yer pants on!

chopper

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator

Joined: July 13 2005
Location: Essex, UK
Status: Offline
Points: 20030

Posted: November 28 2005 at 11:46

That's what I'd expect from someone called Chit Winterwheat.

I'll have to listen to it again tonight to find where this "Kenny Ball" bit is.

salmacis

Forum Senior Member

Content Addition

Joined: April 10 2005
Status: Offline
Points: 3928

Posted: November 28 2005 at 15:08

Nobody even plays a trumpet on 'Relayer' as far as I recall- in fact, there's no brass at all...

PROGMAN

Forum Senior Member

VIP Member

Joined: February 03 2004
Location: Wales
Status: Offline
Points: 2664

Posted: November 29 2005 at 04:52

Check these out:

KING CRIMSON - Red
Review by tuxon @ 4:21:20 PM EST, 3/30/2005

— i dislike this album it sucks and i totally agree with Breed Lover Sslipknot is great it's a shame they are not in the archives and hope they will be added this album sucks and i hate robert fripp, you let me down, shame on you people, i am now listening to spice girls, westlife and slipknot instead.

DREAM THEATER Octavarium progressive rock album and reviews

DREAM THEATER - Octavarium (2005)
Review (Permanent link) by flowerchild @ 12:39:34 AM EST, 6/8/2005

— öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööökkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkäääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää äääääääääääääää ääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää ääääääääää ääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää ääääääääää ääääääääääääääääää%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%........................

RUSH Exit.....Stage Left (Live)
Review (Permanent link) by farting machine @ 4:28:51 PM EST, 6/13/2005

— GOD I HATE THIS ALBUM, RUSH PROG....... GIMME A BREAK. the blokes voice is noteless and far too pompus ott metal from the most boring [%*!#]ing country in the universe. give us fleetwood mac their prog......yeah right. what about slipknot them too more listenable than rush and dream theater both big [&*!#]ting jokes.

Chris88 wrote:

What is this?

YES - Going for the One (1977)
Review (Permanent link) by Tony R @ 4:27:43 PM EST, 8/18/2005

— I hate this album and I love Nightwish and Slipknot, I wish they could be added I urge you all to do a petition and get them in the archives now. YES is 1977 album GFTO is just dire to listen to and I agree with BREED LOVER, KARN EVIL 9 AND METALMAN, YES, KING CRIMSON and ELP arw wank.

I regret listening to prog now and i used to be Reed Lover and frenchie too!!

They are my boyfriends and I love frencie, and karny. kiss kiss 2 you both love from TONY R

These reviews are good enough for a comedy sketch show.

CYMRU AM BYTH

Lindsay Lohan View Drop Down

Forum Senior Member

Joined: May 25 2005
Location: Norway
Status: Offline
Points: 3254

Posted: November 29 2005 at 04:55

I think all those reviews are written by Flowerchild

PROGMAN

Forum Senior Member

VIP Member

Joined: February 03 2004
Location: Wales
Status: Offline
Points: 2664

Posted: November 29 2005 at 04:56

The Doctor wrote:

This review is a classic. I especially loved "shove it up your minge" whatever that means.

You don't want to know, it is a vile slang word for a female anatomy.

CYMRU AM BYTH

Lindsay Lohan View Drop Down

Forum Senior Member

Joined: May 25 2005
Location: Norway
Status: Offline
Points: 3254

Posted: November 29 2005 at 05:48

"STEEL MILL Green Eyed God
Review (Permanent link) by mazhar majeed @ 10:55:13 PM EST, 9/16/2004

— Respected sir, I am employee of Pakistan steel. And I have 25 years experience of laboratory tests analysis. I have experience and analysis in iron ore, sinter, BF sl*g, converter sl*g, lime, dolomite, silica sand, refectory material, fares and non fares materials. Water testing, gas testing and etc. I have also twelve years experience of as a shift incharge. I want to serve my abilities for your organization. Please give me opinions for to do job in your firm. I shell be thank full to you,

MAZHAR MAJEED Shift Incharge process Lab Pakistan steel Karachi. Pakistan. House no: p6/6 steel town Karachi Pakistan. Postal code: 75010

