Jokes - Dare you be crucified!
Printed From: Progarchives.com
Category: Topics not related to music
Forum Name: Just for Fun
Forum Description: Participate in trivia and knowledge games, share jokes, etc.
URL: http://www.progarchives.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=96795
Printed Date: December 11 2024 at 23:44
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.01 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Jokes - Dare you be crucified!
Posted By: Chris S
Subject: Jokes - Dare you be crucified!
Date Posted: January 20 2014 at 02:16
|
An Irish athlete walks up to a man at the Olympic games and asks him " Are you a Pole Vaulter?"
The man pauses and replies " No I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"  ------------- ...As I venture through the slipstream, between the viaducts in your dreams...[/COLOR] |
Replies:
Posted By: Tom Ozric
Date Posted: January 20 2014 at 03:23
| Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted........ |
Posted By: HolyMoly
Date Posted: January 20 2014 at 10:01
|
A gin and tonic walks into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve drinks here". ------------- My other avatar is a Porsche It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -Kehlog Albran |
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 20 2014 at 10:56
|
A daffodil, a plastic sparrow and a bowl of cold custard walk in to a bar. The bartender yells, "Oi! what kind of a joke is this?!" ------------- What? |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 20 2014 at 12:26
| A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Larry?" |
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: January 20 2014 at 18:48
|
What's stucco? What happens when you step in bubblegummo. What has three balls and flies through space? Why was six afraid of seven? ------------- Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened... 
|
Posted By: Chris S
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 02:40
|
Haha they are all good one liners, inane and funny. Larry the Grasshopper steals it so far methinks! Wish people to could do some more, sigh
------------- ...As I venture through the slipstream, between the viaducts in your dreams...[/COLOR] |
Posted By: Tom Ozric
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 06:09
| Did you here the one about the dyslexic pimp ?? He bought a wharehouse |
Posted By: presdoug
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 08:15
|
What is the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe? A canoe tips. I am not anti-semantic. Some of my best friends are words. You know what they say about Hitler? The fewer, the better. You know that the great composers of the past were composing-know what they are doing now? Decomposing. |
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 13:23
|
"Moriarty, where are you?" "Here. In the piano" "What the devil are you doing in there?" "I'm hidin' " "Don't be silly, Haydn's been dead for years." ------------- What? |
Posted By: HolyMoly
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 13:33
|
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a half a beer. The second one orders a fourth of a beer. The third one orders an eighth of a beer. The fourth one orders a sixteenth of a beer. The bartender stops them and pours a single beer and says, "you guys should know your limit." or something like that. ------------- My other avatar is a Porsche It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -Kehlog Albran |
Posted By: martinprog77
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 16:32
------------- Nothing can last there are no second chances. Never give a day away. Always live for today. |
Posted By: presdoug
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:27
|
What do you get when you throw a Grand piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. What do you get when you drop a Grand piano down an army base? A flat major. How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? IT DOESN'T MATTER!  How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. |
Posted By: presdoug
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:29
| 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions. |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:44
 |
HolyMoly wrote:Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:50
|
Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes causing him to develop tough callouses on his feet. He rarely ate and so became frail. When he did eat, he only ate fruit, giving him foul-smelling breath. I suppose one could call him a "super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis." Did you hear about the Parisian coffee scandal? It's put the French press in a buzz. Steak puns are a rare medium well done. |
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:54
since the advent of modern LED light bulbs lead guitarists don't change bulbs at all, they do however spend a lot of time saying how much better the old glass bulbs were. The rest of the time they are arguing over whether Hendrix, Clapton or Page would have done it better. ...so to my least favourite instrument ...when you can lob a pedal steel guitar into a pit without hitting the rim. Did you hear about the pedal steel guitarist who claimed he could play 32nd notes, no one believed him so he proved it by playing one. How do you get a pedal steel guitarist to play slowly? ... give him sheet music to play. What's the difference between a woman and a pedal steel guitar? ...eventually the woman will stop whining. Vibrato - a pedal steel guitarist trying to find the note. Pedal steel guitarists spend half their time tuning and half their time playing out of tune. ------------- What? |
Posted By: The Pessimist
