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Rust View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 22:22
A lot of my poetry is supposed to be a song as well, either way it's all good.
We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
Its astart
What we need is awareness we cant get careless
Mental self defensive fitness
Make everybody see in order to fight the powers that be
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 22:08
It's actually supposed to be song, if that means anything.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:39
Ya, that line is good but doesn't flow. You could change it to this,
 
 
a plastic generation following and dieing for a plastic nation
Overall it was fine though. You do have a deffinite voice in your poetry, and i think that is most important when writing it.
We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
Its astart
What we need is awareness we cant get careless
Mental self defensive fitness
Make everybody see in order to fight the powers that be
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:29
Well when reading them, they seem a little garbled and sometimes long and it takes me off track.

Especially here: a plastic generation dieing for and following a plastic nation

An unnatural pause occurs and it's a little offputting for me.


Edited by Geck0 - July 23 2006 at 21:29
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:24
Originally posted by Geck0 Geck0 wrote:

Some of the verses are a bit... well... spurgled.
What does that mean?Confused
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:23
Some of the verses are a bit... well... spurgled.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:20
Any comments on mine?
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:09
Well it's someone in the prog world and someone I very much admire as a lyricist.  This poem influenced me to write a poem myself.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 21:03
Originally posted by Geck0 Geck0 wrote:

Guess who wrote this:

"FLIES

As I opened the back door,
two flies were copulating on the cooker:
I found this very significant.
Late at night, my hand groped
for the aerosol.

They stayed together for the first
few seconds, wings scorched in the sudden fire,
minds disintegrating in the deadly mist.
Quite suddenly, the male tore himself away
from his penis
and dropped to the floor.
She remained, rolling around on the white enamel
and then fell through a crack into the oven.
Perhaps she had been a virgin
and thought this was what always happened.

I ate my egg
with a few pangs of conscience.
Later that night these disappeared
when another fly
shat on me from the light bulb
above my bed."
 
Reminded me of "I saw a fly before I died." by Emily Dickensen, it has about nothing to do with it though, but whoever wrote it might have made a reference or two about her.
We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
Its astart
What we need is awareness we cant get careless
Mental self defensive fitness
Make everybody see in order to fight the powers that be
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 20:45
Guess who wrote this:

"FLIES

As I opened the back door,
two flies were copulating on the cooker:
I found this very significant.
Late at night, my hand groped
for the aerosol.

They stayed together for the first
few seconds, wings scorched in the sudden fire,
minds disintegrating in the deadly mist.
Quite suddenly, the male tore himself away
from his penis
and dropped to the floor.
She remained, rolling around on the white enamel
and then fell through a crack into the oven.
Perhaps she had been a virgin
and thought this was what always happened.

I ate my egg
with a few pangs of conscience.
Later that night these disappeared
when another fly
shat on me from the light bulb
above my bed."
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 20:44
I wrote this earlier today, it's not surreal like my others.
 
tough time, trying to find where you left your mind
walking down the street, trying to stay on your feet
say goodbye to the catcher in the rye
facing the fact someday your gonna die
people kill just to fufill there lust to see blood spill
a plastic generation dieing for and following a plastic nation
fanatics control a people whole, suffering behind there own backs
the only to get to this mindless old sod is through religion, superstition, bible, and god
the people who rule us would do facism proud
but be careful not to say your opinion too loud
must be doped up on reality, cause death, lies, decieit, is all I see on T.V.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 20:41
Well, you have to think very much outside of the box to know what it's about.  Think of President Bush... I just gave it away!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 20:39
I liked that, Geck0. Clap
 
It's kinda spooky, maybe it's all the death/pain/evil reverences and allusions.
We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
Its astart
What we need is awareness we cant get careless
Mental self defensive fitness
Make everybody see in order to fight the powers that be
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 20:31
Yey, mine is certainly Hammillesque, but I don't think Mickey's is, it rhymes too much Wink

I prefer the former, to the latter I must say.

