Infamy! Infamy! They've All Got It In For Me

"Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me", uttered by Kenneth Williams as Julius Caesar in Carry On Cleo (1964), has consistently been voted the funniest one-line joke ever heard in a movie.

The Carry On series consists of 30 British comedy movies, released between 1958 and 1978, with one further movie, Carry On Columbus, released in 1992. The films' humour was in the British comic tradition of the music hall and bawdy seaside postcards. The regular Carry On team members included:- Sid James, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey, Joan Sims, Kenneth Connor, Peter Butterworth, Hattie Jacques, Terry Scott, Bernard Bresslaw, Barbara Windsor, Jack Douglas, and Jim Dale.

Here's a list of the funniest quotes from each of the Carry On movies, listed in order of release, starting with.....

Carry On Sergeant (1958)

Captain Potts (Eric Barker): "Your rank?"

James Bailey (Kenneth Williams): "Well, that's a matter of opinion."

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Carry On Nurse (1959)

Sister (Joan Hickson): "It's Matron's round."

Percy Hickson (Bill Owen): "Mine's a pint."

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Carry On Teacher {1959)

Felicity Wheeler (Rosalind Knight): "Are you satisfied with your equipment, Miss Allcock?"

Sarah Allcock (Joan Sims): "Well, I've had no complaints so far."

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Carry On Constable (1960)

Const. Charlie Constable (Kenneth Connor): "May I help you madam?"

Agitated woman outside ladies' loo (Hilda Fenemore): [searching through her handbag] "I could certainly use a copper!"

[looking around, Charlie, noticing the ladies convenience behind them, pulls a coin out of his pocket and holds it up]

Const. Charlie Constable (Kenneth Connor): "Here you go, have this one on me!"

Agitated woman outside ladies' loo (Hilda Fenemore): [accepting the coin] "Oh, ta!"

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Carry On Regardless (1961)

Sir Theodore (Kynaston Reeves): "Do you provide substitutes?"

Miss Cooling (Esma Cannon): [shocked] "No! This is a respectable firm!"

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Carry On Cruising (1962)

First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks (Kenneth Williams): "I always find the first few days make me feel quite drowsy."

Captain Wellington Crowther (Sid James): "Shut your port-hole."

First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks (Kenneth Williams): "Begging your pardon, sir, one must have fresh..."

Captain Wellington Crowther (Sid James): "...and your cake-hole."

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Carry On Cabby (1963)

Charlie Hawkins (Sid James): "When you get to be a cab driver you cut yourself right off from the rest of the human race. Everybody's got it in for you and nobody loves you. In no time at all you find that you're about as popular as a wickerwork seat in a nudist camp, and you know what sort of impression that makes on people."

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Carry On Jack (1964)

Midshipman Albert Poop-Decker (Bernard Cribbins): "If you've got a heart of oak, it's got a worm in it."

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Carry On Spying (1964)

[Simpkins demonstrates how to draw his gun from a holster inside his jacket]

Desmond Simpkins (Kenneth Williams): "All ready to get off a slick draw like that."

Daphne Honeybutt (Barbara Windsor): "Oh, Mr. Simpkins, that was wonderful. I'm sure I'll never get *my* drawers off as slickly as that."

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Carry On Cleo (1964)

Julius Caesar (Kenneth Williams): "Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me."

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Carry On Cowboy (1965)

Belle Armitage (Joan Sims): [admiring his gun] "My, but you got a big one!"

Johnny Finger (Sid James): "I'm from Texas, ma'am. We all got big ones down there."

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Carry On Screaming (1966)

Det Sgt. Bung (Harry H. Corbett): "This ear was found in Slocombe woods."

Valeria Watt (Fenella Fielding): "What. This ear?"

Det Sgt. Bung (Harry H. Corbett): "Yes, that there."

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Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967)

Girl: [the Duke is about to be guillotined] "Your Grace, there's an urgent letter for you."

Duke De Pommefrite (Charles Hawtrey): "Oh, drop it in the basket, I'll read it later."

