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Bj-1 
Special Collaborator 
Honorary Collaborator Joined: June 04 2005 Location: No(r)Way Status: Offline Points: 31327 |
 Topic: Greatest review ever written here:Posted: December 08 2005 at 20:37 |
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Here's some of my favorites:  Progressive Metal(Studio Album, 2003) DREAM THEATER "Train Of Thought"  In 1979, Dream Theater performed for the first time an album they called Master of Puppets, later illegally downloaded by Metallica and recorded as a studio album. In response, Dream Theater released Train of Thought, to show that they were blatantly the creators of all of Metallica's riffs. Similar things happened with Tool and Muse. So Train of Thought is A re-release of Master of Puppets.
Review (Permanent link) by Octafish @ 8:47:00 PM EST, 1/17/2005 — No, No, No, No, NO!!! Gentle Giant playing bad-quality pop?...YUCK!!!! But wait a minute, let's see if there are some positive sides about this album...mmmm...let's see...mmm...NOPE! Sorry! NO POSITIVE SIDES!!! The only reason i give this album one star is because of the Gentle Giant name!!! Nothing more!! For completionists ONLY!!! DREAM THEATER Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence  — This is indeed one of Dream Theaters greatest albums. I will reffer an anlysis later on maybe, but for now i would like to point out the amazing unconcidential connection between Dream's best albums.. Well at first notice the connection between the music in Images and Words and the Storyline and Music in Scenes From a Memory, later on the realation between the Metropolis from Awake and the beats and Music in Hone from Scenes... if you get in it for real it's truely amazing whats going on there. And last, notice the incredible corolation and similarity between the end of Scenes, and i quote:"nan nan ana 'wake up Nicholas'.. -'ahhhh' - chrshhshshshshshshshsshshshshsshhshshshshshsshsh...", and the begining of Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence, in Glass Prison, and I quote:"...shhhschshcshschschshschschchsshchhcsc dong... shdshhdshshhchschsch dong....." and so on. is it not incredibley funky? i mean shat. DREAM THEATER - Train Of Thought (2003)Review by 23Skidoo @ 7:29:00 PM EST, 5/20/2005  — ...but this one is not even good! But don't listen to me I'm just a DT fan boy. LALAllALLalLLlaLAL Fan BOY FAN BOY AKLLAlalLALaL I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYTHING! ALLALalLALlaL DONT EVEN LISTEN TO ME !!>!>!>!>> LALALA. yeah ok... You don't even know. Hail Eris. Hail Discordia. 23 Skidoo. For those who understand. Fnord.  |
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RIO/AVANT/ZEUHL - The best thing you can get with yer pants on!
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mortem
Forum Groupie 
Joined: October 06 2005 Location: Mexico Status: Offline Points: 55 |
Posted: November 30 2005 at 19:43 |
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ohhhh my god, I'm so glad someone else noticed that review as well!!!!!! I hope the whole thing is a joke... cuz I was like DT?! OPETH?! JENNIFER LOPEZ?! WTF'S WITH THIS GUY?! hahahaha stop doing drugs, kids, Uncle Morty's tip of the day  *wink* |
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PROGMAN
Forum Senior Member 
VIP Member Joined: February 03 2004 Location: Wales Status: Offline Points: 2664 |
Posted: November 30 2005 at 09:24 |
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Farting Machine's Rush review was just hilarious.
What's everyones favourite review here so far?
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CYMRU AM BYTH
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Dick Heath
Special Collaborator
Jazz-Rock Specialist Joined: April 19 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12813 |
Posted: November 30 2005 at 09:02 |
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Acker Bilk surely |
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Easy Livin
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin Joined: February 21 2004 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 15585 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 08:40 |
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Re the Steel Mill review, it's good to see the site monitor picked up those naughty words in it.