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 17:55
May I add to this? How do you make a guitarist play quieter? Put some sheet music in front of him. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, a piano player can do it with his left hand. What does a piano player use for contraception? His personality. How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door? He slows down. EDIT: That maths one was a belter! ------------- "Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value." Arnold Schoenberg |
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 18:12
|
So... this guy goes up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mesa Boogie head, a 4 x 12 cab, one PRS custom 24 in black gold burst, a vintage American Strat, a Jim Dunlop Cry Baby and a set of the best leads money can buy"... The chap behind the counter nods appreciatively and then says "You're Phil Collins aren't you?" "Yes" says Phil sheepishly, "How'd you guess?" ..."because this is Pizza Hut." ------------- What? |
Posted By: Triceratopsoil
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 20:33
|
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said "hey." The horse said "sure." |
Posted By: Triceratopsoil
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 20:36
|
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan |
Posted By: Triceratopsoil
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 20:38
| When I showed up late for the cannibal potluck, they gave me the cold shoulder |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 21:16
| Cold shoulders are good. |
Posted By: ExittheLemming
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 21:23
|
Keith Richards gives his pillow face marks
------------- 
|
Posted By: Triceratopsoil
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 23:12
|
Why did Nebuchadnezzar's scribe have trouble recording his speeches? He tended to Babylon. |
Posted By: Dayvenkirq
Date Posted: January 21 2014 at 23:32
| I was sweeping the floor with my cousin. Now I have to clean his clothes. |
Posted By: Chris S
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 03:01
------------- ...As I venture through the slipstream, between the viaducts in your dreams...[/COLOR] |
Posted By: ProgMetaller2112
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 04:26
I don't get it? I don't have any jokes ------------- “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” ― George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four "Ignorance and Prejudice and Fear walk Hand in Hand"- Neil Peart |
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 04:50
Andrey was sweeping the floor with his cousin, and now he has to clean his clothes.   Andrey and his cousin were previously sweeping the floor and now Andrey is doing the all laundry so we must assume that his cousin is sitting in the clean apartment wearing nothing but a smile, unless of course he has a change of clothes, in which case it's not that funny, so I think the assumption that Andrey's cousin currently without clothing is the punchline of the joke, unless of course the comedic moment is the realisation that Andrey lives in a really dirty house where you have to clean your clothes every time you sweep the floor, and I for one find that very difficult to believe, if only for the fact that houses cannot possibly get that dirty (and that Andrey seems like a nice clean person who would never let his home get into such a state).  ------------- What? |
Posted By: Triceratopsoil
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 07:51
| Andrey's cousin enjoys household chores so we was drooling happily to himself |
Posted By: irrelevant
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 10:00
best one so far. ------------- https://gabebuller.bandcamp.com/" rel="nofollow - New album! http://www.progarchives.com/artist.asp?id=7385" rel="nofollow - http://www.progarchives.com/artist.asp?id=7385 |
Posted By: HolyMoly
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 10:11
|
Neil Hamburger: Why is the ocean blue? Crowd: (silence) NH: Well, because so many people put those little discs in the toilet tank that make your water blue and uhh, when they flush it, of course, the waste is all pumped into the sea... Crowd: (silence) NH: Well, if you didn't like that, wait til you hear me explain why the sky is BROWN! ------------- My other avatar is a Porsche It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -Kehlog Albran |
Posted By: irrelevant
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 10:16
|
^ Ooh, I love Neil Hamburger! I was gonna post another Neil Hamburger joke, but it's way too rough... ------------- https://gabebuller.bandcamp.com/" rel="nofollow - New album! http://www.progarchives.com/artist.asp?id=7385" rel="nofollow - http://www.progarchives.com/artist.asp?id=7385 |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 11:09
|
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 11:29
 that's absurd, that just doesn't make sense, that's like having a door in your pyjamas, it seems like a funny idea but it never happens and even if you did, where would it go and which side would the knob be on. I mean, Andrey's cousing would have to be really skinny and have a mass of curly hair and that's, well, just wrong because he'd be far more useful as a mop, you could even call him mop-head in fact I bet all his friends don't call him mop-head precisely for that reason because that's the kind of irony kids are into these days, and so Andrey would have said he was mopping the flour with his cousin and he didn't. so there.------------- What? |
Posted By: HolyMoly
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 11:32
|
No matter how you slice it, it comes up peanuts.