TOOL Lateralus
Review (Permanent link) by Who cares? @ 3:06:09 PM EST, 7/5/2005

— I just read the review by the hand of 'the Ryan' and I want to ask him if he lost his brains somewhere before the time he wrote it. First of all the discussion about Tool being a prog. rock band or not is absolutely retarded. It's simply impossible to create any genre that has absolutely definable 'borders'. Tool definitely has a progressive sound and we can all start whining a one another wheter or not it is prog rock, prog metal or whatever but what's the point in that? You either like them or you don't regardless what genre somebody stuck to it. 'The Ryan' clearly is a person who doesn't understand this concept and pathetically try's to define himself as a prog rock hardliner because that makes him feel like he truely belongs to some clique. This phenomenon is seen everywhere nowadays on all kinds of different 'levels' and it's absolutely pathetic. Some fine examples are the evergoing 'discussions' between ps2/xbox/ngc fanboys, black-metal fans telling other people what's 'true'(sigh) and so on. And it always comes down to 'yes it is/no it isn't' type conversations that are normal when you are 6 years old but you're supposed to realize someday they don't get you anywhere amd they are annoying beyond belief. If all those fanboys would just start listening to music without all those genre-based premature judgements and they would try to dicuss it while actually using arguments, we could spare ouselves the type of useless BS like mister know-it-all 'the ryan'

CAMEL Nude progressive rock album and reviews

CAMEL - Nude (1981)
Review (Permanent link) by Erik Neuteboom @ 7:18:28 AM EST, 8/7/2005
SPECIAL COLLABORATION

— What a beautiful album and what a stunning story about that Japanese soldier! All songs sound very pleasant and melodic featuring some very warm vocals and inspired soli on guitar from Andy 'Mr. plastic face' Latimer. Mel Collins on saxophone and Duncan Mackay on keyboards deliver a great contribution to this album and Herbie Flowers (I have seen this funny man a few times with SKY) is on the list of guest musicians. Highlights are "Captured" and "Lies" but this whole album is serie of good songs, sometimes a bit polished but in general I like this album because of its warm atmosphere.

NutterAlert View Drop Down

Forum Senior Member

Joined: June 07 2005
Location: In transition
Status: Offline
Points: 2808

Posted: November 29 2005 at 06:04

Lindsay Lohan wrote:

I like the idea of including your CV in a review.

Proud to be an un-banned member since 2005

Lindsay Lohan View Drop Down

Forum Senior Member

Joined: May 25 2005
Location: Norway
Status: Offline
Points: 3254

Posted: November 29 2005 at 07:44

OPETH Blackwater Park progressive rock album and reviews

Progressive Metal
(Studio Album, 2001)

OPETH "Blackwater Park"
Review (Permanent link) by Chinwag Shall We
Posted 7:33:04 AM EST, 11/29/2005

BLACKWATER PARK by OPETH is a concept album, and their debut with DREAM THEATER. The album includes the presence of STEVEN WILSON, singer and piano player of DREAM THEATER who also influences the band. He is very innovative.

Unlike OPETH's previous efforts(without STEVEN WILSON), this shows no sign of concept - the tracks are seperated and not tied up together like it was in MY ARMS YOUR HEARSE, and you have to read the lyrics to get the message, and sometimes even think about it yourself. The album tells us about the real, cruel, brutal world. It isn't just an imaginery story, because our today's world is really cruel and brutal, and real. Personally, I always imagine two little yellow-haired children going to a DEATH METAL concert. They are not special children, just normal two kids with yellow hair and love for true powerful music that possesses power. Of course, no story is without adventure and danger, and two children die during THE FUNERAL PORTRAIT and are buried during BLACKWATER PARK.

The songs are very diverse, yet follow a certain depressing mood. They show deep influence of such bands such as KING CRIMSON. The lyrics are deep and meaningful, showing all aspects of today's cruel, brutal and real life. Yellow-haired kids who like DEATH METAL are confronted with lepers, who they are forced to enter winter naked with, and I think it is a very evil song, that shows how children must avoid strangers. Bleak, the second song, has STEVEN WILSON who sings together with OPETH LEADER. The ending is very violent, very real and brutal, and the parts in the middle sometimes make me cry, being so emotional. However, this is the only song where DREAM THEATER and OPETH sing together. This is explained by the difference in style of the two bands. Harvest has no DEATH METAL in it, and is a big surprise. It shows diversity, the genre has inherited from KING CRIMSON and ETC. The next two songs are also surprising, as DEATH METAL only appears only later. And the last two real songs are tragic and brutal, and they are full of DEATH METAL with powerful guitars. I also find it funny that the drummer is called "LOPEZ". I think that way OPETH try to say how they despise POP MUSIC, that was created by beatles and other stupid hippys.