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Carry On Follow That Camel (1967)

Sgt. Nocker (Phil Silvers): "Salt Tablets, The Pill... The Pill? What do you suppose they use that for?"

Commandant Burger (Kenneth Williams): "I cannot conceive!"

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Carry On Doctor (1967)

Dr. Tinkle (Kenneth Williams): "You may not realise it but I was once a weak man."

Matron (Hattie Jacques): "Once a week is enough for any man."

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Carry On Up the Khyber (1968)

Brother Belcher (Peter Butterworth): "I've never ridden in a cart pulled by cows before."

Captain Keene (Roy Castle): "Bullocks, Mr Belcher!"

Brother Belcher (Peter Butterworth): "No, I haven't, honestly."

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Carry On Camping (1969)

Mrs. Fussey (Amelia Baynton): "Joan may think you're a gentleman but personally I've got sore misgivings."

Sid Boggle (Sid James): "You ought to put some talcum powder on them."

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Carry On Again Doctor (1969)

Dr. Jimmy Nookey (Jim Dale): "Hmm. That's a good skeleton. Did the last doctor leave it here?"

Gladstone Screwer (Sid James): "That is the last doctor."

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Carry On Up The Jungle (1970)

Prof. Inigo Tinkle (Frankie Howerd): "I'm flabbergasted! My gast has never been so flabbered!"

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Carry On Loving (1970)

Sidney Bliss (Sid James): "I don't want much. Just to worship at your feet."

Esme Crowfoot (Joan Sims): "I've got better bits."

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Carry On Henry (1971)

Cardinal Wolsey (Terry Scott): "A drink, Ma'am?"

Queen Marie (Joan Sims): "Thank you."

Cardinal Wolsey (Terry Scott): "I can heartily recommend the porter here."

Queen Marie (Joan Sims): "Really? Then do send him up to my room later."

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Carry On At Your Convenience (1971)

W.C. Boggs (Kenneth Williams): "Fakes, that's all they are, sitting there staring in their crystal whatsitsnames."

Sid Plummer (Sid James): "Balls."

W.C. Boggs (Kenneth Williams): "I quite agree!"

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Carry On Matron (1972)

Matron (Hattie Jacques): "I'm a simple woman with simple tastes, and I want to be wooed!"

Sir Bernard Cutting (Kenneth Williams): "Ooh, you can be as 'wude' as you like with me!"

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Carry On Abroad (1972)

Vic Flange (Sid James): "Oh, have a heart, darling, you know I need this holiday. You wouldn't want me to go without it just because she's going to be there."

Cora Flange (Joan Sims): "If she's going to be there, you won't be going without it!"

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Carry On Girls (1973)

Connie Philpotts (Joan Sims): "It's your girls I'm talking about, I've heard them all night long, doors banging ... "

Sid Fiddler (Sid James): "Blimey, when you've got young dollies around you have to expect a bit of banging."

Connie Philpotts (Joan Sims): "Well, I expect you to get them into bed at a reasonable hour."

Sid Fiddler (Sid James): "I promise you, I'll do my very best!"

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Carry On Dick (1974)

Lady Daley (Margaret Nolan): "All this talk of Big Dick. I've had enough of it!"

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Carry On Behind (1975)

Prof. Anna Vrooshka (Elke Sommer): "Must be finding doctors. Man is injured."

Ernie Bragg (Jack Douglas): "But what man?"

Prof. Anna Vrooshka (Elke Sommer): "Is professor of archaeology. Is bleeding terrible."

Fred Ramsden (Windsor Davies): "Never mind his qualifications. Is he hurt badly?"

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Carry On England (1976)

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer (Windsor Davies): "I bet none of you can tell the difference between a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols."

Sgt. Len Able (Patrick Mower): "No, but I can recognise a Focke when I see one."

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Carry On Emmanuelle (1978)

Emile Prevert (Kenneth Williams): "Why me? You could have Tom, Dick or Harry."

Emmannuelle Prevert (Suzanne Danielle): "I don't want Tom or Harry!"

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