Here's an old one, you may have read it before, I cannot remember!  But because it is old, it's less structured (not that my poems have much structure!) and isn't as good as my later efforts:

No Light Shines On Us Anymore

Swirling archangels crash and burn; trying to fly,
The lesser angels are in laughter, cherubs smile.
Defenceless against the evil thoughts of man,
All heavenly beings will soon crash and burn too;
To perish.  Angels, Seraphs and Cherubs, all spirits.
Man thinks not of green, but of crimson and black.

Blood red.
Dark, purile.  Dripping.
Tap.
Screams of pain.
Tap.
Screams of anger.
Tap.
Cries of laughter.
Tap.
They laugh at life;
They laugh at death.
A nefarious fiend is taking over.

Sliding...
Angels disappear into nothingness.
The never ending ramp of life, broken.
Nothing to arrive at except nothingness.
Bleak.  Empty.  Black.
A Spatial abyss.

All known light now fades.
Walls crumble, silence arrives.

Silence arrives abruptly.

God itself is now disturbed; it  feels uneasy.
It is sinking.  Its  empire collapsing around it.

Not dying, but metamorphosizing.
The once sexless, neutral personification.

Turning male, turning evil.  Eyes now glowing.
Piercing red eyes of death, focusing on one and all.
He is now completing his metamorphosis.

Limbo is no longer.
Heaven is no longer.
Even hell has gone.

This is far more evil than satan ever was.
Satan enjoyed his evil lifeforms.
The new personification of evil wants death.

He wants no living, he just wants our hearts to stop.
He won't even live long himself, he is not immortal.

He is as  mortal as we all were.
He just had the means to destroy us.
All of us.  Himself included.

Goodbye Earth.  Goodbye Life.

Geck0 - 20th March 2005.


But it is more depressing than most of my work.  Also written before I really got into VdGG, so it's far less VdGG influenced.


Edited by Geck0 - July 23 2006 at 20:34
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 20:25
Great stuff, Wizard! The first one felt, Hammil'ish', kinda the same mood as Geck0's, and very graphic. Thumbs Up
We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
Its astart
What we need is awareness we cant get careless
Mental self defensive fitness
Make everybody see in order to fight the powers that be
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 13:58
This one is called 'Lost in Earthly Hell While Being Exposed to the Eyes of Lucifer'
 
 
I'm lost in here
weakened by fear
can't see ahead
at best I'm dead
the rats have overrun my mind
only darkness lies behind
but the light grows nearer
even though I'm lost in this hell
I no longer give a sh*t if I live or die
and god just sits there, doesnt bother to cry
all this doggone divinity Is just a lie
but the light feels nearby
so I'll hold hands with my soul
and with them i'll pull....through this place!
and I hear a voice from below and it tells me to give up
to give up and give in, give up and give in
I don't know what to decide my head is in a spin
but the lights still there to me
one more stretch and i'll be free
oh lord, please talk to me
or are you just a lie?
my strength lives just with I
 
This one's called 'Let the Solar Needles Probe Your Mind'
 

I was lost in the cosmic city
I could electricity around my head
I was trying to keep track, not look back
My mind left my body behind
ya gotta let you mind vibrate at it's own frequency
tune in to your soul
Heavens isn't up there, it isn't down here either
It's all exist in your head
The only thing you take when your dead
Don't listen to society, don't heed to there lies
there should no limit to what thoughts your mind tries
you may call me a madman, I think your a sadman
you only see in the plain
it's like your looking across the horizon in heavy rain
you hear a voice from your mind, it's screaming
to feel the unknown feeling
I pity you you might as well lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling
no depth in you livingm thought or feeling
you'll rot away, and store away, and throw away, all the thoughts that matter
your perception just continues to get flatter
think electric thoughts, feel cosmic vibes
Every cliche in a Hawkwind song can be found in that one!Wink
 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 13:52
Originally posted by Trouserpress Trouserpress wrote:

Originally posted by Rust Rust wrote:

Actually Trouserpress, I am a bit educated in the Dada movement and its leaders.
 