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Sean Trane
Special Collaborator
Prog Folk Joined: April 29 2004 Location: Heart of Europe Status: Online Points: 20240 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 08:16 |
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This is the one I consider my very own cl;assic review , I am still having fits of laughter when I think about it>
AREA Caution Radiation Area  — Warning!!!! This album is real hazard to anybody’s mental health and not just because of the radiations. Area’s chronological second album (third in the Archives list) is actually a secret document that the left-wing activists they were destining for the Soviet Block! Remember this was Cold War timesForget the titles of the tracks above, as they should read: 1) U235 + Ar + Honey = Pu 240 2) Zyrconium Yaltanium Germanium (Precipita Zero) 3) H + He = Kaboum 4) U238 = Co60 + Cs137 + Fu 2 + n’ + n’ 5) Lobotomia If you think I am kidding you, get the album and you will actually hear what nuclear fission and nuclear fusion sound like, neutrons colliding with Vaginium69 . On the second track , torturing of a Co59 isotope whose nucleus is being ripped apart in order to evolve into Absurdium 89! On track 3 , you can hear a Zircon molecule copulating a Germanium electron on the G-string of the double-bass. How about that Strontium 90 isotope leaving an indelibile mark on contact with the snare drum for the fourth track! Then you shall listen to the last track , head out to CCCP and they will pull out this vital stuff! Only recommended to terrorist , nuclear physicists and babies under two years of age! Too bad we cannot add a few emoticons/smileys on reviews!
But nobody has actually revived Karl Evil Nein's review of BSS!!!!
Amateurs!!! Edited by Sean Trane |
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let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter keep our sand-castle virtues content to be a doer as well as a thinker, prefer lifting our pen rather than un-sheath our sword |
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Sean Trane
Special Collaborator
Prog Folk Joined: April 29 2004 Location: Heart of Europe Status: Online Points: 20240 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 08:09 |
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Hey I worked hard on that one you know!!!! Although everyone owes a lot to drummer Marc Ysaye (he is the creator/director of state-owned classic rock radio if you can believe it), Machiavel is the joke of the century amongst Belgian progheads!! Edited by Sean Trane |
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let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter keep our sand-castle virtues content to be a doer as well as a thinker, prefer lifting our pen rather than un-sheath our sword |
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Lindsay Lohan
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 25 2005 Location: Norway Status: Offline Points: 3254 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 07:44 |
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 Progressive Metal(Studio Album, 2001) Review (Permanent link) by Chinwag Shall We Posted 7:33:04 AM EST, 11/29/2005 BLACKWATER PARK by OPETH is a concept album, and their debut with DREAM THEATER. The album includes the presence of STEVEN WILSON, singer and piano player of DREAM THEATER who also influences the band. He is very innovative.Unlike OPETH's previous efforts(without STEVEN WILSON), this shows no sign of concept - the tracks are seperated and not tied up together like it was in MY ARMS YOUR HEARSE, and you have to read the lyrics to get the message, and sometimes even think about it yourself. The album tells us about the real, cruel, brutal world. It isn't just an imaginery story, because our today's world is really cruel and brutal, and real. Personally, I always imagine two little yellow-haired children going to a DEATH METAL concert. They are not special children, just normal two kids with yellow hair and love for true powerful music that possesses power. Of course, no story is without adventure and danger, and two children die during THE FUNERAL PORTRAIT and are buried during BLACKWATER PARK. The songs are very diverse, yet follow a certain depressing mood. They show deep influence of such bands such as KING CRIMSON. The lyrics are deep and meaningful, showing all aspects of today's cruel, brutal and real life. Yellow-haired kids who like DEATH METAL are confronted with lepers, who they are forced to enter winter naked with, and I think it is a very evil song, that shows how children must avoid strangers. Bleak, the second song, has STEVEN WILSON who sings together with OPETH LEADER. The ending is very violent, very real and brutal, and the parts in the middle sometimes make me cry, being so emotional. However, this is the only song where DREAM THEATER and OPETH sing together. This is explained by the difference in style of the two bands. Harvest has no DEATH METAL in it, and is a big surprise. It shows diversity, the genre has inherited from KING CRIMSON and ETC. The next two songs are also surprising, as DEATH METAL only appears only later. And the last two real songs are tragic and brutal, and they are full of DEATH METAL with powerful guitars. I also find it funny that the drummer is called "LOPEZ". I think that way OPETH try to say how they despise POP MUSIC, that was created by beatles and other stupid hippys. And what makes him belivie they played with Dream Theater? Edited by Lindsay Lohan |
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NutterAlert