------------- My other avatar is a Porsche It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -Kehlog Albran |
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 11:56
|
What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. "My music is country music. I'm just not sure which country." Col. Bruce Hampton (Ret.) ------------- Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened...
|
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 14:07
|
Posted By: Dayvenkirq
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 14:21
Think Steven Wright.If this does clear things up, I've always used a push broom for both sweeping and mopping.
|
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 14:38
|
My parents always told me never to open the cellar door. But when I did I saw wonderfully strange things. Flowers, trees, the sun... I saw a commercial about slip covers. It said "forget everything you know about slip covers." So I did, and it was a load off my mind. But then they started talkin' about these things called slip covers and I didn't know what the hell they were! |
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 15:32
The beauty of absurdist humour is never having to think Steve Wright   ------------- What? |
Posted By: presdoug
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 17:07
|
How do you keep a moron is suspense? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 22 2014 at 17:10
| Knock, knock |
Posted By: Chris S
Date Posted: January 23 2014 at 03:34
, you sir/madam are the oneliner champ------------- ...As I venture through the slipstream, between the viaducts in your dreams...[/COLOR] |
Posted By: Tom Ozric
Date Posted: January 23 2014 at 03:46
|
Q. Who has a long white beard, a red and white suit, a sack on his back and horns on his head ???
A. Satan Claus |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 23 2014 at 08:38
Man walks into a bar with a piece of pavement under his arm. "One for me," he says to the bartender, "and one for the road." |
Posted By: zappaholic
Date Posted: January 23 2014 at 17:30
|
A guy walks into a bar. *KLUNK* ------------- "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard." -- H.L. Mencken |
Posted By: The Pessimist
Date Posted: January 24 2014 at 06:13
|
"I I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add." Steven Wright ------------- "Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value." Arnold Schoenberg |
Posted By: Tom Ozric
Date Posted: January 24 2014 at 15:49
|
Patient : Doctor Doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live
Doctor : Oh, wait a minute, could you ?? |
Posted By: Dayvenkirq
Date Posted: January 26 2014 at 13:12
|
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: January 27 2014 at 05:50
|
Why does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the peter with a pan, you'd fly, too. |
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: January 27 2014 at 17:21
|
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H20. The other says "I'll have H20, too." The second man dies. ------------- Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened...
|
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 27 2014 at 17:32
Reminds me of... Old Abram Brown is dead and gone We'll see his like no more, For what he thought was H2O Was H2SO4. ------------- What? |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 28 2014 at 13:28
|
Two scientists walk into a bar. One of them orders H20. The other says "I'll have a water. Why would you say H2O? Nobody calls it that outside of the lab. Strange." |
Posted By: The Pessimist
Date Posted: January 28 2014 at 13:42
|
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tenish. ------------- "Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value." Arnold Schoenberg |
Posted By: npjnpj
Date Posted: January 29 2014 at 11:17
|
What is the sentence most used by the sociology graduate in his working life? "Would you like fries with that?" |
Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: January 29 2014 at 11:26
|
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish. ------------- 
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
Posted By: Jim Garten
Date Posted: January 29 2014 at 11:29
|
My favorite drummer joke:
Reporter: Face it, Ringo Starr wasn't the best drummer in the world, was he? Paul McCartney: He wasn't the best drummer in the Beatles
Whoops, sorry, that wasn't actually a joke  -------------
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: January 29 2014 at 19:50
 |
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: January 31 2014 at 10:45
|
A beautiful woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, ------------- Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened...
|
Posted By: Dean
Date Posted: January 31 2014 at 10:47
|
"so he gave her one" I think is the correct punchline. ------------- What? |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: January 31 2014 at 13:45
| Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane. |
Posted By: Slartibartfast
Date Posted: February 01 2014 at 03:23
Oh dear is this one of those US vs UK English things? That bad joke totally worked for me, dude. ------------- Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened...
|
Posted By: irrelevant
Date Posted: February 01 2014 at 07:15
------------- https://gabebuller.bandcamp.com/" rel="nofollow - New album! http://www.progarchives.com/artist.asp?id=7385" rel="nofollow - http://www.progarchives.com/artist.asp?id=7385 |
Posted By: Cactus Choir
Date Posted: February 01 2014 at 09:49
|
A man walks up to a nightclub accompanied by a Scotsman, an Irishman, a German, a Japanese, an American, a Chinese and an Australian. The doorman says: "Sorry sir, I can't let anyone in without a Thai." ------------- "And now...on the drums...Mick Underwooooooooood!!!" "He's up the pub" |
Posted By: Polymorphia
Date Posted: February 01 2014 at 15:12
|
From the Super Mario Bros Super Show: "Let's make like a drummer and beat it!" |
Posted By: ExittheLemming
Date Posted: February 08 2014 at 16:26
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
-------------
|