Towmorror I need to get up at 6 o'clock, which is 5 and a half hour from now. Should I go to bed or should I keep lurking the forums for a while?

 

By the way you wrongly spelled 'tomorrow' you are too tired for the forums and should immediately go to bed. With a glass of warm milk and a cookie. And no NUTS mag for you tonight.

 

 

Unlike starting threads for people behind their backs. (I'll do it if anyone's mental enough to ask me any questions, but if they don't I won't be surprised or disappointed)

 

 

Me Doctor You Patient. Butt out

 

Thank you patient FiP. I am not here merely as a doctor, my advice spans all (non technical) problems. A furry patient of mine, who seemingly challenges my credentials wrote very recently:

 

 

Dr Dingo replies: "Walk up to her with a Sartre under one arm and "Lesbian Lust" under the other. If she asks you which Sartre it is, you know automatically she is straight, which gives you a really good starting point - she is interested in men - and that includes you

 

If you spend more than 30 seconds discussing literature, philosophy or a combination of the two you, Vompatti, are IN. You can both talk intellectually for as long as you wish before dragging your relationship down to the level of the boudoir.

 

If she does not indulge in such a conversation, feel free to speak as any man would to a woman. If it's wet, say: It's raining, shall we go somewhere dry for a drink? At this point you can astound her with your knowledge of coffee. If it's dry ask her to go swimming and talk about all things aquatic. Then the point at which you ask her back to your apartment to dry her hair is up to you.

 

(If you don't have "Lesbian Lust", Any Colour You Like says you can borrow his).

 

I hope this helps.

 

 

 

I had to say that as a holding statement until I could prepare the detailed diagnosis (above)

 

What about Bill Nye Science guy?

 

They have no commercial value at all. However, to most dingos, they are totally beyond value (especially as a pair)

 

If you find yourself developing white fur and your nose starts to twitch, this means you are on the way to developing wombattitus gamblicus, which means not only will you lose all the time you place a bet but you will start reading strange books that no-one else understands. Stop young man stop - before it is too late.

 

I hope this helps (but I wouldn't bet on it).

 

 

Charlatan. Phoney. Quack.

 

And if you can't walk past a sheep without thinking impure thoughts buddy, it's too late.

There is another problem though. When I looked outside today, I saw that the garden of my house was full of wombats. I've counted them, and there are over 30 of them. Those pesky creatures are eating all the plants in the garden and they're constantly having sex! What to do about this, dr. dingo?

 

You, Sir, sound perfectly fit and healthy in both mind and body. Please leave the surgery with all good wishes.

 

I must check with a learned colleague on this one (not really I'm late for work). Advice on this very serious problem will follow on my return.

Not Joel's option, that's too violent!

 

First of all I'd like to introduce Nurse Katya, who helps me out with advice concerning some particular branches of my valuable work.

 

 

Lets face it, wombats are a pest. Practically vermin in fact. Do not dismiss the advice of ProgkidJoel too lightly, grasshopper. If they are capable of buying a bus ticket they must be unusually intelligent examples of the species, so do not underestimate them. But  the fact that they HAVE SEX IN YOUR GARDEN cannot be tolerated.

 

I suggest you try and speak with their leader. He will be the one with the white fur as opposed to the dull grey extra-smelly mangy fur of the rest. If he does not understand or fails to comply with your reasoned request to f*** off and bug somebody else (taking his filthy tribe with him) I suggest a trip to your local military hardware store will provide the perfect answer for only a small outlay.

 

There's no need to be cruel, a nice armalite or AK47 will do to kill them cleanly - and think of the fun you can have deciding which order to kill them in

 

Then you have two choices. You can find the poor and feed the wombats to them as Joel suggests, or you can simply sling them in the bin.

 

Final point. Do as the fighting Danes of old did. Let ONE WOMBAT escape so he can tell all his miscreant rodent mates not to mess with FloydisPink. Your immediate environs will remain wombat-free for the forseeable future.

 

I'm afraid Katya no longer does private consultations after a nasty incident involving the Lord Mayor of Atlantis so you'll have to at least pretend to have something wrong with you first.

