101 Rules of Prog Metal
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Topic: 101 Rules of Prog Metal
Posted By: Prog Snob
Subject: 101 Rules of Prog Metal
Date Posted: October 28 2013 at 11:27
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I'm not sure if this has ever been posted before so if it has, then you can delete this. Otherwise, enjoy!
1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so. 2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan. 3. Have contempt for mainstream music. 4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream. 5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan. 6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part. 7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep. 8. If he doesnīt, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan. 9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isnīt all bad. 10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal. 11. If he hasnīt, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog. 12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly. 13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldnīt have understood anyway. 14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to. 15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan. 16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned. 17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated. 18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed. 19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless w**kers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly. 20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them. 21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies. 22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?". 23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out. 24. Often state that you donīt only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice. 25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection... 26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better. 27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal. 28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands. 29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable. 30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums. 31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument. 32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect? 33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8. 34. Make sure your bandname is either a a) Oxymoron -Silent Noise -Tender Harshness -Healing Gun Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book. -Deitronus -Tarakoch -Fentaran or c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words. -Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that) -Redolent Arithmetic -Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated 35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on whatīs really important: The lyrics (see rule 36). 36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics. 37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles: "I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition" "Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist" "A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences." 38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog. 39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that! 40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo". 41. Change time signatures. Constantly. 42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician. 43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince youīre wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy. 44. State that Metallica canīt properly tweak the boogies. Theyīre so... unprog! 45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking sh*t about punk bands and how people don't understand your music. 46. Play a sh*tty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania. 47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win? 48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent. 49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question. 50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument. 51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them. 52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out. 53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned. 54. Donīt be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog. 55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band. 56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer. 57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you? 58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled." 59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre. 60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though. 61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you donīt belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even thatīs on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!! 62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!! 63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company. 64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads". 65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent. 66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics. 67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap. 68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded. 69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!! 70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about) 71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for godīs sake. 72. Get a dog. 73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent. 74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times. 75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices. 76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum? 77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd. 78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say. 79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once. 80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith. 81. Write epics. 82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world. 83. Have racks with loads of equipment. 84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them? 85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath. 86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures" 87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play. 88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert. 89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people. 90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20. 91. BOOOM!!! 92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats. 93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them. 94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT. 95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1. 96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is. 97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional. 98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs. 99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums. 100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him. 101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!! |
Replies:
Posted By: HemispheresOfXanadu
Date Posted: October 28 2013 at 12:27
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Roughly 2% of this applies to me. Change that to maybe 3% if you swap Ah well. Funny read though.
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Posted By: Toaster Mantis
Date Posted: October 28 2013 at 12:27
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So many of these seem to be digs at specific individual musicians.
------------- "The past is not some static being, it is not a previous present, nor a present that has passed away; the past has its own dynamic being which is constantly renewed and renewing." - Claire Colebrook |
Posted By: paganinio
Date Posted: November 02 2013 at 20:44
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I have a few of these. 102. Progressive metal always sounds warm and never sounds cold. 103. Progressive metal albums should be over 70 minutes long. Really good albums are allowed to be shorter. 104. When a non-prog metal album is over 70 minutes long, it's at least prog-related. Weakling - Dead as Dreams. 105. Rush and Iron Maiden form the basis of all progressive metal. Rush provides the "progressive" and Maiden gives them the "metal". 106. How about Agalloch and Devin Townsend, who sound little like Maiden and more like post-rock? Don't worry. Post-rock is a valid subgenre of prog according to Prog Archives. Therefore it is valid to make progressive metal music with post-rock flavors. 107. Does prog metal generally have more keyboard sections than non-prog metal? No. Power metal can have lots of keyboard as well. What sets prog metal's keyboard apart, is that prog metal keyboard sections are more dynamic and complex. You'll know it when you hear it. 108. Does a band even know that they're making progressive metal, when they're making progressive metal? Sometimes. But not always. Arcturus wanted to make symphonic black metal that was more cerebral and rich. And before they even realized it they ended up with a prog metal album. 109. Opeth's influences: You'd think that Opeth were influenced by Anglagard, Edge of Sanity, all that Scandinavian prog stuff. Or at least British. Certainly not American. But Mikael Akerfeldt says that Opeth sound the way they do because of Dream Theater's Images and Words. The point being? Images and Words is influential. You bet it is. ------------- 
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Posted By: Second Life Syndrome
Date Posted: November 02 2013 at 21:21
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Awesome! Hilarious! I was speaking to a prog metal fan the other day (not that I'm not one), and he asked whether I like prog metal or prog rock better. I told him that I like both, but I feel prog rock is more creative and more "outside the box" . He told me that METAL = THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX. Holy wow. ------------- theprogmind.com |
Posted By: Triceratopsoil
Date Posted: November 02 2013 at 22:03
| tldr |
Posted By: Toaster Mantis
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 01:52
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I'd like to see similar lists for other progressive rock styles... especially Krautrock, Post-Rock or Zeuhl.