Thanks to that movement an even better one emerged, The Surreal Movement.
 
 
Matter of opinion. Wink
Dada had more raw energy and passion than Surrealism, while Surrealism was more refined and thought out. Both are great, I don't know which one I prefer to be honest.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 13:47
Originally posted by Rust Rust wrote:

Actually Trouserpress, I am a bit educated in the Dada movement and its leaders.
 
Thanks to that movement an even better one emerged, The Surreal Movement.
 
 
Matter of opinion. Wink
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 13:02
Again, wonderful!  Well done!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: July 23 2006 at 12:25
Here is a continuation of my favorite Langston Hughes poem, The Lonely Blues. I just kinda made my own story, but it follows the end of the poem. It's a few months old so it may not be a fresh as my new recent stuff.
 
 
 
 

In The Life Of The Blues Man

The singer stopped playing and went to bed

While the Weary Blues echoed through his head.

He slept like a rock or a man that's dead.

He tossed and turned….

He tossed and turned….

The next morning he woke broke with a pain in his neck.

Though he slept well, he ached like a wreck.

"To much pain today" he would wearily say,

"Why O' lord, O' why is my life this way?"

No sunshine….

"It's a grey sky, I gotta sing till nine,

It's rainin' all the time, I gotta survive through crime."

Clouds of rain….

Singing on stage for a cheap 25 dollars,

The blues man received tips and hollers.

"More Blues!"

"Sing it Brotha!"

The blues man gave them more weary blues

Through his slow but steady heart-breaking tunes.

Fingers hammered those flattened 7th keys

He sang his melodies with "Oh"'s and ease.

"My wife she left me

And got a brown eyed man.

She told me he gave her

What no other man can."

His audience was kinder than his much needed pay.

They puffed their marijuana joints while they watched him play.

He played weary blues for a while then quit

As he decided that jazz would better fit.

O Jazz!

Sweet Jazz!

Liven up that room full of gloom after a song or two,

Make them dance instead of tapping their tired shoe.

His heart lightened from the jazzy tunes.

The tempo sped but not a moment to soon,

Swaying lazy from left to right,

The marijuana's haze altered his hearing and sight.

Swaying to and fro….

To and fro….

He sped up his once weary piano,

To a beat that would satisfy even a rascal fellow.

Next came in as if saying "Hello"

The mellow string cello

Nice and slow.

Followed by a guitar with a pedal.

"Wah wahhh, wa wahhh"

Sang the trumpet who talked his way to leading the play.

Those dirty drums they played like a marcher in a parade.

"Tsit, ba dump, paa, pa pah"

"Tsit, bu dap, padap paahh"

The bass pounded a maddened heart beat

He would keep creeping like a killer on the street.

Altogether those separate instruments sang

Each with their own tap, pang, clap and clang.

All the while The Blues Man raged,

To the impeccable rhythm contained on stage.

"A man that ain't got no woman,

Is like a fish ready for cookin'.

He's that car without a wheel.

He's out fishin' without a reel.

A man with a woman's like a tiger on a leash

Got no freedom cus' she's ironing your crease.

If you fishin' in a pond

You be sure that she's gone

Cus if you ain't careful

She'll cast your own rod."

It was not hard for the spectators to applaud

"More Jazz!"

To the sketchy yet catchy jazz tunes.

Everyone cheered like drunken buffoons.

All through that moonlit night

They grooved while high as a kite.

The room was full of smoke and song

As they jammed all night long.

The Blues Man changed his name to The Jazzy Jester.

It was his gesture to pester those men who were lesser.

He decided his jumpy jazz was here to stay

As it made him much more mellow today.

He would throw away his old blue attitude,

And trade it in for a new green jazz mood.


 

 

We got to pump the stuff to make us tough
from the heart
Its astart
What we need is awareness we cant get careless
Mental self defensive fitness
Make everybody see in order to fight the powers that be
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