That might work Dr. dingo, I have noticed the wombat leader already, and I'll tell him what I think of their behavior. I'll tell you what the results are if I'm finished.

 

Sound advice. Just gamble away your Yes family stuff first so you save the valuable stuff for when you've wised up.

 

Nurse Katya asks me to point out that you must not for one second treat this creature as a cute cuddly thing. It is the enemy and you must drive it and its cohorts away or kill them. Any doubts - straight to military hardware and follow the instructions on the box.

 

No Jampa I do not advise you to kill wombats - you have none in your office for a start and by the time you had found some to kill  it would be time to go home anyway.

 

I simply advise two matchsticks. Prop your eyelids open with them to stay awake for when the boss comes round. Banish all pleasant thoughts from your mind - think not of music, football, women. beer or other things you like, but think of something truly hideous, like Love Beach by ELP. Focus your mind on just how bad that album  is and before you know it... time to go home

 

Although if you do happen across a wombat, there's nothing to stop you killing it anyway

 

 

I am only wise because this guy taught me all I know (through my spiritual medium, FloydisPink)

 

 

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Hi - just had to let the cleaner in (phew!)  Okay:

 

No it just means you're on the cover of Love Beach and the fake tan has started to wear off. It won't kill you, you'll just wear ridiculous clothing and earn loads of dollars for the rest of your life.

 

Yes but only if your favourite instrument is double bass drums and you constantly mime the part without the actual kit.

 

No. But the cleaner does though and she sure dusted down Vompatti last week.

 

You're worried - I'm stuck over here 10 months of the year

 

I talked to the wombat leader and he said he and his mates were looking for their lost friend wombat. This specific wombat was swallowed by the sea when the ancient wombat kingdom "Atlantis" sunk. They still know that he's alive though. The reason that they went to my place was because they sensed messages from the lost wombat here with their highly advanced build in radar systems. I told them to search in Finland and they are going there now.

 

Go get the military hardware in case they come back. It sounds like a good story, but wombats are born storytellers... good luck. I've tipped off my friend in Finnish immigration that they're on their way

 

 

I have a much bigger problem than wombats. If it were only wombats I wouldn't be writing these desperate words. It's nothing a well placed laser guided bunker buster bomb won' t solve but I don't want trouble with the authorities.  It's that b*****d down the street with his Santa and reindeer display. He's even got Christmas music playing on loudspeakers and he's turning the neighbours against me. I feel alone. Please help.

 

 

Oh boy. Every neighbourhood seems to have one of these. When did it appear - July or August? Don't feel alone O master of the skies, there's a guy round here with two chimneys who runs a sleigh complete with Santa and reindeer between the stacks. No music tho. He comes round with the charity bucket thinking we all like it so much we should contribute. Apparently he keeps about 30 per cent for himself because of the massive electricity bills.

 

Other than a show of solidarity I can do little to help. Unless... have you got a pal at the local substation who knows how to cause a (very) local powercut?

 

That's easy. I 'ate the world - and everybody in it (except nurse Katya)

 

Doctor's note: Don't be unprofessional Katya. Just find out what's wrong with him and lets make some money here fer Chrissakes.

Will it be the messy bar from the bar fight thread?

 

Asks Katya: "Do you wanna go to a bar where bestiality is the norm and midgets run amok on seas of urine and puke?"

 

Let's just say no, we won't be going there.

 

I merely introduced Nurse Katya, My friend Sabrina who works in Finnish immigration and Alice the cleaner. There is nothing intrinsically pornographic about any of them to my knowledge. One is a medical professional, the other a customs officer and the third a hygiene operative.

 

I just thought that if i didn't introduce my employees and a friend or two the thread would be as dull as er, erm, oh you know, that highbrow one where you wait for a painting for three weeks and then ten come along at once 

 

ACYL could you not make the reference? I'm trying to run a serious advice centre here

This is getting too personal to be a serious advice centre, Dr, Dingo. What doctor talks about going out with his nurse assistent with his patients? 

 

Now, do you guys need any advice about your bunyons?

Yes, I've got a question...

What is a bunyon?