Forum Senior Member
Joined: June 07 2005 Location: In transition Status: Offline Points: 2808 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 06:04 |
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Proud to be an un-banned member since 2005
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Lindsay Lohan
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 25 2005 Location: Norway Status: Offline Points: 3254 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 05:48 |
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"STEEL MILL Green Eyed God TOOL Lateralus  — I just read the review by the hand of 'the Ryan' and I want to ask him if he lost his brains somewhere before the time he wrote it. First of all the discussion about Tool being a prog. rock band or not is absolutely retarded. It's simply impossible to create any genre that has absolutely definable 'borders'. Tool definitely has a progressive sound and we can all start whining a one another wheter or not it is prog rock, prog metal or whatever but what's the point in that? You either like them or you don't regardless what genre somebody stuck to it. 'The Ryan' clearly is a person who doesn't understand this concept and pathetically try's to define himself as a prog rock hardliner because that makes him feel like he truely belongs to some clique. This phenomenon is seen everywhere nowadays on all kinds of different 'levels' and it's absolutely pathetic. Some fine examples are the evergoing 'discussions' between ps2/xbox/ngc fanboys, black-metal fans telling other people what's 'true'(sigh) and so on. And it always comes down to 'yes it is/no it isn't' type conversations that are normal when you are 6 years old but you're supposed to realize someday they don't get you anywhere amd they are annoying beyond belief. If all those fanboys would just start listening to music without all those genre-based premature judgements and they would try to dicuss it while actually using arguments, we could spare ouselves the type of useless BS like mister know-it-all 'the ryan' CAMEL - Nude (1981)Review (Permanent link) by Erik Neuteboom @ 7:18:28 AM EST, 8/7/2005 SPECIAL COLLABORATION — What a beautiful album and what a stunning story about that Japanese soldier! All songs sound very pleasant and melodic featuring some very warm vocals and inspired soli on guitar from Andy 'Mr. plastic face' Latimer. Mel Collins on saxophone and Duncan Mackay on keyboards deliver a great contribution to this album and Herbie Flowers (I have seen this funny man a few times with SKY) is on the list of guest musicians. Highlights are "Captured" and "Lies" but this whole album is serie of good songs, sometimes a bit polished but in general I like this album because of its warm atmosphere. |
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PROGMAN
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member Joined: February 03 2004 Location: Wales Status: Offline Points: 2664 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 04:56 |
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You don't want to know, it is a vile slang word for a female anatomy. |
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CYMRU AM BYTH
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Lindsay Lohan
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 25 2005 Location: Norway Status: Offline Points: 3254 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 04:55 |
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^ I think all those reviews are written by Flowerchild |
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PROGMAN
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member Joined: February 03 2004 Location: Wales Status: Offline Points: 2664 |
Posted: November 29 2005 at 04:52 |
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— i dislike this album it sucks and i totally agree with Breed Lover Sslipknot is great it's a shame they are not in the archives and hope they will be added this album sucks and i hate robert fripp, you let me down, shame on you people, i am now listening to spice girls, westlife and slipknot instead.  DREAM THEATER - Octavarium (2005)Review (Permanent link) by flowerchild @ 12:39:34 AM EST, 6/8/2005 — öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööö öööööööööökkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkäääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää äääääääääääääää ääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää ääääääääää ääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääää ääääääääää ääääääääääääääääää%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%........................ RUSH Exit.....Stage Left (Live) Review (Permanent link) by farting machine @ 4:28:51 PM EST, 6/13/2005 — GOD I HATE THIS ALBUM, RUSH PROG....... GIMME A BREAK. the blokes voice is noteless and far too pompus ott metal from the most boring [%*!#]ing country in the universe. give us fleetwood mac their prog......yeah right. what about slipknot them too more listenable than rush and dream theater both big [&*!#]ting jokes. Chris88 wrote:
These reviews are good enough for a comedy sketch show. |
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CYMRU AM BYTH
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salmacis
Forum Senior Member
Content Addition Joined: April 10 2005 Status: Offline Points: 3928 |
Posted: November 28 2005 at 15:08 |
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Nobody even plays a trumpet on 'Relayer' as far as I recall- in fact, there's no brass at all...