------------- "The past is not some static being, it is not a previous present, nor a present that has passed away; the past has its own dynamic being which is constantly renewed and renewing." - Claire Colebrook |
Posted By: moshkito
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 10:16
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Hi, Ho hum!
 ------------- Music is not just for listening ... it is for LIVING ... you got to feel it to know what's it about! Not being told! www.pedrosena.com |
Posted By: The Pessimist
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 11:48
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"Single pedal is NOT prog." ------------- "Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value." Arnold Schoenberg |
Posted By: Earthmover
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 14:36
that was a great read  -------------  |
Posted By: Second Life Syndrome
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 18:26
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About prog metal bass, you need to mention that, despite all the strings, you must make it completely inaudible. ------------- theprogmind.com |
Posted By: Smurph
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 18:44
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Unless we are talking Beyond Creation ------------- http://pseudosentai.bandcamp.com/" rel="nofollow - http://pseudosentai.bandcamp.com/ wtf |
Posted By: Second Life Syndrome
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 20:09
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There are some amazing bass players in prog metal, and they even make it audible. Such as the band Hourglass. I was more referring to Dream Theater. ------------- theprogmind.com |
Posted By: The Pessimist
Date Posted: November 03 2013 at 20:59
Dick Lovgren is pretty audible too. ------------- "Market value is irrelevant to intrinsic value." Arnold Schoenberg |
Second Life Syndrome wrote:Posted By: HemispheresOfXanadu
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 07:11
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Posted By: Stool Man
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 07:42
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101 Rules of ProgFunk.
1. Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow.
2. Norman Whitfield is a Prog God.
3. This joke isn't funny anymore. ------------- rotten hound of the burnie crew |
Posted By: Stool Man
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 07:43
 ------------- rotten hound of the burnie crew |
Posted By: HemispheresOfXanadu
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 07:44
4. Amos Williams is not a funky bass player.
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Posted By: dr wu23
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 08:37
The only 'rule' I have about prog metal is that as a 'rule' ...I don't listen to much of it.
 ------------- One does nothing yet nothing is left undone. Haquin |
Posted By: moshkito
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 11:04
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Hi,
What's bizarre is that all of these rules can be translated to progressive, rap, jazz, and rock'n'roll!
So, I wonder what the rules are for? Someone writing for Jay Leno or something? ------------- Music is not just for listening ... it is for LIVING ... you got to feel it to know what's it about! Not being told! www.pedrosena.com |
Posted By: iamathousandapples
Date Posted: November 04 2013 at 11:41
Unless there's a bass solo, and then every other band member must stop everything to admire the bass solo. ------------- http://www.last.fm/user/thamazingbender" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: AtomicCrimsonRush
Date Posted: November 20 2013 at 04:17
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Make sure the drummer never takes over on vocals
and never leave the finances up to the lead singer ------------- 
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Posted By: Genital Giant
Date Posted: November 22 2013 at 06:05
| Prog Metal is an oxymoron. One is smart, the other not. |
Posted By: HemispheresOfXanadu
Date Posted: November 22 2013 at 08:37
| ^Haha, good joke! |
Posted By: Neo-Romantic
Date Posted: November 22 2013 at 15:32
| There can always be more strings on the instrument. There can always be more stringed instruments in the mix. There can always be string arrangements. Strings. Just have them. |
Posted By: Jbird
Date Posted: November 24 2013 at 05:46
5. You gotta get up, to get down. |