 

see i did that without Wiki so I must be fit to run a surgery after all.

 

Don't do that Katya. Not yet anyway.

 

I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT ALL THESE GUYS HAD BUNIONS)

 

 

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Please chage it ACYL, I'm sure Katya will be glad as well!

I advised: "Now come on, pull yourself together Sir"

http://www.progarchives.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15908 - http://www.progarchives.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15908  

 

They bloody well did too (it was 1905)

 

You can remain agitated till I've had my tea

 

 

Hey! Woah! There's no need to lash out. Don't be agitated I think the level at which you guys have consistently played the game ever since I can remember sparks the required amount of terror in the rest of the world. I sure don't think anyone mocks you in terms of strength, power, flair, commitment. From the moment the Haka begins the opposition knows exactly what to expect for the next eighty minutes - or for however long it takes to play a game of tiddlywinks these days.

I vote for F) Combine your short stories with music (not background music, but music that expresses the mood of the story) and create a new genre, or rediscover a genre which I have never heard of.

I, of course, am not a doctor like Dr. Dingo. So don't take my advice all too serious.

 

Dear Vompatti,

 

This is indeed a dilemma. My personal experience is that I have had thousands of articles published, but this is not as good as it seems because nearly always these have been articles I have written for newspapers/magazines I have been employed by and nothing I have ever actually wanted to write. I am about to write a book but it's a kind of lukewarm kiss and tell because I've met lots of well-known people (while I've been at work, no-one famous has ever come round my house for tea).

 

In order to do this I have written a synopsis and I am going to write one chapter. I am then going to find an agent (if one wants to take me on) and let him do the hard work of selling it. If no-one thinks the book is worth any money, then i simply won't write it. The Agent can keep his 20 per cent - at the moment 20% of 0 is 0 so I don;t care - he can only do better.

 

So therefore I think the answer to your problem is choice b) as highighted above. You are a true artist Vompatti but that does not pay the bills. I used to write very little for fun, mainly rubbish for money. Nowadays i am more or less retired because I'm too old to get another staff job. You have youth on your side. There must be an international equivalent of our Writers and Artists Yearbook (which details what kind of stuff particular publishers want). Go through it online or otherwise and ID the publishers who seek the stuff you write - you'll eliminate about 95 per cent this way so you can adopt a rifle shot approach rather than a scattergun.

 

Most genuinely inspired people I've come across are too busy practising their art to sell any of it.

 

Forget the porn-style stuff - it doesn't pay very much from what I've heard. And don't be afraid to approach your national newspapers and magazines - they're always looking for a new spin on most things.

 

If you ever need a reference I'm sure there's loads of us on PA who'd oblige

 

I'm a Doctor, not a censor

 

To be honest I didn't even notice, but now you mention it...

 

Unless she does catalogue modelling I very much doubt it.

 

Since the surgery's gone quiet I think I'll close for the year

 

I'll send Nurse Katya round with Dr Dingo's patent wounded soul patch. It's only a short-term solution but believe me you'll not regret the four hours it takes Katya to apply. Or paying the $4,500 Katya will request for this personal service tailored to the requirements of your soul.

 

 

Mine do - don't yours?

Dear Dr. Dingo,

 

What is the key to living a happy, fulfilled life?  (Well, okay, I guess the answer to that would probably be, "Listening to prog, of course!"--but what else can I do in order to become happy and fulfilled?)

 

And what does Igor the accountant look like?

 

Sincerely,

Tin Of Gloomy Curri

 

 

 

Dear GloomyCurry

 

The secret to fulfillment is to study hard, work hard, give all your taxes to the government, vote Tory/Republican/any right wing party of your choice, go to Church regularly, produce 2.4 children together with the right partner in the eyes of your parents, join the Freemasons, respect your betters, admire Vompatti's artwork, and always pay your utility bills on time.

 

Or of course you could, indeed should, enjoy yourself instead.

 

ps I personally add in lots of different musical genres - I find prog is best enjoyed with a side salad of indie, prog metal, classic punk/new wave, even a bit of hard rock sometimes (tho not that often these days - there's so much other great stuff around).