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chopper
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator Joined: July 13 2005 Location: Essex, UK Status: Offline Points: 20030 |
Posted: November 28 2005 at 11:46 |
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That's what I'd expect from someone called Chit Winterwheat. I'll have to listen to it again tonight to find where this "Kenny Ball" bit is. |
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Bj-1
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator Joined: June 04 2005 Location: No(r)Way Status: Offline Points: 31327 |
Posted: November 28 2005 at 11:10 |
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RIO/AVANT/ZEUHL - The best thing you can get with yer pants on!
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Ivan_Melgar_M
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator Joined: April 27 2004 Location: Peru Status: Offline Points: 19535 |
Posted: November 28 2005 at 00:20 |
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Even if this guy didn't pretend it's 100% accurate, nobody really gave Steve Hackett the value he deserved until ATTW3 was released. His absence was the best prove of his great quality. Iván BTW: After the dominatrix review, there's nothing that will ever surprise me, that was a materpiece. Edited by ivan_2068 |
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The Doctor
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator Joined: June 23 2005 Location: The Tardis Status: Offline Points: 8543 |
Posted: November 27 2005 at 12:17 |
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Steve Hackett is such a great guitarist he doesn't even have to play on an album for his presence to be felt. At least in this review there are no dominatrixes making guys dress up in women's clothing. |
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I can understand your anger at me, but what did the horse I rode in on ever do to you?
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Easy Livin
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin Joined: February 21 2004 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 15585 |
Posted: November 27 2005 at 12:04 |
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I'd never noticed the Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen bit in Relayer, but now he mentions it!
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salmacis
Forum Senior Member
Content Addition Joined: April 10 2005 Status: Offline Points: 3928 |
Posted: November 27 2005 at 09:38 |
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I'm very proud to announce.....the return of Chit Winterwheat!!
 Symphonic Prog(Studio Album, 1974) YES "Relayer" The first thing you will notice about this album is that Rick Wakeman has been replaced by Patrick Moraz of "The Moody Blues" The first track, the epic "Gates Of Delerium" starts off with some tinkly keyboard playing, along with Steve howe playing some nice guitar harmonics. After a while of this, Jon Anderson enters the fray with the lyrics "Na na, na na, na na na na" which gives me a chickens skin at the beauty of its sound. the subject matter is about standing, fighting and considering, which slips seamlessly into somebody pounding out the devils sermon. The track then goes into a heavy jazzy section, with parts of it being a little King crimson" like, and others playing around with weird sounds and noises, akin to some of the heavier stuff of frank zappa. If my ears are not decieving me, i can also detect a wee bit of "Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen" influence there too. The end of the track is simply beautiful and makes me cry bitterly and for many hours every time i hear it. "Sound Chaser" sees more manic jazz from those Yes lads, with all the boys on top form. Jon Andersons vocals are harder on this one, and reminds me of a prototype John lydon. The final track "To Be Over" is a bit too chinese sounding for my liking, although it has some nice guitar lines from Steve Hackett, and some pleasant vocal sections, along with some soothing instrumentation from the rest of the Yessers. All in all this album is a great one by the Yes, and if you like more complicated prog and "Bob Dylan" you will love this slice of tasty Yes cake.Cheers Chit ____________________________________________________________ _____________________
Some more hilarious errors and oddities- Steve Hackett in Yes? Kenny Ball influencing Yes??
The Bob Dylan bit makes me laugh...
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Greatest review ever written here:
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PROGMAN wrote:
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KING CRIMSON - Red