And what makes him belivie they played with Dream Theater?

Edited by Lindsay Lohan

Sean Trane View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Prog Folk

Joined: April 29 2004
Location: Heart of Europe
Status: Offline
Points: 20250

Posted: November 29 2005 at 08:09

ClemofNazareth wrote:

Another classic from Mr. Chantraine (he managed to work in a bit of a rant on the 80's too):

Review (Permanent link) by Hugues Chantraine @ 9:11:54 AM EST, 2/3/2004
SPECIAL COLLABORATION

1 stars — Released in 83 it is even worse , than its predecessor , it is the respect for the drummer that stops me from sinking this lower than the Titanic , but let's face it: Genesis was doing Abacrap, Yes did 90125 , Asia stunk, Styx Stunx, Jethro did the awful Wraps album,the Moody Blundered, letting only KC (without the Sunshine Band please) save somewhat the days with its trilogy (Discipline , Beat, Pair), so don't go expecting poor old Machiavel to save the world.

Hey I worked hard on that one you know!!!!

Although everyone owes a lot to drummer Marc Ysaye (he is the creator/director of state-owned classic rock radio if you can believe it), Machiavel is the joke of the century amongst Belgian progheads!!

Edited by Sean Trane

let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter
keep our sand-castle virtues
content to be a doer
as well as a thinker,
prefer lifting our pen
rather than un-sheath our sword

Sean Trane View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Prog Folk

Joined: April 29 2004
Location: Heart of Europe
Status: Offline
Points: 20250

Posted: November 29 2005 at 08:16

This is the one I consider my very own cl;assic review , I am still having fits of laughter when I think about it> I even play with some of the names of the tracks. Seriopusly if you listen to the album , it sounds like Nuclear Physics soundtracks! Believe me I know , I work in research centers!

AREA Caution Radiation Area
Review (Permanent link) by Hugues Chantraine @ 4:28:42 AM EST, 5/3/2005
SPECIAL COLLABORATION

— Warning!!!! This album is real hazard to anybody’s mental health and not just because of the radiations. Area’s chronological second album (third in the Archives list) is actually a secret document that the left-wing activists they were destining for the Soviet Block! Remember this was Cold War times

Forget the titles of the tracks above, as they should read:

1) U235 + Ar + Honey = Pu 240

2) Zyrconium Yaltanium Germanium (Precipita Zero)

3) H + He = Kaboum

4) U238 = Co60 + Cs137 + Fu 2 + n’ + n’

5) Lobotomia

If you think I am kidding you, get the album and you will actually hear what nuclear fission and nuclear fusion sound like, neutrons colliding with Vaginium69 . On the second track , torturing of a Co59 isotope whose nucleus is being ripped apart in order to evolve into Absurdium 89! On track 3 , you can hear a Zircon molecule copulating a Germanium electron on the G-string of the double-bass. How about that Strontium 90 isotope leaving an indelibile mark on contact with the snare drum for the fourth track! Then you shall listen to the last track , head out to CCCP and they will pull out this vital stuff!

Only recommended to terrorist , nuclear physicists and babies under two years of age!

Too bad we cannot add a few emoticons/smileys on reviews!

But nobody has actually revived Karl Evil Nein's review of BSS!!!!

Amateurs!!!

Edited by Sean Trane

let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter
keep our sand-castle virtues
content to be a doer
as well as a thinker,
prefer lifting our pen
rather than un-sheath our sword

Easy Livin View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin

Joined: February 21 2004
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 15585

Posted: November 29 2005 at 08:40

Re the Steel Mill review, it's good to see the site monitor picked up those naughty words in it. LOL

Dick Heath View Drop Down

Special Collaborator

Jazz-Rock Specialist

Joined: April 19 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12813

Posted: November 30 2005 at 09:02

Easy Livin wrote:

I'd never noticed the Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen bit in Relayer, but now he mentions it! LOL

Acker Bilk surely

PROGMAN

Forum Senior Member

VIP Member

Joined: February 03 2004
Location: Wales
Status: Offline
Points: 2664

Posted: November 30 2005 at 09:24

The Breed Lover reviews have no mention of the albums in general, all he does is abuse the band members, constantly blabbing on about Slipknot, and advise on how to dispose of the albums, also he has reviewed albums that are very popular with proggers and are giving each 0 stars just to p*ss them off if you think about it.

Farting Machine's Rush review was just hilarious.

What's everyones favourite review here so far?

CYMRU AM BYTH